Venting The state of my life and why I haven't been active on this forum

[deleted fren]

I look at where my life is going, and I know I can't do this long term. I wish I weren't self aware. I wish I didn't have to think, but I do, I can't stop thinking, and my mind is plagued by invasive thoughts. My subconscious is set against me. It has declared me its enemy. There is no happy ending for me. I can't see my life going on another decade. The writing is on the wall.

I'm not on this forum as much anymore, because I've already said what's to be said about our situation. It doesn't change anything. The validation I get from this site has become numb. There doesn't seem to be an escape. I drank obsessively this week in hopes the alcohol would loosen me up and free me from my worries and despair, but it hasn't. I can't stop thinking, and as I previously stated, my mind is plagued by unwanted thoughts.

It's funny how I've known I should've killed myself since age nine. Back then I told my mom I wanted to kill myself, and she told me I was too cowardly and she was right. I tried killing myself again at 13 and whimped out. I tried again at 17 before my 18th birthday and again, whimped out. I know existence is going to be horrible if I continue to live. I know the hellish humiliation, pain and anger will be terrible, yet I can't push myself to do it. I know I need to. I know I have to. It's obvious what the ending to my book is. It's very clear. It's been very clear.

I am not a human anymore. I'm not a person. When people talk to me, I feel so dead inside. There's no life left in my eyes. If an afterlife exists, I'm going to hell. That's the cold truth of it. There's no happy ending. To quote Travis from Taxi Driver. “Now I see it clearly. My whole life is pointed in one direction. I see that now. There never has been any choice for me.”
Sometimes, I feel as if there is a god and he's been torturing me since I was younger. The supernatural things myself and my family encounter scare me. I know subconsciously that there's more than just death, and that's what's scary.


If I don't end it, this humiliation and pain will continue and get worse and worse. I have to either go to college or get a job next year. I can't do this. I can't handle this life of social and humiliation and mockery. Maybe if I could just rot in some room, I could be happy, but I can't. I don't see any escape.

 

[5'4 king of khhv]

God is gay

 

[5'4 king of khhv]

Gay for Chad and Stacy

 

[DoomThreeKoala]

It's over.

 

[zd60]

I am not a human anymore. I'm not a person. When people talk to me, I feel so dead inside.

felt like this for as long as i can remember

 

[deleted fren]

Gay for Chad and Stacy

He has favorites, and he has creations like us he tortures for entertainment.

felt like this for as long as i can remember

 

[Ambatukam Alone]

I have to either go to college or get a job next year. I can't do this. I can't handle this life of social and humiliation and mockery.

Maybe you can't handle it now, but you may be able to become someone who could handle it.

 

[Icarus]

If an afterlife exists, I'm going to hell. That's the cold truth of it. There's no happy ending. To quote Travis from Taxi Driver. “Now I see it clearly. My whole life is pointed in one direction. I see that now. There never has been any choice for me.”

If there was never a choice about what our lives would become then I believe that hell is unlikely.

In either event all we can really do is die with our authenticity.

 

[Hoodpreet]

Are you diagnosed with anything? If not, try to get a diagnosis and see if you can work your way to getting NEETbux

 

[ToBurble&Pine]

It is finished
Not much to do

 

[SupremeSaint]

It's over.

NevER began

 

[deleted fren]

Are you diagnosed with anything? If not, try to get a diagnosis and see if you can work your way to getting NEETbux

Autism isn't enough to get neetbucks where I live, unfortunately I doubt I could diagnosed with anything significant.

It is finished
Not much to do

 

[drunken_sailor2500]

Back then I told my mom I wanted to kill myself, and she told me I was too cowardly and she was right.

Absolutely brutal, no mother should even say that to her child. She should have been consoling you but instead she called a nine year old boy, her boy, a coward?

And as for everything else you said, there are some people that just get beaten down in life no matter how much they try and find happiness. When you suffer long enough people telling you there’s still hope just feels disingenuous because they don’t want to make themselves look bad by telling someone they have no hope.

It takes one hopeless soul to tell another hopeless soul that it’s over. It over and I’m sorry. My only cope is giving my pain meaning and purpose, and living out of spite. I want to continue to embrace the pain until I become a low inhib villain of a human being for everyone who ever hurt me. I want them to know they created a monster, and one day I hope they understand this fact.

 

[deleted fren]

Absolutely brutal, no mother should even say that to her child. She should have been consoling you but instead she called a nine year old boy, her boy, a coward?

And as for everything else you said, there are some people that just get beaten down in life no matter how much they try and find happiness. When you suffer long enough people telling you there’s still hope just feels disingenuous because they don’t want to make themselves look bad by telling someone they have no hope.

It takes one hopeless soul to tell another hopeless soul that it’s over. It over and I’m sorry. My only cope is giving my pain meaning and purpose, and living out of spite. I want to continue to embrace the pain until I become a low inhib villain of a human being for everyone who ever hurt me. I want them to know they created a monster, and one day I hope they understand this fact.

There's nothing left for us but hatred.

 

[Blitz]

If you don't rope you will find your way back here.
All roads lead to .is

 

[Eternatus]

The writing is on the wall.

View: https://youtu.be/8jzDnsjYv9A?si=Y_8v-WQsvZSEyO4M

 

[Hoppipolla]

I think most people are capable of putting together a life for themselves that is half reasonable.

Finding a career that suits you like in technology or a trade (I think that's the right word - electrician or plumber or something), living somewhere you like, finding hobbies and some friends. I don't think it's THAT difficult.

Finding a relationship can be hard work yeah but that's not all of life.

 

[superpsycho]

Back then I told my mom I wanted to kill myself, and she told me I was too cowardly and she was right. I tried killing myself again at 13 and whimped out. I tried again at 17 before my 18th birthday and again, whimped out

Brutal.

 

[deucegigalo]

Your still young... I too as i approach Wizard status thought like you with major depressive suicidal thoughts but what keeps me going is the small things in life that don"t revolve around pussy or relationship with a woman. It is OVER. However to quote Dumbledore do a deep dive into accounts of hell and don't guarantee a one way ticket there stick it out in this cruel world watch the fireworks of ww3 N the following horsemen and be part of this crazy time in worldly history. My wizard 2 dollars because inflation ...

 

[NEB.feelsdevil]

I am not a human anymore. I'm not a person. When people talk to me, I feel so dead inside. There's no life left in my eyes. If an afterlife exists, I'm going to hell. That's the cold truth of it. There's no happy ending. To quote Travis from Taxi Driver. “Now I see it clearly. My whole life is pointed in one direction. I see that now. There never has been any choice for me.”

 

[VanGobbel]

OPs posts on cucktears are what brought me to this forum tbh. I thought he had sui'ed long ago by now

 

[Cuckoja]

I think most people are capable of putting together a life for themselves that is half reasonable.

Finding a career that suits you like in technology or a trade (I think that's the right word - electrician or plumber or something), living somewhere you like, finding hobbies and some friends. I don't think it's THAT difficult.

Finding a relationship can be hard work yeah but that's not all of life.

Eh, nowadays finding a decent job and friendship is even harder than getting a gf.

 

[Cuckoja]

I have to either go to college or get a job next year.

This might be good for you, you just have to put things behind and go in unbiased. I know it sounds bluepilled and delusional but what else is there to do? Death? How is that any better?