Deleted member 8353
Former Hikikomori, Aimless Pleasure Seeker
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- Joined
- May 29, 2018
- Posts
- 9,580
- Online
- 66d 3h 29m
It's strange how for years I just stopped caring about other people, sure my inceldom upset me, but it was due to loneliness and directed inward. Now lately, as in the past 6 months, since those feelings have dissipated, I can't stop thinking about how I got to this point in the first place. All the people who rejected me, treated me like shit throughout my entire childhood and adolescence, ruined me emotionally/psychologically, made it so far impossible for me to meet society's expectations, and deprived me of a "normal" life. My mother who seems to expect me to exist for her, regardless of what I want, and who is in complete denial about how bad off I am.
While sure, for the most part I don't even want the life of a normie anymore, that's ultimately besides the point. Even so, if I were to start today, somehow miraculously fix everything fucked up about my situation, how long would that take exactly? Lets even say that while doing so, I managed to also get enough money to raise my appearance by a couple points through surgerymaxxing. All together that would be several years away, even getting anything resembling a decent job would take quite a long time. But for what exactly? So if I'm lucky I can get my old looksmatch, who likely has a comically excessive amount of past partners, and who I wouldn't be able to relate to or be comfortable with on basically any level whatsoever? No thanks, I'll pass. The damage is already extremely fucking done, and once again, even if I were completely well adjusted, the reward is simply not worth the effort. Although for me even the suggestion that it could be is absolutely laughable.
I certainly don't want a family, I don't even want a LTR with a foid. However, you know what it is that I do want? Most of what I actually want is to witness the society which has ruined my mind come to a satisfying end, along with the normies who have bullied me, alienated me, and generally caused me no small amount of torment. The very same people who would claim that I somehow, magically, chose my life. You know what might be the worst part of it all? The reason people have treated me like such shit come from a mirror image of my own preferences, the desire for acceptance, safety, sex, and so on. I'm even just as lookist as they are, the only reason that I can claim to be better is because I've experienced what it's like to negative end of it. It's not the predator who reflects upon the pain of the prey, that is unless he's nearly been prey himself. The suffering is still there no matter what, it's just that people don't care so long as it's experienced by someone else, and this attitude encapsulates human existence.
Since I've been reflecting upon my memories in an effort to alter them, I've also begun to move onto some of the decidedly bad ones. When I revisit them I keep being lectured to have been more assertive, to have stood up for myself more often, to have never backed down no matter the perceived consequences. But the mistakes simply cannot be artificially rectified after the fact. However I've begun to feel a very strange sense of confidence, yet it has no obvious source. My past experiences have given me every reason not to be confident, which is part of my problem, but now I'm starting to feel like I might be able to turn off my extremely highinhib. It's hard to explain but yesterday when I was buying something at a store, the cashier was an attractive foid, and through considerable concentration I managed to feel no discomfort being in the situation(normally this makes me extremely uncomfortable). I'm not entirely sure how to describe it, but it's like I've gained the ability to willfully put myself somewhere else, I can see everything yet at the same time I'm not entirely there. My mental imagery cope seems to have had some unintended, but pleasant consequences. The only problem is that this state takes a great deal of effort to maintain, so I'm not sure it's entirely a solution to my social problems or highinhib, at least it's something though.
While sure, for the most part I don't even want the life of a normie anymore, that's ultimately besides the point. Even so, if I were to start today, somehow miraculously fix everything fucked up about my situation, how long would that take exactly? Lets even say that while doing so, I managed to also get enough money to raise my appearance by a couple points through surgerymaxxing. All together that would be several years away, even getting anything resembling a decent job would take quite a long time. But for what exactly? So if I'm lucky I can get my old looksmatch, who likely has a comically excessive amount of past partners, and who I wouldn't be able to relate to or be comfortable with on basically any level whatsoever? No thanks, I'll pass. The damage is already extremely fucking done, and once again, even if I were completely well adjusted, the reward is simply not worth the effort. Although for me even the suggestion that it could be is absolutely laughable.
I certainly don't want a family, I don't even want a LTR with a foid. However, you know what it is that I do want? Most of what I actually want is to witness the society which has ruined my mind come to a satisfying end, along with the normies who have bullied me, alienated me, and generally caused me no small amount of torment. The very same people who would claim that I somehow, magically, chose my life. You know what might be the worst part of it all? The reason people have treated me like such shit come from a mirror image of my own preferences, the desire for acceptance, safety, sex, and so on. I'm even just as lookist as they are, the only reason that I can claim to be better is because I've experienced what it's like to negative end of it. It's not the predator who reflects upon the pain of the prey, that is unless he's nearly been prey himself. The suffering is still there no matter what, it's just that people don't care so long as it's experienced by someone else, and this attitude encapsulates human existence.
Since I've been reflecting upon my memories in an effort to alter them, I've also begun to move onto some of the decidedly bad ones. When I revisit them I keep being lectured to have been more assertive, to have stood up for myself more often, to have never backed down no matter the perceived consequences. But the mistakes simply cannot be artificially rectified after the fact. However I've begun to feel a very strange sense of confidence, yet it has no obvious source. My past experiences have given me every reason not to be confident, which is part of my problem, but now I'm starting to feel like I might be able to turn off my extremely highinhib. It's hard to explain but yesterday when I was buying something at a store, the cashier was an attractive foid, and through considerable concentration I managed to feel no discomfort being in the situation(normally this makes me extremely uncomfortable). I'm not entirely sure how to describe it, but it's like I've gained the ability to willfully put myself somewhere else, I can see everything yet at the same time I'm not entirely there. My mental imagery cope seems to have had some unintended, but pleasant consequences. The only problem is that this state takes a great deal of effort to maintain, so I'm not sure it's entirely a solution to my social problems or highinhib, at least it's something though.
