Now I am a sub4 truecel, everything grew wrong, it's like my subhuman ethnic genes were waiting until puberty to kick in. I was actually a cute kid, not a brag, since I never got anything sexual or romantic from it, since puberty destroyed my face.
When I was a kid many adults used to fawn over how cute I was, more so than most other children, there were times I was the center of attention for it and I used to love it, I received much praise and compliments, when I was at my parent's friends houses, I would never want to go home. I remember I had a photo of my 6th birthday party and I was genuinely the best kid looking there. All the other kids were plain or ugly at worst. Even back then I realized deep down how important looks were, I felt superior to the other kids because of my handsomeness, I considered myself to be more human, developed and intellectual than them.
This could have translated into high social status if I had been NT, other kids often treated me well initially, but my autism, led to me being eventually bullied, even so I would have been bullied and ostracized more if I had been ugly. There were times when I had an easy time making friends individually but NT social groups, my low status and odd behaviors often did me in.
My initial impression of the special ed kids were that they were very ugly, which made me feel disgusted by them. I remember this one time as a kid in elementary school I was talking to this guy and I kept noticing how disgusting he looked, I felt bad for him and tried to overcompensate by being extra kind. But I got this thought in my head, fearing his hideousness was contagious and could spread to me, I don't remember exactly who the guy was, I doubt I talked to him ever again. Perhaps that's what happened.
When I was a kid many adults used to fawn over how cute I was, more so than most other children, there were times I was the center of attention for it and I used to love it, I received much praise and compliments, when I was at my parent's friends houses, I would never want to go home. I remember I had a photo of my 6th birthday party and I was genuinely the best kid looking there. All the other kids were plain or ugly at worst. Even back then I realized deep down how important looks were, I felt superior to the other kids because of my handsomeness, I considered myself to be more human, developed and intellectual than them.
This could have translated into high social status if I had been NT, other kids often treated me well initially, but my autism, led to me being eventually bullied, even so I would have been bullied and ostracized more if I had been ugly. There were times when I had an easy time making friends individually but NT social groups, my low status and odd behaviors often did me in.
My initial impression of the special ed kids were that they were very ugly, which made me feel disgusted by them. I remember this one time as a kid in elementary school I was talking to this guy and I kept noticing how disgusting he looked, I felt bad for him and tried to overcompensate by being extra kind. But I got this thought in my head, fearing his hideousness was contagious and could spread to me, I don't remember exactly who the guy was, I doubt I talked to him ever again. Perhaps that's what happened.
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