In recent years i've had to deal with the deaths of many close family members and in summer of 2021 my mom died. I thought for so long that the death of my mom would be the final straw. That i would finally delve into the world of alcohol and drugs, or suicide. But i did neither. I've just been suffering in silence ever since. Since my teen years i have been staying inside my room, all alone, hoping for a better life. I don't think you need to kill yourself, and going ER is not going to help you at all. Only make things worse. I have autism and i deal with things differently than most people do, but i prefer to move past what happens to me. Yeah my mom dying should have fucked me up a lot more than it did but there is nothing i can do. I was awoken from sleep around 11 something at night when the hospital called me to tell me she had died. And they asked if they should try reviving her. I said yes and then they told me they would call soon after. I hung up and just sat in my bed, not knowing what to do or say. All i could do was think to myself in my head and wonder if i was dreaming. I got up and turned on my computer, and browsed youtube and 4chan for the time being. It wasn't until quite some time later that they called me back and said they could not revive her. I just kind of accepted it. They asked to move her to the morgue and i said that was ok. In my head i knew it's not like there are other options. So then i was left alone once again. Sitting in my room while my older brother slept on the couch in the living room. I didn't even know if i should wake him up to tell him. My mom had died multiple times before in her life but they were always able to revive her. I had prayed to god that she would live. This final time when i got the call, i decided not to pray, as i thought it was meaningless to believe in superstitions. But then she died. And i wondered if praying for her would have saved her that night.