Deleted member 7448
Name is Abdu, live in Laos, born on 24.08.1992.
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- Joined
- May 16, 2018
- Posts
- 7,127
As I was sitting there in an almost fetal position, contemplating existence and my life after yet another day of mindlessly laying in bed with my laptop next to me, I started wondering why I lived my life the way I did.
Long story, read it or don't, whatever. For me this is like a blog or journal where I vent, reflect and contemplate.
And the way I lived my life is very weird. I literally retreated to my absolute comfort zone as much as possible. I lived my entire life, not that far from 30 years, literally rotting in bed in front of a screen in my room. 16 hours a day most days. Doing what is the closest thing to being asleep while still awake - in bed watching the same shit over and over, browsing the same sites over and over, playing the same games that require low interactivity, over and over. And I tried to maximize that escapism and comfort zone as much as possible. In school, the moment I got there I'd wish I was home, I'd even say that out loud jokingly and people would laugh sometimes. So I played on my phone or did whatnot to be in a comfort zone even while in school/uni.
Hell, as old as I am I'm still unemployed and still studying, also inevitably as a way to maximize my comfort zone. The first time I was in uni I became an alcoholic, locked up in my room drinking daily. That was turbo comfortable (although it ruined my life and my parent's lives in 50 different ways), I liked it so much I kept doing it and skipping classes until I dropped out. Just cause it was so comfortable. I even chose majors that were comfortable, easy shit that is pointless for a career, but where I could get good grades without really studying because the classes were just that easy.
Anyway, I kinda lost my train of thought. The point is, I maximize my comfort, to the point of literally rotting, even to this day. I've gotten to such a point of laziness and avoiding anything uncomfortable that even going outside is stressful. Hell, even changing a tiny element of my routine of rotting is stressful and anxiety-inducing. I'd love it if it materialized out of thin air, but putting in the gargantuan amount of work and suffering required to get it is something that just makes me want to rot and avoid it altogether.
But, this kind of hedonism is not very satisfying. Sure, theoretically if I had money without moving a muscle and working on it, a hedonist lifestyle would be pleasant till the grave. But otherwise, this shitty and lazy form of hedonism ain't doing it for me any more.
And finally, getting to the point of all this. There's no alternative to this hedonism of rotting and not going out of my comfort zone. Because I have no interests, no passions, no goals. Nothing that would make it worth it for me to actually mobilize and endure the suffering of being outside of my comfort zone. Any desire or goal that I can imagine is very childish like doing pleasant things and avoiding unpleasant things, more of a desire to avoid something, like not wanting to work, not wanting pain or suffering, for me or my parents.
Of course, reality will come knocking and I'll be pulled out of my comfort zone a bit. Soon I'll have to get a shitty low-pay job. I was lucky enough to still not have a job at this age. Thought I'll still continue to do what I did. It will be much harder to be in this comfort zone of rotting while at a job, but as with school and uni, when I'm done I'll rush straight home and continue rotting. Rinse and repeat for a few decades, I don't see myself changing. My brain has changed into something that doesn't see the point in anything, so there's no way I'll be able to discipline myself into doing anything but rotting. Even at work, if it's something that doesn't demand too much attention (hopefully), I'll try to slack off as much as possible.
End of the shitty blog post I guess. Idk, I really tried to come up with an answer of what I want in this life, I really thought about it. Something that would make me change my ways and go out and actually live life and stop fucking rotting and growing older while not experiencing life at all. And I just couldn't, there's no interests I have in life, no goals. There's plenty of things I don't want to happen in this life, and the few things that I do want to happen are vague and childish shit like having money without working for it.
P.S: Ohh right, I guess most people would say women or pussy or something. Idk, that's not enough for me to be able to stop rotting. The juice ain't worth the squeeze, or in other words, changing my life so fundamentally and facing the suffering of being outside my comfort zone is impossible with the goal of getting a girlfriend/wife in mind. I must be low T or something, it just doesn't mobilize me at all. It's like with money, I'd love to have money, but I'd much rather avoid the work.
Long story, read it or don't, whatever. For me this is like a blog or journal where I vent, reflect and contemplate.
And the way I lived my life is very weird. I literally retreated to my absolute comfort zone as much as possible. I lived my entire life, not that far from 30 years, literally rotting in bed in front of a screen in my room. 16 hours a day most days. Doing what is the closest thing to being asleep while still awake - in bed watching the same shit over and over, browsing the same sites over and over, playing the same games that require low interactivity, over and over. And I tried to maximize that escapism and comfort zone as much as possible. In school, the moment I got there I'd wish I was home, I'd even say that out loud jokingly and people would laugh sometimes. So I played on my phone or did whatnot to be in a comfort zone even while in school/uni.
Hell, as old as I am I'm still unemployed and still studying, also inevitably as a way to maximize my comfort zone. The first time I was in uni I became an alcoholic, locked up in my room drinking daily. That was turbo comfortable (although it ruined my life and my parent's lives in 50 different ways), I liked it so much I kept doing it and skipping classes until I dropped out. Just cause it was so comfortable. I even chose majors that were comfortable, easy shit that is pointless for a career, but where I could get good grades without really studying because the classes were just that easy.
Anyway, I kinda lost my train of thought. The point is, I maximize my comfort, to the point of literally rotting, even to this day. I've gotten to such a point of laziness and avoiding anything uncomfortable that even going outside is stressful. Hell, even changing a tiny element of my routine of rotting is stressful and anxiety-inducing. I'd love it if it materialized out of thin air, but putting in the gargantuan amount of work and suffering required to get it is something that just makes me want to rot and avoid it altogether.
But, this kind of hedonism is not very satisfying. Sure, theoretically if I had money without moving a muscle and working on it, a hedonist lifestyle would be pleasant till the grave. But otherwise, this shitty and lazy form of hedonism ain't doing it for me any more.
And finally, getting to the point of all this. There's no alternative to this hedonism of rotting and not going out of my comfort zone. Because I have no interests, no passions, no goals. Nothing that would make it worth it for me to actually mobilize and endure the suffering of being outside of my comfort zone. Any desire or goal that I can imagine is very childish like doing pleasant things and avoiding unpleasant things, more of a desire to avoid something, like not wanting to work, not wanting pain or suffering, for me or my parents.
Of course, reality will come knocking and I'll be pulled out of my comfort zone a bit. Soon I'll have to get a shitty low-pay job. I was lucky enough to still not have a job at this age. Thought I'll still continue to do what I did. It will be much harder to be in this comfort zone of rotting while at a job, but as with school and uni, when I'm done I'll rush straight home and continue rotting. Rinse and repeat for a few decades, I don't see myself changing. My brain has changed into something that doesn't see the point in anything, so there's no way I'll be able to discipline myself into doing anything but rotting. Even at work, if it's something that doesn't demand too much attention (hopefully), I'll try to slack off as much as possible.
End of the shitty blog post I guess. Idk, I really tried to come up with an answer of what I want in this life, I really thought about it. Something that would make me change my ways and go out and actually live life and stop fucking rotting and growing older while not experiencing life at all. And I just couldn't, there's no interests I have in life, no goals. There's plenty of things I don't want to happen in this life, and the few things that I do want to happen are vague and childish shit like having money without working for it.
P.S: Ohh right, I guess most people would say women or pussy or something. Idk, that's not enough for me to be able to stop rotting. The juice ain't worth the squeeze, or in other words, changing my life so fundamentally and facing the suffering of being outside my comfort zone is impossible with the goal of getting a girlfriend/wife in mind. I must be low T or something, it just doesn't mobilize me at all. It's like with money, I'd love to have money, but I'd much rather avoid the work.
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