calimero
still need teen goth gf
★★
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2022
- Posts
- 2,162
I have always sort of been a people pleaser. When I was 11 I realized it was very important to make friends. Up until 12 years old I was basically mute, and always kept quiet to classmates. In my free time I would always play computer games, and at age 11 I also started programming.
I realized in the first 2 years of high school that things didn't make sense and I was lowest of the group. Though people probably wouldn't admit it, I was better looking than them and also much more intelligent (most of them barely ended up with college level degrees). Because I was always trying to please and very scared of people, I was lowest of the group. Like a friend said "he is nice, but he isn't really part of the group". And that statement sort of sums up people's view of me for the rest of my life. During breaks I would always wander the hallways and hide in toilets because during certain periods I didn't have friends to spend the break.
By age 16 I got more talkative and learned to introject and develop my own style a little bit. It still took a lot of effort, and in my final year of high school at age 18 I was sort of liked by people because I wanted a year to try being popular, so I tried befriending popular kids and this worked. Although I still had no part in the going-out culture and making a facebook, which people slowly started doing at that age. My free time was basically spent on tons of unfinished programming projects and graphic design. I have always been a slave to creative impulses, and this caused me to become a little more advanced than fellow students, although I was underrated by others whenever people had the chance. I was always extremely self-reliant and never asked anyone for help, I figured out everything myself.
I realize that if you have a certain meek temperament, conflict-avoidant and don't fight back, people will treat you bad and think you aren't very capable. People always live by first impressions, and apparently I don't make a very good one. Don't get me wrong, even though people looked down upon me, I was still included in a group of metalheads, which still made me experience friendship. At 16 I fell in love for the first time (although I never confessed it to her), and this gave me very euphoric feelings which still cause me to think about her 13 years later.
At 19 is when my nightmare really began. When I was in the introduction week at uni, I tried the same strategy in highschool. I tried befriending the most popular guy by fucking around with him, but little did I know that he was a narcissist and said he thought I was an asshole. This quickly disqualified me in front of the group. I didn't finish the introduction week and always had the feeling people were weird and I didn't fit in. I sort of had 3 friends (although I didn't go out with them), but they all dropped out the first year.
I can remember whenever I was in a classroom I would sit away from my peers because it would cause me anxiety to sit close to them. They were so chaotic and I felt like I was being needy and needed to make friends, so I much rather kept to myself. My bachelor years were basically spent in isolation.
Although I carried almost every group project in my years in uni, there was one project in the first year where one guy decided to program everything and this caused me to not be able to contribute, which I hated. Ofcourse this gave me the reputation as someone who leeched, because apparently I didn't give a good first impression to people. I saw one facebook chat behind my back a people said about me "don't include him in our group. he is always late and nooone really knows him". This was after the entire class rejected me to be in their group (around 40 people), so I was forced to take the course next year.
I don't understand it, because really my only goal in life was to make friends and find a girlfriend. But even though I was occupied with this full time I got none of it, and I was just exhausted trying. Every interaction with people would make me way more excited than them, and people would just end up thinking im strange.
At the start of my master I realized guys hated me or thought I was boring or strange, and I realized I could only sort of be friends with girls. I befriended a fat girl and a girl from a group project. Although they never mentioned anything about our connection I felt that I was important to them. They will probably say that it was all in my head, and this made me realize that girls sort of have a split personality. Which means nonverbally they are very different than verbally.
After that I met my oneitus and we were friends for 5 months. Then I said some stupid things to her and she accused me of stalking her. This caused a breakdown for me and I admitted in the psychiatrict hospital. This repeated the following years while in the meanwhile I was losing contact with classmates and was basically living in another world.
Now I'm alone in my appartment trying to finish my second masters while everyone has passed by and is just living their lives. I'm fucked up due to electroshocks and psychotic episodes. I have no energy or goals left and I ended up all alone. I feel like I am in a wasteland. I hear guys outside socializing and talking about carreer things and daily life and I realize I am scared of them. I am so far from fitting in that I wouldn't even know where to start. I hear girls laugh about things guys say, but I have no ways of meeting them. If I try then girls just call my housing corporation and file a complaint about me. I can't get matches on dating apps and society has made me scared of approaching girls due to my psychiatrict background.
In less than a month I will be 30 and my plan is basically to hide and eventually comfymaxx. If I can create a startup in half a year, then maybe I can get minimum wage passive income. I will do it all by myself. If that works I can just close all doors and hide from the world and read books all day.
The truth of life is that everything is a life and that the burden will not end. There is nothing on this place but hate, and ultimately we are all alone in our suffering. Inside, the world has stopped for me, yet everything still moves on without a care in the world. I don't know how it will end.
If you read all of this, thank you for listening.
I realized in the first 2 years of high school that things didn't make sense and I was lowest of the group. Though people probably wouldn't admit it, I was better looking than them and also much more intelligent (most of them barely ended up with college level degrees). Because I was always trying to please and very scared of people, I was lowest of the group. Like a friend said "he is nice, but he isn't really part of the group". And that statement sort of sums up people's view of me for the rest of my life. During breaks I would always wander the hallways and hide in toilets because during certain periods I didn't have friends to spend the break.
By age 16 I got more talkative and learned to introject and develop my own style a little bit. It still took a lot of effort, and in my final year of high school at age 18 I was sort of liked by people because I wanted a year to try being popular, so I tried befriending popular kids and this worked. Although I still had no part in the going-out culture and making a facebook, which people slowly started doing at that age. My free time was basically spent on tons of unfinished programming projects and graphic design. I have always been a slave to creative impulses, and this caused me to become a little more advanced than fellow students, although I was underrated by others whenever people had the chance. I was always extremely self-reliant and never asked anyone for help, I figured out everything myself.
I realize that if you have a certain meek temperament, conflict-avoidant and don't fight back, people will treat you bad and think you aren't very capable. People always live by first impressions, and apparently I don't make a very good one. Don't get me wrong, even though people looked down upon me, I was still included in a group of metalheads, which still made me experience friendship. At 16 I fell in love for the first time (although I never confessed it to her), and this gave me very euphoric feelings which still cause me to think about her 13 years later.
At 19 is when my nightmare really began. When I was in the introduction week at uni, I tried the same strategy in highschool. I tried befriending the most popular guy by fucking around with him, but little did I know that he was a narcissist and said he thought I was an asshole. This quickly disqualified me in front of the group. I didn't finish the introduction week and always had the feeling people were weird and I didn't fit in. I sort of had 3 friends (although I didn't go out with them), but they all dropped out the first year.
I can remember whenever I was in a classroom I would sit away from my peers because it would cause me anxiety to sit close to them. They were so chaotic and I felt like I was being needy and needed to make friends, so I much rather kept to myself. My bachelor years were basically spent in isolation.
Although I carried almost every group project in my years in uni, there was one project in the first year where one guy decided to program everything and this caused me to not be able to contribute, which I hated. Ofcourse this gave me the reputation as someone who leeched, because apparently I didn't give a good first impression to people. I saw one facebook chat behind my back a people said about me "don't include him in our group. he is always late and nooone really knows him". This was after the entire class rejected me to be in their group (around 40 people), so I was forced to take the course next year.
I don't understand it, because really my only goal in life was to make friends and find a girlfriend. But even though I was occupied with this full time I got none of it, and I was just exhausted trying. Every interaction with people would make me way more excited than them, and people would just end up thinking im strange.
At the start of my master I realized guys hated me or thought I was boring or strange, and I realized I could only sort of be friends with girls. I befriended a fat girl and a girl from a group project. Although they never mentioned anything about our connection I felt that I was important to them. They will probably say that it was all in my head, and this made me realize that girls sort of have a split personality. Which means nonverbally they are very different than verbally.
After that I met my oneitus and we were friends for 5 months. Then I said some stupid things to her and she accused me of stalking her. This caused a breakdown for me and I admitted in the psychiatrict hospital. This repeated the following years while in the meanwhile I was losing contact with classmates and was basically living in another world.
Now I'm alone in my appartment trying to finish my second masters while everyone has passed by and is just living their lives. I'm fucked up due to electroshocks and psychotic episodes. I have no energy or goals left and I ended up all alone. I feel like I am in a wasteland. I hear guys outside socializing and talking about carreer things and daily life and I realize I am scared of them. I am so far from fitting in that I wouldn't even know where to start. I hear girls laugh about things guys say, but I have no ways of meeting them. If I try then girls just call my housing corporation and file a complaint about me. I can't get matches on dating apps and society has made me scared of approaching girls due to my psychiatrict background.
In less than a month I will be 30 and my plan is basically to hide and eventually comfymaxx. If I can create a startup in half a year, then maybe I can get minimum wage passive income. I will do it all by myself. If that works I can just close all doors and hide from the world and read books all day.
The truth of life is that everything is a life and that the burden will not end. There is nothing on this place but hate, and ultimately we are all alone in our suffering. Inside, the world has stopped for me, yet everything still moves on without a care in the world. I don't know how it will end.
If you read all of this, thank you for listening.
.
