I would love for you to be happy. I don't know what could be done, considering the shit hand you were dealt. Only thing I can suggest is: if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why not do so metaphorically instead of in the way that would please everyone who hates you? Why not die to the world, and in that way be reborn?
One can only be shown a door, or in this case many doors. And hey, even if it's all bullshit, isn't it slightly tastier shit than porn and video games? Consider the following from the Buddha, from a much longer discourse to those who don't know what to follow or believe among the many paths to destiny:
"When that noble disciple has a mind that's free of enmity and ill will, uncorrupted and purified, they've won four consolations in this very life.
"'If it turns out there is another world, and good and bad deeds have a result, then—when the body breaks up, after death—I'll be reborn in a good place, a heavenly realm.' This is the first consolation they've won.
"'If it turns out there is no other world, and good and bad deeds don't have a result, then in this very life I'll keep myself free of enmity and ill will, untroubled and happy.' This is the second consolation they've won.
"'If it turns out that bad things happen to people who do bad things, then since I have no bad intentions, and since I'm not doing anything bad, how can suffering touch me?' This is the third consolation they've won.
"'If it turns out that bad things don't happen to people who do bad things, then I still see myself pure on both sides.' This is the fourth consolation they've won.
"When that noble disciple has a mind that's free of enmity and ill will, uncorrupted and purified, they've won these four consolations in this very life."
Early Buddhist texts from the Tipitaka (Tripitaka). Suttas (sutras) with the Buddha's teachings on mindfulness, insight, wisdom, and meditation.
suttacentral.net
