Why am I such a horrible person?
All my thoughts and actions stem from ego-centrism, and I hardly even try to understand the struggles of others that aren't in a similar situation as me due to how little I think of so many different problems, I can 'understand' them but no longer attempt to comprehend them which I can't even excuse with my autism when I truly don't even attempt to try; the discontent I feel towards myself and existence as well as the immense suicidal ideation overwhelms any shred of innate kindness within myself, so when I look at the struggles of others I can easily pretend that I care, give advice and try to be there but internally I simply don't, or atleast I can't seem to feel... Anything at all?
I've made posts about how little people seemed to care about my life, the child abuse from a homeless mother, the severe bullying, this innate disgust etc; but for a long time now, I understand that I seem to be the one who cares the least of all now, in regards to any life in general. Not 'hate' but utter lack of any emotion, even my day to day life is just a blank state going about routine. I simply just don't care about what's going on with the rest of society, how can I care when I don't even care for what's going on in my own life anymore? Practically waiting for death.
Years of working out, different hobbies, academic success, musical learning etc had done nothing to dissuade this gnawing thought process so I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I'm not even sure if love can in some way fix the way I'm broken, sure it stemmed from the lack of general love my entire life but it seems far more than that now; it's like I'm a monster underneath human skin feigning normalcy irl. I've said it in the past that I'm not as ugly anymore as I used to be but I don't think my life will ever get better, or atleast the way I view life.
I was planning on killing myself recently in a quiet way (found a reliable source and all) but I still can't bring myself to end it all, I think I'll just have to go about life like this. Just aimless and utterly destroyed emotionally.
All my thoughts and actions stem from ego-centrism, and I hardly even try to understand the struggles of others that aren't in a similar situation as me due to how little I think of so many different problems, I can 'understand' them but no longer attempt to comprehend them which I can't even excuse with my autism when I truly don't even attempt to try; the discontent I feel towards myself and existence as well as the immense suicidal ideation overwhelms any shred of innate kindness within myself, so when I look at the struggles of others I can easily pretend that I care, give advice and try to be there but internally I simply don't, or atleast I can't seem to feel... Anything at all?
I've made posts about how little people seemed to care about my life, the child abuse from a homeless mother, the severe bullying, this innate disgust etc; but for a long time now, I understand that I seem to be the one who cares the least of all now, in regards to any life in general. Not 'hate' but utter lack of any emotion, even my day to day life is just a blank state going about routine. I simply just don't care about what's going on with the rest of society, how can I care when I don't even care for what's going on in my own life anymore? Practically waiting for death.
Years of working out, different hobbies, academic success, musical learning etc had done nothing to dissuade this gnawing thought process so I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I'm not even sure if love can in some way fix the way I'm broken, sure it stemmed from the lack of general love my entire life but it seems far more than that now; it's like I'm a monster underneath human skin feigning normalcy irl. I've said it in the past that I'm not as ugly anymore as I used to be but I don't think my life will ever get better, or atleast the way I view life.
I was planning on killing myself recently in a quiet way (found a reliable source and all) but I still can't bring myself to end it all, I think I'll just have to go about life like this. Just aimless and utterly destroyed emotionally.
