I've been able to dive into video games once again, gymceling and gamdevceling spending hours enjoying myself but on the occassion something feels wrong and suddenly it's like I can longer enjoy myself. It just comes out of no where so often, I start thinking about my identity and start questioning it. I can never "feel myself" anymore I'm like an old model of a robot that has served his purpose and now lacks a new purpose. This inability to suddenly not feel joy is followed by anxious nervousness as I feel like I'm slipping into the way I was at my worst, a mind that I cannot control any longer. Nothing has been the same since 2023, It's as if a switch was flicked off and my brain has been permanently damaged no longer to think the way I did when I was enjoying my life despite being alone, Sure I had my moments of sadness and lonelyness but I was able to manage most of the time delving deep into my hobbies being very sure of my own identity. Now it feels like I will never get back to that.
