My body is repulsive, my frame is narrow, my will is weak. I am neurotic and pace around whilst my eyes dart elsewhere, I don’t know what to do, it isn’t mere body dysmorphia, my fears are grounded in reality, the reactions of people, even as minor as my hotel receptionist, reinforce that it isn’t delusion, but reality, they dart from my eyes to my frame and immediately gather two things. My autistic stare and my small frame, thus I am rejected, once more, as always. If your fears are grounded in reality, there is only one possibility: your fucked. I hate the idea that even if I were to get a girlfriend I would inevitably get cucked by someone who isn’t a genetic dead end, I have so much fear in losing the only things I hold valuable that if I were to ever get one, and lose her, I’d probably go postal (in postal 2) I don’t know what to do, my fears are genuine, and not illogical, my neurodivergence is a natural response to how everyone has treated me for years due to my underdeveloped face and body, this isn’t who I should’ve of been, it’s a test dummy who society has destroyed, they have proved their point, and the experiment is long gone but I’m beyond repair, what do you even do? Every second of the day I’m repulsed by myself, I hate the whore that brought me into this world. I hate myself for being born, I hate everything and everything within this world, God take me away already, death to the planet, anything that increases suffering to this world should be amplified, I want everyone else to feel my misery, my self loathing and my hatred, none should escape this feeling, let it burn, all of it. Sorry if this comes off as edgy, but I don’t know how to articulate such feelings otherwise or anywhere else. I wish nothing but doom and despair upon all, for that is all I have felt my entire life long. I want this world to burn and for all within it to feel the same fires that have consumed me for 20+ years. I haven’t had a single day that wasn’t miserable, since my birth, every day is pain and it gets worse and worse and I get uglier and uglier, until what? I’ve already aged rapidly and am losing hair, I no longer shave, I try to never go out, my teeth are beyond yellow, they are a sort of orange, I don’t shower, there is NO point. I used to do everything right, I showered three times a day, I was hygienic, I was a good student with good grades, above average grades actually, I did everything according to the rules, and I got nothing. After so long you just lose it, you lose all assumptions about this world that you had and you fall into despair, and I’ve been rotting down there for years and years and years, since my adolescence, really. What am I to do? Perhaps some of you wish to join me, that would be okay. Atleast we can rot together
