Living as an "avoidant"/"narcissist" is hell on earth. The paranoia and insecurities are too much to handle. Here are some of my very specific daily experiences:
-Whenever my hair isn't perfect, I have mental breakdowns and avoid going to places with a lot of people, in case someone I know might see me. When my hair does look good, I feel like a superhuman, though a gust of wind could easily send me back into a mental breakdown at any moment.
-Whenever I see someone I know but haven't seen in a long time, I pretend like I've never met them before in a very cringey manner. Sometimes if I see them coming from a far, I'll change my directions so I don't have to walk past them. There have been situations where I have literally sprinted away before people could see me.
-I avoid crosswalks without street lights, and take the longer route until I encounter a street light. Because I am too scared of responsibilities, I can't hold the responsibility of crossing the road and forcing cars to stop from me, feeling like a hinderance to them, I need a third party like a traffic light to officiate the traffic for me.
-Back in school/uni I have never once made a decision on my own. For an example if we could choose our own project topic I would wait to see what the majority of the students would choose, and then pick that one.
-When someone asks me to do something for them, I'll throw a tantrum, do exaggerated sighs, be really annoying about it, but in the end I'll do it anyways. I've had multiple projects where I did all the work, and was pissed about it, but would tell my teammates that it's not a big deal that they didn't do a thing.
-I don't go to the stores I'm a regular at until I have change. If my cash bills are too large, I feel like a hinderance for making the cashier lose all of her change, so I go to a store I've never been to before and buy something expensive, that I don't need, so that I may obtain some change.
-At my cousins 18th birthday celebration (big deal in Serbia), a lot of the adults began leaving, so I was invited to go upstairs and hang out with my cousins friends (I was 15 at the time). I made up an excuse (studying) and left immediately. We are each others only 1st cousins so what I did was very insulting.
-My only ever truly close friend moved to the US at some point. We kept in touch and would play games together. Then he asked me to buy Overwatch so we can play together, and he was quite pushy about it. My mom would always shame me for playing video games, and would never buy them for me, and would also ask me to delete them from our shared pc due to virus fearmongering. To this day I have never once paid for anything online, I always either pirate or just give up on doing something that requires payment. So due to this I felt like my friend pushing me to buy this game was very mean as he was putting me in a hard position. As a people pleaser I felt the need to buy the game so I could play it with him, but I also felt too much shame to ask my mom. So I got mad at my friend, ghosted him, and we haven't talked in about 8 years now.
-No one knows anything about me. None of my interests. I have to wait until someone brings up an interest I hold until I feel comfortable enough to talk about it. In the meantime, I try to decide what the person I'm talking to likes and then I pretend to like it too. Not in a machiavellian way, but out of fear.
-I talk quietly on phone calls and try to force them all to end within 30s.
-When I like a girl, I stalk her online (and I'm Joe Goldberg level good) and try to be in her environment (usually walk past her on the streets), but I have never once talked to my crush - despite walking past her 100s of times.
-I assume everyone hates me and finds me boring, so I start hating them and withdrawing around them, which in turn ends up truly making them hate me and find me boring.
-I check my reflection whenever I can. Every single window, every single mirror. I look into them all, no matter what I'm doing or where I am. I do it at least a 50 times a day. I probably look ridiculous doing it in public.
-Whenever I'm about to do something, I have to preface it by saying that I won't do a good job and that people shouldn't expect much. (like titling this thread)
There's deffo more but this thread is too long.
If you wanna see how I ended up like this, check out this thread:
incels.is
To the NTs who will inevitably betabux and ascend, don't be a strict parent, never yell at your kids, let them kill small animals, let them have straight Fs. Better a psychopath than a narcissist.
-Whenever my hair isn't perfect, I have mental breakdowns and avoid going to places with a lot of people, in case someone I know might see me. When my hair does look good, I feel like a superhuman, though a gust of wind could easily send me back into a mental breakdown at any moment.
-Whenever I see someone I know but haven't seen in a long time, I pretend like I've never met them before in a very cringey manner. Sometimes if I see them coming from a far, I'll change my directions so I don't have to walk past them. There have been situations where I have literally sprinted away before people could see me.
-I avoid crosswalks without street lights, and take the longer route until I encounter a street light. Because I am too scared of responsibilities, I can't hold the responsibility of crossing the road and forcing cars to stop from me, feeling like a hinderance to them, I need a third party like a traffic light to officiate the traffic for me.
-Back in school/uni I have never once made a decision on my own. For an example if we could choose our own project topic I would wait to see what the majority of the students would choose, and then pick that one.
-When someone asks me to do something for them, I'll throw a tantrum, do exaggerated sighs, be really annoying about it, but in the end I'll do it anyways. I've had multiple projects where I did all the work, and was pissed about it, but would tell my teammates that it's not a big deal that they didn't do a thing.
-I don't go to the stores I'm a regular at until I have change. If my cash bills are too large, I feel like a hinderance for making the cashier lose all of her change, so I go to a store I've never been to before and buy something expensive, that I don't need, so that I may obtain some change.
-At my cousins 18th birthday celebration (big deal in Serbia), a lot of the adults began leaving, so I was invited to go upstairs and hang out with my cousins friends (I was 15 at the time). I made up an excuse (studying) and left immediately. We are each others only 1st cousins so what I did was very insulting.
-My only ever truly close friend moved to the US at some point. We kept in touch and would play games together. Then he asked me to buy Overwatch so we can play together, and he was quite pushy about it. My mom would always shame me for playing video games, and would never buy them for me, and would also ask me to delete them from our shared pc due to virus fearmongering. To this day I have never once paid for anything online, I always either pirate or just give up on doing something that requires payment. So due to this I felt like my friend pushing me to buy this game was very mean as he was putting me in a hard position. As a people pleaser I felt the need to buy the game so I could play it with him, but I also felt too much shame to ask my mom. So I got mad at my friend, ghosted him, and we haven't talked in about 8 years now.
-No one knows anything about me. None of my interests. I have to wait until someone brings up an interest I hold until I feel comfortable enough to talk about it. In the meantime, I try to decide what the person I'm talking to likes and then I pretend to like it too. Not in a machiavellian way, but out of fear.
-I talk quietly on phone calls and try to force them all to end within 30s.
-When I like a girl, I stalk her online (and I'm Joe Goldberg level good) and try to be in her environment (usually walk past her on the streets), but I have never once talked to my crush - despite walking past her 100s of times.
-I assume everyone hates me and finds me boring, so I start hating them and withdrawing around them, which in turn ends up truly making them hate me and find me boring.
-I check my reflection whenever I can. Every single window, every single mirror. I look into them all, no matter what I'm doing or where I am. I do it at least a 50 times a day. I probably look ridiculous doing it in public.
-Whenever I'm about to do something, I have to preface it by saying that I won't do a good job and that people shouldn't expect much. (like titling this thread)
There's deffo more but this thread is too long.
If you wanna see how I ended up like this, check out this thread:
My life story + Have you figured out how your parents ruined your life?
Every time I think my parents weren't that bad, I spend time with them and am reminded that they are. Honestly, my mom is better although she cheated and initiated divorce. My dad is just someone who walks around criticizing others and throwing stones in a glass house. He is also completely...
incels.is
To the NTs who will inevitably betabux and ascend, don't be a strict parent, never yell at your kids, let them kill small animals, let them have straight Fs. Better a psychopath than a narcissist.
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