I’ve spent every second of my life wondering what it feels like to be them; normal people who fit in seamlessly. I observe as they laugh, make inside jokes, listen to normal music as if it came to them naturally like a bee floats to pollen. I have always been on the outside, never quite being able to be like them.
It’s truly a beautiful thing to witness. It’s just unfortunate that I’ll never be able to experience it. I wasn’t given a great hand at birth with the qualities I possess, if I possess any at that.
I have autism. Not the kind of autism glorified on TikTok, but the kind of autism that makes people look at me as if I have a third eye. The kind of autism that makes it impossible for me to connect with another human being. The kind of autism that ruined my life. People want to avoid me, and I can’t blame them. I’d avoid myself too if I were them.
I’ve tried connecting with people, I really have. Whenever I speak this issue to others, they always tell me to put effort in before declaring defeat. The issue with that is that I already tried to put the effort in, and it availed to absolutely nothing. I now know how it ends: they always pull away, and there is nothing I can do about it. I go into every new situation with another human being knowing they’ll leave me feeling paralyzed. It’s like a part of me I can’t let go. Like watering a garden that never blooms.
Perhaps it’s a defense mechanism, but I always prepare for the day where the only sound I hear is my heart breaking. I’ve gotten to a point where I cut people off the instant I notice distance, because I know the inevitable is coming closer. I leave every chapter open. Every book unfinished. And it only multiplies the heavy feeling in my chest. Every. Single. Time.
No one has ever truly understood me, no one. They say they do, but they never will. They’ll never know what it feels like to be conscious of the way they’re walking, the way their sentences sound, the way their face looks. I’m just a background character that people forget.
I am unloveable, there’s no way of looking past it. Deep down inside, I will never be someone that another human being can connect with and love. I’m still able to make friends, if that’s what you want to call it, but they will always prefer others over me.
I always daydream of what my life would be like if I was normal. It’s great. The only negative part about those daydreams is that they aren’t real, and eventually I need to snap back into the real world and remember that the only version that exists is me. And I am not good enough. I will never be good enough.
I don’t want to change who I am, I just want to be myself. I don’t want to be a burden whenever I’m around other people. I want people to see me.
I’ve tried copying my peers. Their lingo, their character, their style. Of course, as a result to try and fit in. Unfortunately, it fails every time. It only leads to me remembering who I truly am. It feels like acting in a movie that will never get released.
Truthfully, I just don’t want to feel so alone all the time.
It’s truly a beautiful thing to witness. It’s just unfortunate that I’ll never be able to experience it. I wasn’t given a great hand at birth with the qualities I possess, if I possess any at that.
I have autism. Not the kind of autism glorified on TikTok, but the kind of autism that makes people look at me as if I have a third eye. The kind of autism that makes it impossible for me to connect with another human being. The kind of autism that ruined my life. People want to avoid me, and I can’t blame them. I’d avoid myself too if I were them.
I’ve tried connecting with people, I really have. Whenever I speak this issue to others, they always tell me to put effort in before declaring defeat. The issue with that is that I already tried to put the effort in, and it availed to absolutely nothing. I now know how it ends: they always pull away, and there is nothing I can do about it. I go into every new situation with another human being knowing they’ll leave me feeling paralyzed. It’s like a part of me I can’t let go. Like watering a garden that never blooms.
Perhaps it’s a defense mechanism, but I always prepare for the day where the only sound I hear is my heart breaking. I’ve gotten to a point where I cut people off the instant I notice distance, because I know the inevitable is coming closer. I leave every chapter open. Every book unfinished. And it only multiplies the heavy feeling in my chest. Every. Single. Time.
No one has ever truly understood me, no one. They say they do, but they never will. They’ll never know what it feels like to be conscious of the way they’re walking, the way their sentences sound, the way their face looks. I’m just a background character that people forget.
I am unloveable, there’s no way of looking past it. Deep down inside, I will never be someone that another human being can connect with and love. I’m still able to make friends, if that’s what you want to call it, but they will always prefer others over me.
I always daydream of what my life would be like if I was normal. It’s great. The only negative part about those daydreams is that they aren’t real, and eventually I need to snap back into the real world and remember that the only version that exists is me. And I am not good enough. I will never be good enough.
I don’t want to change who I am, I just want to be myself. I don’t want to be a burden whenever I’m around other people. I want people to see me.
I’ve tried copying my peers. Their lingo, their character, their style. Of course, as a result to try and fit in. Unfortunately, it fails every time. It only leads to me remembering who I truly am. It feels like acting in a movie that will never get released.
Truthfully, I just don’t want to feel so alone all the time.
