Deleted member 8353
Former Hikikomori, Aimless Pleasure Seeker
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- Joined
- May 29, 2018
- Posts
- 9,341
Like I mentioned in my other thread, lately I've been obsessing over old pictures of myself. Most of these are from before the point where having my picture taken would make me incredibly upset, that was when I was simply trying to deny that I was ugly, despite knowing the truth, hence my reaction. I can remember when many the pictures were taken, and then I'm once again faced with the reality that I'm subhuman trash. When I look through my eyes, I don't feel like I should be ugly. Sometimes I get intrusive thoughts asking what I did wrong, or why I couldn't have been attractive, but I know these are irrational. It's just weird how hard it is to reconcile the reality of my appearance with my own idea of what I am, it makes me feel like I'm trapped within my own head, a meaningless background character in another person's story, definitely a counter evolutionary intuition.
It simply amazes me that I was born, had all sorts of experiences, just to fully come to the realization that not only am I trapped in a decaying flesh prison, no somehow that's not enough, also my ugliness means that others will immediately think less of me, that I'll be isolated, sexually frustrated, and touch starved. I feel like a thing that simply shouldn't be, that every memory, every thought, every dream of mine would have been better off never having existed. Honestly it's difficult to describe this feeling, but it's awful, it makes my whole life feel like an elaborate joke.
It simply amazes me that I was born, had all sorts of experiences, just to fully come to the realization that not only am I trapped in a decaying flesh prison, no somehow that's not enough, also my ugliness means that others will immediately think less of me, that I'll be isolated, sexually frustrated, and touch starved. I feel like a thing that simply shouldn't be, that every memory, every thought, every dream of mine would have been better off never having existed. Honestly it's difficult to describe this feeling, but it's awful, it makes my whole life feel like an elaborate joke.