I might get banned for this post, but I don't know where to talk about this and honestly I wouldn't say everything I'm talking right here even to my closest friends, because of how pathetic of a 30+ year old incel that I am. I never felt this bad in my entire life. This is a LONG post, but I hope at least one person will read it all.
First of all, I know this will be seen as a bragging or humble bragging thread, dear lord I wish I felt like bragging, I actually feel like a piece of shit and already cried multiple times today.
A few days ago, my sister-in-law invited me to a social gathering, nothing fancy, just talking and eating with the other normies. I would pick her and her friend up and bring them there.
Her friend, let's just call her 'Z', saw something related to a hobby of mine in the back seat and already started conversations, it was funny because she was really engaged into talking and was very talkative in general, a very weird but nice girl, she eventually revealed in the event that she has to take meds to interact with people because her social anxiety is too high, she started to also get drunk which made me worried, my sister-in-law mentioned how Z is actually an huge slut who fucked multiple guys to the point she was expelled from a group because she slept with multiple of them. Keep in mind that even though Z is not ugly (not a Stacy either) she was not really my type, not trying to sound like a Chad taking his pick, maybe my mind is ruined by social media and porn?
When going back home, she (completely drunk and under the effect of the medication) started to straight up hit on me, they even talked jokingly about how I reminded her of her first boyfriend (we even shared the same name) it was weird, it didn't feel like I was a Chad at all, in fact it felt terrible for some reason, but at firs I thought it was just silly and after coming back home she REALLY wanted to spend time with me dancing for some reason, but I just went straight to bed.
The next day, I woke up with a message that was left here by her, basically saying that she was sorry if she scared me and that I was one of the nicest, that I was "incredible". That made me feel awful, because I was not scared at all, just sleepy, I even asked my parents if she was gone for good because I wanted to at least talk to her again.
Keep in mind I was not (and still not) attracted to her, at least physically. Mostly because of some physical characteristics, maybe I care about the whole "fucked a lot of other dudes" as well but I am not sure considering how bottom-of-the-barrel I feel right now. But anyway... the next day she was here again, but my sister-in-law had to solve some family businesses and Z would be here all day long, only the two of us. The sister-in-law basically pushed me to talk to her so I just told she could "watch me play games in my room" (yeah I am a nerd, sue me)
Z came to my room a few moments later, she was laughing out loud about the message she left me, and told me she made tons of noise trying to put it here, she is kind of a geek so it was easy to talk to her, I was just seeing silly shit online, playing a game here and there, and talking... just talking... hours and hours of talking. We only stopped when it was very late at night and I told her I was going to bed, she quickly left my room, it was so nice talking to her.
The next day I came back from work in the evening, Z and another friend from the sister-in-law met me and I showed some parts of the house, it was kind of fun, honestly. My parents came and they started talking, I came to my room, after my parents left, she came once again to my room, even making fun of herself for "bothering" me again. I just told her it was OK and we talked again... and talked, and talked... about all sorts of nerdy shit, sometimes she would mention the guy she is dating, something I didn't even care because I didn't really want to date her.
Then the next day came, and while I was at work, she sent me a photo of the plane she was traveling at, and it came to me that she was gone, probably for many years before I saw her again. But I was not sad until I came back home... my parents weren't here anymore, such a silent house, not a single noise, not a single laughter, conversation, god damn I missed her so much, it was so weird, it's like even though I didn't want to have sex with her, or kiss her, or anything like that... but I wanted her to be here so badly, that is when the sadness began. I felt really bad, but it got worse in the next days. The most soul-crushing part was coming to my room and seeing another letter from her, also praising me for being such a great guy, even with silly drawings and shit, I praised her back by texting while feeling like shit.
She kept sending me messages, memes, updates on her travel, this sort of thing. I was already really depressed over all this, kept responding in a very friendly manner. But nothing would get me ready to what happened today. I dreamed about her, I don't remember the details, but I woke up in the middle of the night dreaming about her, I went to my phone looking for her text like a drug addict going for their fix, and while going to work, I felt so bad about the whole situation that I almost cried, but I managed to keep it cool and work normally. Then when it was time to go back home, all my sadness came back, just as strong as ever.
About lunch time, she stopped texting me completely. I thought that maybe she just gave up, and it was painful, it would be just another rejection even though I didn't hit on her. I was crying in my car, in traffic. When I came back home, I saw a notification and immediately looked it up, it was my sister-in-law straight up telling me Z wanted to know if I wanted to kiss her.
I felt like crying, I took my time and just told her that I don't want to be with anyone right now, she asked me what was going on but I ignored the messages. I went to the bathroom, I cried, and cried again. I think I could cry again at any moment. I don't know why or how, but this feels worse than any rejection I ever faced, even though I was rejected by girls I had an huge crush on, I never cried over it, but right now... holy shit, this feels like shit, I don't know what to do. All I can do right now is hope to feel better in the next weeks or months.
Everything about inceldom came to me, like a fucking bull, destroying me completely. About me being over 30 and never having kissed a girl, about me being rejected by so many girls, about how this one girl was so great to be with, but how I couldn't touch her, didn't want to touch her, I am broken, I cannot recover from 30 years of inceldom, nothing could ever heal me, I already felt jaded and sad already, but this was the final nail in the coffin. Sure, she is a slut, but I liked so much to have companionship, to have someone to talk to me after a hard day at work, holy hell... it's like I had a taste of it... without tasting it at all. I don't know what to do. I hate this so much. 3 days I basically fell in love with her... without wanting her.
I just wanted a girl to talk to, funny how it has to be a girl, but I do.
First of all, I know this will be seen as a bragging or humble bragging thread, dear lord I wish I felt like bragging, I actually feel like a piece of shit and already cried multiple times today.
A few days ago, my sister-in-law invited me to a social gathering, nothing fancy, just talking and eating with the other normies. I would pick her and her friend up and bring them there.
Her friend, let's just call her 'Z', saw something related to a hobby of mine in the back seat and already started conversations, it was funny because she was really engaged into talking and was very talkative in general, a very weird but nice girl, she eventually revealed in the event that she has to take meds to interact with people because her social anxiety is too high, she started to also get drunk which made me worried, my sister-in-law mentioned how Z is actually an huge slut who fucked multiple guys to the point she was expelled from a group because she slept with multiple of them. Keep in mind that even though Z is not ugly (not a Stacy either) she was not really my type, not trying to sound like a Chad taking his pick, maybe my mind is ruined by social media and porn?
When going back home, she (completely drunk and under the effect of the medication) started to straight up hit on me, they even talked jokingly about how I reminded her of her first boyfriend (we even shared the same name) it was weird, it didn't feel like I was a Chad at all, in fact it felt terrible for some reason, but at firs I thought it was just silly and after coming back home she REALLY wanted to spend time with me dancing for some reason, but I just went straight to bed.
The next day, I woke up with a message that was left here by her, basically saying that she was sorry if she scared me and that I was one of the nicest, that I was "incredible". That made me feel awful, because I was not scared at all, just sleepy, I even asked my parents if she was gone for good because I wanted to at least talk to her again.
Keep in mind I was not (and still not) attracted to her, at least physically. Mostly because of some physical characteristics, maybe I care about the whole "fucked a lot of other dudes" as well but I am not sure considering how bottom-of-the-barrel I feel right now. But anyway... the next day she was here again, but my sister-in-law had to solve some family businesses and Z would be here all day long, only the two of us. The sister-in-law basically pushed me to talk to her so I just told she could "watch me play games in my room" (yeah I am a nerd, sue me)
Z came to my room a few moments later, she was laughing out loud about the message she left me, and told me she made tons of noise trying to put it here, she is kind of a geek so it was easy to talk to her, I was just seeing silly shit online, playing a game here and there, and talking... just talking... hours and hours of talking. We only stopped when it was very late at night and I told her I was going to bed, she quickly left my room, it was so nice talking to her.
The next day I came back from work in the evening, Z and another friend from the sister-in-law met me and I showed some parts of the house, it was kind of fun, honestly. My parents came and they started talking, I came to my room, after my parents left, she came once again to my room, even making fun of herself for "bothering" me again. I just told her it was OK and we talked again... and talked, and talked... about all sorts of nerdy shit, sometimes she would mention the guy she is dating, something I didn't even care because I didn't really want to date her.
Then the next day came, and while I was at work, she sent me a photo of the plane she was traveling at, and it came to me that she was gone, probably for many years before I saw her again. But I was not sad until I came back home... my parents weren't here anymore, such a silent house, not a single noise, not a single laughter, conversation, god damn I missed her so much, it was so weird, it's like even though I didn't want to have sex with her, or kiss her, or anything like that... but I wanted her to be here so badly, that is when the sadness began. I felt really bad, but it got worse in the next days. The most soul-crushing part was coming to my room and seeing another letter from her, also praising me for being such a great guy, even with silly drawings and shit, I praised her back by texting while feeling like shit.
She kept sending me messages, memes, updates on her travel, this sort of thing. I was already really depressed over all this, kept responding in a very friendly manner. But nothing would get me ready to what happened today. I dreamed about her, I don't remember the details, but I woke up in the middle of the night dreaming about her, I went to my phone looking for her text like a drug addict going for their fix, and while going to work, I felt so bad about the whole situation that I almost cried, but I managed to keep it cool and work normally. Then when it was time to go back home, all my sadness came back, just as strong as ever.
About lunch time, she stopped texting me completely. I thought that maybe she just gave up, and it was painful, it would be just another rejection even though I didn't hit on her. I was crying in my car, in traffic. When I came back home, I saw a notification and immediately looked it up, it was my sister-in-law straight up telling me Z wanted to know if I wanted to kiss her.
I felt like crying, I took my time and just told her that I don't want to be with anyone right now, she asked me what was going on but I ignored the messages. I went to the bathroom, I cried, and cried again. I think I could cry again at any moment. I don't know why or how, but this feels worse than any rejection I ever faced, even though I was rejected by girls I had an huge crush on, I never cried over it, but right now... holy shit, this feels like shit, I don't know what to do. All I can do right now is hope to feel better in the next weeks or months.
Everything about inceldom came to me, like a fucking bull, destroying me completely. About me being over 30 and never having kissed a girl, about me being rejected by so many girls, about how this one girl was so great to be with, but how I couldn't touch her, didn't want to touch her, I am broken, I cannot recover from 30 years of inceldom, nothing could ever heal me, I already felt jaded and sad already, but this was the final nail in the coffin. Sure, she is a slut, but I liked so much to have companionship, to have someone to talk to me after a hard day at work, holy hell... it's like I had a taste of it... without tasting it at all. I don't know what to do. I hate this so much. 3 days I basically fell in love with her... without wanting her.
I just wanted a girl to talk to, funny how it has to be a girl, but I do.
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