It's as if all of my zest for life has simply faded away.
I sleep for over 12 hours a day, yet I still feel completely exhausted whenever I wake up. (Before anyone goes "try sleeping less!!" I did and I feel just as tired as before) I have constant brain fog were I forget things that happened seconds ago and I am basically unable to focus on anything. It's as if I'm living completely on autopilot, I don't even have an inner monologue anymore like I used to. (Instead, I just kind of do things without thinking)
The few times I do actually get to think, all I can think of is all of my failures and regrets. (AKA my entire life) I can't even slept most nights because my mind comes up with at least 30 things I did or said "incorrectly" during the day. It doesn't even end there, these thoughts eventually trace all the way back to elementary school. The only way I am able to sleep is if I'm extremely tired and I've coomed at least once, leaving my brain scrambled enough where I can't think anymore and just fall asleep. Anxiety isn't the only thing I constantly feel though, the second one is anger. I just feel pissed off all the time, like I want to punch someone in the face for no reason.
None of my copes work anymore, mainly because they only serve as reminders of my subhuman nature. I used to do a lot of digital art, but now I don't anymore because I hate all of my drawings and consider them to be terrible. While I still write (mainly fantasy stories) and play video games from time to time, I don't actually enjoy either of those things that much anymore because I feel like my skills are lacking compared to other people. It's not enough that I was born an ugly subhuman, but I can't even experience a SINGLE moment where I actually feel proud of myself.
I'll be 23 and already I feel as if my entire existence is completely pointless. I keep telling myself every year "this is the year you'll finally kill yourself" but I always chicken out in the end. (I can't even succeed in killing myself, jfl) All of this suffering wouldn't even be so bad if I knew that it was actually worth it, that there is a light at the end of this incredibly dark tunnel. There is no "light" though, since I am basically cursed to have terrible luck no matter what I do. Every single time I've tried setting a goal, I always fail. (Which makes me regret trying to begin with) If God actually exists, he is a complete asshole who wants me to be miserable for all eternity.
What's even there to look forward to? If I get a job, (Which isn't likely, considering my social anxiety makes it impossible for me to interact with people) it will be some shitty physically demanding job that I'll despise. (It's not like I'll even be able to support myself with such a small income, since the prices over here have reached absolutely astronomical levels) I'll obviously be alone for the rest of my life, and society is only getting more and more degenerate as time goes on, especially since most of my generation is already knee deep into all SJW bullshit you see everywhere.
Unfortunately, normies don't understand how difficult it is for many of us to simply go on living. I've been constantly accused of being an asshole because I don't contribute anything or because I don't put in enough effort, even though doing something as simple as holding a conversation with a family member or getting out of bed at all feels almost impossible at times because of how physically and mentally exhausted I am.
It's over, it never even began for any of us.
I sleep for over 12 hours a day, yet I still feel completely exhausted whenever I wake up. (Before anyone goes "try sleeping less!!" I did and I feel just as tired as before) I have constant brain fog were I forget things that happened seconds ago and I am basically unable to focus on anything. It's as if I'm living completely on autopilot, I don't even have an inner monologue anymore like I used to. (Instead, I just kind of do things without thinking)
The few times I do actually get to think, all I can think of is all of my failures and regrets. (AKA my entire life) I can't even slept most nights because my mind comes up with at least 30 things I did or said "incorrectly" during the day. It doesn't even end there, these thoughts eventually trace all the way back to elementary school. The only way I am able to sleep is if I'm extremely tired and I've coomed at least once, leaving my brain scrambled enough where I can't think anymore and just fall asleep. Anxiety isn't the only thing I constantly feel though, the second one is anger. I just feel pissed off all the time, like I want to punch someone in the face for no reason.
None of my copes work anymore, mainly because they only serve as reminders of my subhuman nature. I used to do a lot of digital art, but now I don't anymore because I hate all of my drawings and consider them to be terrible. While I still write (mainly fantasy stories) and play video games from time to time, I don't actually enjoy either of those things that much anymore because I feel like my skills are lacking compared to other people. It's not enough that I was born an ugly subhuman, but I can't even experience a SINGLE moment where I actually feel proud of myself.
I'll be 23 and already I feel as if my entire existence is completely pointless. I keep telling myself every year "this is the year you'll finally kill yourself" but I always chicken out in the end. (I can't even succeed in killing myself, jfl) All of this suffering wouldn't even be so bad if I knew that it was actually worth it, that there is a light at the end of this incredibly dark tunnel. There is no "light" though, since I am basically cursed to have terrible luck no matter what I do. Every single time I've tried setting a goal, I always fail. (Which makes me regret trying to begin with) If God actually exists, he is a complete asshole who wants me to be miserable for all eternity.
What's even there to look forward to? If I get a job, (Which isn't likely, considering my social anxiety makes it impossible for me to interact with people) it will be some shitty physically demanding job that I'll despise. (It's not like I'll even be able to support myself with such a small income, since the prices over here have reached absolutely astronomical levels) I'll obviously be alone for the rest of my life, and society is only getting more and more degenerate as time goes on, especially since most of my generation is already knee deep into all SJW bullshit you see everywhere.
Unfortunately, normies don't understand how difficult it is for many of us to simply go on living. I've been constantly accused of being an asshole because I don't contribute anything or because I don't put in enough effort, even though doing something as simple as holding a conversation with a family member or getting out of bed at all feels almost impossible at times because of how physically and mentally exhausted I am.
It's over, it never even began for any of us.
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