It's time for me to leave.
I'm not well-recognized here, nor have I made numerous friends here like many of the other, more older members of this site. It was and still is fun being here but I just cannot handle living with my body anymore. I've been an incel since 2017 and my journey so far is a constant loop of misery: I'm angry, sad, depressed, disgusted, hopeless and at the end, always empty. It never changes.
I often hide from *myself* behind a calm facade in order to believe that I'm calmer and more sane than I actually am, but no more. I just can't keep lying to myself anymore. I'm always too hard on myself; looking back, I realize that if only I had treated myself in a better light, half of my life would've went by in a better manner. I've always hated my face, my body but looking back, I was normal looking as a child but not anymore. I'm no longer normal and I hate that I didn't love myself when I was a bit better looking.
I've never told this to anyone here but I've always lied about myself. My actual height is 5'1.5", I have a micropenis, and half of my face was burned in a fire when I was fourteen years old. My eyes are okay, but the skin on the left side of my face is tight, puffy and inhuman and society hasn't been very kind to me because of it. I have friends but they think I'm a nuisance; I always feel like a third wheel, someone who isn't meant to be there when I tag along with them. I'm not socially inept, I'm just scared of people and what they think about me. I really wish I could've be a better friend — mine tried their best to be empathetic.
Looking back, I've never really wanted recognition from women. I don't want a harem of blonde, buxom women, I want someone who loves me for who I am which is impossible when you aren't ugly but facially scarred forever. And if even that isn't possible, I just want to look at the mirror, touch my hands and feel flesh grip flesh and maybe even think that I look normal enough to smile. God, I must've looked like a monster to the women I've asked out before. I'm terribly sorry to them if they were disgusted — it wasn't my fault. It really wasn't. I really wish I had a better face so I could be worthy of love, friendship and even more.
What really kicked the bucket for me was when a few days ago, a literal swedish Chad came into the IRC channel I am in(about manga and novels). 6'4", electric-blue eyes and seeing... his image (he verified by using a spoon) made my blood freeze. I literally am not human. I don't deserve love. And guess what, he's younger than me and is planning to go to Japan this year if the Coronavirus goes away, which I've always wanted to do.
Hahaha, most of you will laugh at me but I promise you, it gets worse as you age and experience life. In the blink of an eye, your golden years are over and you no longer deserve anything but scorn. I bid you adieu my friends. May we meet again in Incelhalla.
I'm not well-recognized here, nor have I made numerous friends here like many of the other, more older members of this site. It was and still is fun being here but I just cannot handle living with my body anymore. I've been an incel since 2017 and my journey so far is a constant loop of misery: I'm angry, sad, depressed, disgusted, hopeless and at the end, always empty. It never changes.
I often hide from *myself* behind a calm facade in order to believe that I'm calmer and more sane than I actually am, but no more. I just can't keep lying to myself anymore. I'm always too hard on myself; looking back, I realize that if only I had treated myself in a better light, half of my life would've went by in a better manner. I've always hated my face, my body but looking back, I was normal looking as a child but not anymore. I'm no longer normal and I hate that I didn't love myself when I was a bit better looking.
I've never told this to anyone here but I've always lied about myself. My actual height is 5'1.5", I have a micropenis, and half of my face was burned in a fire when I was fourteen years old. My eyes are okay, but the skin on the left side of my face is tight, puffy and inhuman and society hasn't been very kind to me because of it. I have friends but they think I'm a nuisance; I always feel like a third wheel, someone who isn't meant to be there when I tag along with them. I'm not socially inept, I'm just scared of people and what they think about me. I really wish I could've be a better friend — mine tried their best to be empathetic.
Looking back, I've never really wanted recognition from women. I don't want a harem of blonde, buxom women, I want someone who loves me for who I am which is impossible when you aren't ugly but facially scarred forever. And if even that isn't possible, I just want to look at the mirror, touch my hands and feel flesh grip flesh and maybe even think that I look normal enough to smile. God, I must've looked like a monster to the women I've asked out before. I'm terribly sorry to them if they were disgusted — it wasn't my fault. It really wasn't. I really wish I had a better face so I could be worthy of love, friendship and even more.
What really kicked the bucket for me was when a few days ago, a literal swedish Chad came into the IRC channel I am in(about manga and novels). 6'4", electric-blue eyes and seeing... his image (he verified by using a spoon) made my blood freeze. I literally am not human. I don't deserve love. And guess what, he's younger than me and is planning to go to Japan this year if the Coronavirus goes away, which I've always wanted to do.
Hahaha, most of you will laugh at me but I promise you, it gets worse as you age and experience life. In the blink of an eye, your golden years are over and you no longer deserve anything but scorn. I bid you adieu my friends. May we meet again in Incelhalla.
