- Mar 22, 2023
I tried the gym. All it did was make me muscular and ugly. Sort of like an Orc. I also rolled the genes to go bald in my 20s.
At first it really tore me up inside. I had this big fantasy in my head where I'd work super hard and finally get to be hot and people would notice me and say something better than "You look like a nice person!". That's just a polite way to say "You are physically unattractive but I am looking for away to compliment you."
I fought that battle internally for 5 years. Obsessive gym time. Programs designed by IFBB pros. HIIT cardio. Insane amounts of lifting. Crazy diets. Drinking 20 servings of raw egg-whites for breakfast. Steroids. I did everything. I blew up to 265lbs and was ripped. I was obviously on gear to anyone with eyeballs and a brain. I looked like a pro-wrestler, but I was still an ugly pro-wrestler. Asymmetrical face and body. Bone structure of a caveman who tried to dig his cave deeper by headbutting walls. Some muscles that blow up to ridiculously huge sizes without me really working them, while others refused to grow even when I beat the hell out of them regularly.
Then one day, I realized it was never going to happen. I would not get that dream because I don't have the potential to build that dream. No amount of lifting can fix ugly. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I legitimately almost killed myself over it. The gun was loaded and against my temple. My reasoning was "I'm not going to get the only thing I actually want. My life will be 3 or 4 more decades of being an office drone, then I'll die. Why not skip a few boring decades?"
Instead, I became more depressed, quit bodybuilding and spent about a year doing nothing but working, and smoking pot in my down time. Pot would numb me out, so I didn't have to think about myself or my body. I wasn't concerned with anything but snacks and Netflix and that was fucking great. If I caught sight of myself in a mirror I'd immediately want to die. So I avoided reflective surfaces at all costs.
After a year of smoking, my capacity to give a shit was crippled. 80% of the bite is gone. I was not hot before. I am not hot now. I will never be hot. I sometimes still get jealous of attractive people. Especially the ones who complain about unwanted attention. Those people are the biggest, most obnoxious, most entitled assholes, and they're incapable of seeing it.
I focus all the thought and energy I used to have towards bodybuilding and all that desire to be hot into studying math. Math keeps me so busy that I can't think about how much I hate myself and my brain won't gravitate towards fantasies my body can't build for it.