at a young age i always knew bengalis were treated differently, the lowest of the low when it came to desirability. curries in general, least wanted, least respected. it was confirmed early on when i stumbled across those “what race would you rather not date” videos, south asians always at the bottom, always the last choice. that stuck with me. i tried back in elementary school to fit in, to make friends, but the reality slapped me in the face early. one memory i can’t forget is this art assignment we had. we were supposed to draw someone else in class, then hand it back to the person we drew. everyone was laughing, exchanging their drawings, while i just sat there empty handed. no one drew me. not a single person. that’s when i knew i was fucked, even as a little kid. and i knew why too, it wasn’t because of something i did, it was because of what i was. there were days i’d cry in the bathroom, silently asking why i had no one. but deep down i knew why, why would anyone want to give a chance to someone like me?
it’s human nature, biology, to avoid the undesirable. curries aren’t seen as individuals, they’re lumped together with all the stereotypes, the street shitter, the scammer, the weirdo, the smelly one. you can’t escape it. everything we do gets filtered through that lens. i had no chance, no one, nothing. then high school came. i thought maybe things would change, but of course they didn’t. four years wasted, trying, failing, giving up. no friends, no socials, just the same cycle of loneliness. every day crying, wondering why i couldn’t just be like everyone else, why i had to be cursed with this height, this ethnicity, this reality. graduation rolled around, and i didn’t even want to go, but i was forced to. parents questioning why the photos were just me, no one beside me, no memories captured with others. i didn’t even pick up the yearbook, why would i? i wish i had friends, i wish someone enjoyed my presence, i wish i had affection, i wish i had love. but wishes mean nothing when you’re genetic trash like me. i know i don’t deserve it, not with what i was born as. i’ve lived with that reality my whole life, and it never stops aching.
it’s human nature, biology, to avoid the undesirable. curries aren’t seen as individuals, they’re lumped together with all the stereotypes, the street shitter, the scammer, the weirdo, the smelly one. you can’t escape it. everything we do gets filtered through that lens. i had no chance, no one, nothing. then high school came. i thought maybe things would change, but of course they didn’t. four years wasted, trying, failing, giving up. no friends, no socials, just the same cycle of loneliness. every day crying, wondering why i couldn’t just be like everyone else, why i had to be cursed with this height, this ethnicity, this reality. graduation rolled around, and i didn’t even want to go, but i was forced to. parents questioning why the photos were just me, no one beside me, no memories captured with others. i didn’t even pick up the yearbook, why would i? i wish i had friends, i wish someone enjoyed my presence, i wish i had affection, i wish i had love. but wishes mean nothing when you’re genetic trash like me. i know i don’t deserve it, not with what i was born as. i’ve lived with that reality my whole life, and it never stops aching.
