I've been pretty miserable for the last 6 years of my chud life. I was angry about my laziness, being overweight, social phobia, and other things. I started to try to work on those things in 2020. I began exercising regularly, went to college for a short while, and tried many forms of different thinking, pills, philosophy, but I never got out of the state I was in. I was still deeply insecure even at my healthiest, and "normiest." I struggled talking to people and making friends, especially with women. I lost all my old friends pre-covid because I was starting to not enjoy talking with people. It wasn't like a happy decision or anything. I just went for the most comfortable route which was to avoid speaking to people, including family, because it would spike my cortisol. That was all 2021. 5 years later and I gained all the weight back and lost my job, lost family, and have fallen back to that familiar hole that I first felt in 2020. It's embarrassing how weak willed I am. I don't play games, so I don't just waste the day doing that. I literally just lay in bed 24/7 and tell myself, "Tomorrow is the day I'll change for the better." It's retarded that I'm this lazy. When I was at my job I was actually a pretty good wage-slaver. I did good and didn't struggle with laziness. I actually got compliments from my managers, co-workers, and people were nice to me. It's like all of this is just self-inflicted, probable autism, I don't know? I don't want to be autistic because I don't want to be on meds. It just angers me that I've promised myself realistic and patient ways to change for the better, but something bad always happens which knocks me off the trail. I hope all of you are well, thanks for reading my retarded story.
