Today i drank alcohol for the first time after someone proposed some to me for no reason i told myself that maybe alcohol will change how i behave and my personality overall and maybe for once i will not be the anti-social looser i am, and drank half the bottle i quickly felt the effect and started to disconect from the sad reality im trapped in talking to girls that i wouldnt even look in the eyes (i got rejected pretty obviously) im too much a pussy to actually be honest with someone or myself even one time in my life,i wanted to be someone different only for one hour just to see what it feel like to be normal and act like every other person my age, but now im alone in my room silent only disturbed by the sound of my fan who reminds me that time is ticking and now that the alcohol stop doing its things i feel like shit.
I just want to end it and maybe i will stop feeling like shit but i dont want to kill myself with a shotgun like matheus did with blood squirting everywhere and his family crying and screaming i want to die like i lived in the indifference of everyone i dont want anyone to know i disapeared because they didnt even knew i existed i dont want fake people to go to my grave for a week then never again.
Writing the last sentence i also realized that i cant trust my own brain he is coping and want an "honorable" and "sacred" death why do i care ? i will be dead anyway the same goes with me seeking attention even in my own death i dont care about how people will treat me they can even destroy my tomb idc
I just want to end it and maybe i will stop feeling like shit but i dont want to kill myself with a shotgun like matheus did with blood squirting everywhere and his family crying and screaming i want to die like i lived in the indifference of everyone i dont want anyone to know i disapeared because they didnt even knew i existed i dont want fake people to go to my grave for a week then never again.
Writing the last sentence i also realized that i cant trust my own brain he is coping and want an "honorable" and "sacred" death why do i care ? i will be dead anyway the same goes with me seeking attention even in my own death i dont care about how people will treat me they can even destroy my tomb idc
