I've been thinking…
Recently I've had a bit of a “debate” with an athiest… well, I wouldn't call it that, but it doesn't matter, the one thing he's got me thinking about is the question on “what has God to offer him”. If it were about a year ago, I'd go out of my way to try and convince him, and explaining endlessly what God has to offer him, but since that one event when I got demolished by a group of athiests, well… I honestly can no longer look at humanity the same again.
I no longer have any incentive to prove anything to anyone anymore, since people have proven to be all the same. Time and again, starting from the days of my birth, I've had to deal with the worst, being treated as the black sheep of the family. I gave them all many chances. I tried my best to please them, but in the end, they always find a way to find fault in me, no matter how much I try to prove them wrong. School is hardly any different, being that I was never invited to parties and so on; I was unable to fit in, though admittedly, I was a strange kid, and I'd be nothing but an embarrassment. Nevertheless, they treated me different, and it became more obvious during my high-school years. I remember how it was back when I had to do PE, and because I was in special-ed, these normal peers were only “kind” to me out of pity, but soon as I got into regular Ed, they all either treated me as though I never really even existed, or at worst, bullied me, and it was about the same when I worked at Walmart.
With my experience with trying to date or have relationships; either I would get ghosted, rejected, or when I did have “relationships”, they turned out to be scams which costed me money and time which I can never get back. But that was all I had at the time, and seeing how I was, it would have never would have worked out if I did have a real one. But at this point, when I think about that reddit situation, when I think about all I've been though with these people, and how little people, even my closest "friends", care about me, when I was down, and was left to my own devices to pick myself up, piece by bloody piece, ALONE, I thought of a counter-question to the athiest.
He asks, what God has to offer him, but I ask, “what has this world and its people to offer me?”, being that my life has been but a free trial version of an XBOX game in which I'm too broke to afford to get the full version, or one big inside joke that everyone's in on except me”.
There's nothing here for me! And if this is how it's going to be, then why should I care anymore? And to think I envied these people with their milestones, and the love and acceptance they've received from others. I'm sorry, but I'm done hearing empty promises how something good will come my way; it's meaningless anyway! I don't need or want it anymore! I can walk alone, since I've been doing that myself, and even if I can't, even though I've disposed all my suicide methods, I still have a means to do myself in if I really wanted to, and though it's “in BETA”, I'm confident in my ability to make it work. That being said, I wonder what's stopping me. I know it's got nothing to do with my fear of death or hell, since I know that I'm saved by the blood of Christ. And I know I can overcome any obstacle if I set my mind to it, even though it's going to be hard to accomplish living with my stepdad and his parents, and sharing the same room with my stepdad.
I guess it doesn't matter. I've decided that if the world won't accept me and all that, then perhaps I'll give them what they want. I won't waste my time and energy in crashing out on them, and after all, I hate hurting people, even if they DO deserve it, but I'll stop trying to help them. I'll just “disappear” from the face of the earth, and should they see me and try to engage with me, I'll be somewhere else.
Only those who show promise, that I know for certain they're worth my time and energy, will they see me, otherwise, until further notice, I might as well say "goodbye".
May God take me home if He wills it, because I don't see there's anything in the world for me.
Recently I've had a bit of a “debate” with an athiest… well, I wouldn't call it that, but it doesn't matter, the one thing he's got me thinking about is the question on “what has God to offer him”. If it were about a year ago, I'd go out of my way to try and convince him, and explaining endlessly what God has to offer him, but since that one event when I got demolished by a group of athiests, well… I honestly can no longer look at humanity the same again.
I no longer have any incentive to prove anything to anyone anymore, since people have proven to be all the same. Time and again, starting from the days of my birth, I've had to deal with the worst, being treated as the black sheep of the family. I gave them all many chances. I tried my best to please them, but in the end, they always find a way to find fault in me, no matter how much I try to prove them wrong. School is hardly any different, being that I was never invited to parties and so on; I was unable to fit in, though admittedly, I was a strange kid, and I'd be nothing but an embarrassment. Nevertheless, they treated me different, and it became more obvious during my high-school years. I remember how it was back when I had to do PE, and because I was in special-ed, these normal peers were only “kind” to me out of pity, but soon as I got into regular Ed, they all either treated me as though I never really even existed, or at worst, bullied me, and it was about the same when I worked at Walmart.
With my experience with trying to date or have relationships; either I would get ghosted, rejected, or when I did have “relationships”, they turned out to be scams which costed me money and time which I can never get back. But that was all I had at the time, and seeing how I was, it would have never would have worked out if I did have a real one. But at this point, when I think about that reddit situation, when I think about all I've been though with these people, and how little people, even my closest "friends", care about me, when I was down, and was left to my own devices to pick myself up, piece by bloody piece, ALONE, I thought of a counter-question to the athiest.
He asks, what God has to offer him, but I ask, “what has this world and its people to offer me?”, being that my life has been but a free trial version of an XBOX game in which I'm too broke to afford to get the full version, or one big inside joke that everyone's in on except me”.
There's nothing here for me! And if this is how it's going to be, then why should I care anymore? And to think I envied these people with their milestones, and the love and acceptance they've received from others. I'm sorry, but I'm done hearing empty promises how something good will come my way; it's meaningless anyway! I don't need or want it anymore! I can walk alone, since I've been doing that myself, and even if I can't, even though I've disposed all my suicide methods, I still have a means to do myself in if I really wanted to, and though it's “in BETA”, I'm confident in my ability to make it work. That being said, I wonder what's stopping me. I know it's got nothing to do with my fear of death or hell, since I know that I'm saved by the blood of Christ. And I know I can overcome any obstacle if I set my mind to it, even though it's going to be hard to accomplish living with my stepdad and his parents, and sharing the same room with my stepdad.
I guess it doesn't matter. I've decided that if the world won't accept me and all that, then perhaps I'll give them what they want. I won't waste my time and energy in crashing out on them, and after all, I hate hurting people, even if they DO deserve it, but I'll stop trying to help them. I'll just “disappear” from the face of the earth, and should they see me and try to engage with me, I'll be somewhere else.
Only those who show promise, that I know for certain they're worth my time and energy, will they see me, otherwise, until further notice, I might as well say "goodbye".
May God take me home if He wills it, because I don't see there's anything in the world for me.
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