The incel community has been what made me aware of how the world works. When I was just a 14yo kid, I began identifying as an incel, not very aware about the blackpill or anything, a feminist called me that online and I just said "Oh, yeah, I AM an incel" internally and began interacting with you all. And I couldn't thank you more for it, I never knew why I was 'different', I was not autistic, I was made into being shy, yes, but still felt normal internally, even if the world told me otherwise. But it was you guys, that came over and told me "Dumbass, you are ugly, that's it," and let me see who my torturer was, which at least meant I was not responsible for my suffering.
As the years passed, I realized many things about life. I was not the genius I thought I was as an early teen; I was not destined for greatness, and I am not meant to be a success story. I am just a poor devil with no skills, no good looks, no will to live, no friends, and no redeeming qualities. Many of those, I wouldn't have realized until way later because of my large ego. Even then, I told myself I was a struggler, that I would claw my way out of the mud with sheer claw and determination. This would be a good idea if it depended on me. I am dumb by nature, I am a very unintelligent person. I was simply in a very small pond. My looks? I am on an incel forum ffs... I can't take on a task for more than a day before burning out and throwing it out the window. I am incredibly ashamed of who I am and feel like people will make fun of me for my likes or if I behave how I want to.
I am 19 now, almost 20, and having to come to terms with the fact that I'm not as young anymore, the potential of what I could be was a failed speculation, that I was not just in a phase, that life sucks and I am expected to put up with it with a smile in my face, that I'll die alone because of something out of my control.
I used to be a defender of youngcels being truecels, and still am, but now I think I better understand why some aren't. The suffering of a incel proper is way more intense than that of a youngcel, and while I am not the kind of person that people's suffering is less important just because my own is worse, all I can do is tell people who are younger than me to brace up. And this is just the beginning, 21 will be another hard wall and it's less than two years in distance, then 25, and god forbid 30... And it will all be the same.
I just don't want to be alive anymore. I wish I wasn't me. I wish I was able to be loved. I wish I was happy.
I know there's a small but possible chance that the blackpill is not true, that maybe if I tried for the 343546565457767th time... And that won't even let me rest on my deathbed. And if I gave up on having hope, I'd not know how to be live. But it is hope that tortures me, that blackpill only wants my death, but hope forces it to torture me before...
I am not in control. My soul is tired and carries on out of pure fear of death. I've been born dead, not because I have no pulse, but because I don't have a choice on how I live. And there's nothing I can't do but lay down as my life burns, and hope the fire is quick to take me out for a good time.
As the years passed, I realized many things about life. I was not the genius I thought I was as an early teen; I was not destined for greatness, and I am not meant to be a success story. I am just a poor devil with no skills, no good looks, no will to live, no friends, and no redeeming qualities. Many of those, I wouldn't have realized until way later because of my large ego. Even then, I told myself I was a struggler, that I would claw my way out of the mud with sheer claw and determination. This would be a good idea if it depended on me. I am dumb by nature, I am a very unintelligent person. I was simply in a very small pond. My looks? I am on an incel forum ffs... I can't take on a task for more than a day before burning out and throwing it out the window. I am incredibly ashamed of who I am and feel like people will make fun of me for my likes or if I behave how I want to.
I am 19 now, almost 20, and having to come to terms with the fact that I'm not as young anymore, the potential of what I could be was a failed speculation, that I was not just in a phase, that life sucks and I am expected to put up with it with a smile in my face, that I'll die alone because of something out of my control.
I used to be a defender of youngcels being truecels, and still am, but now I think I better understand why some aren't. The suffering of a incel proper is way more intense than that of a youngcel, and while I am not the kind of person that people's suffering is less important just because my own is worse, all I can do is tell people who are younger than me to brace up. And this is just the beginning, 21 will be another hard wall and it's less than two years in distance, then 25, and god forbid 30... And it will all be the same.
I just don't want to be alive anymore. I wish I wasn't me. I wish I was able to be loved. I wish I was happy.
I know there's a small but possible chance that the blackpill is not true, that maybe if I tried for the 343546565457767th time... And that won't even let me rest on my deathbed. And if I gave up on having hope, I'd not know how to be live. But it is hope that tortures me, that blackpill only wants my death, but hope forces it to torture me before...
I am not in control. My soul is tired and carries on out of pure fear of death. I've been born dead, not because I have no pulse, but because I don't have a choice on how I live. And there's nothing I can't do but lay down as my life burns, and hope the fire is quick to take me out for a good time.
