Venting The pain is getting unbearable and i dont know how much longer i can take it

[zangano1]

It happens to me too boyocel

 

[Stupid Clown]

My daily mental pain and depression, as well as terrible loneliness, are becoming unbearable. So, to begin, I am 17 years old and will be 18 in a few months. Since April 2021, my parents have taken my computer, which I paid for in full, since they believe I am addicted and that the computer is the only form of social contact that I have with my online pals. I was obsessed because it was my only source of human contact aside from my parents and siblings. I'm utterly isolated; the only time I leave the house is for orthodontist appointments, which occur every four months. I'm not joking; my appointment tomorrow will mark four months of not leaving the house. When you are isolated for an extended period of time, you begin to lose your mind. This is how I've been living. After a heated argument with my parents, I went down stairs back to my basement and I started to feel dizzy and my vision became blurry and my right ear started to ring and I passed out. I woke up about 30 seconds to a minute later and I was tripped the fuck out and it took me 5 minutes to remember what happened to me. And, as a result of my mother's rejection of my brother's autism, she and my father have become quite mentally abusive. My little brother understands social cues, he understands my commands, and he understands most things if the autism spectrum was a scale of 1 to 5, he often repeats himself when he talks, like 2-3 times when he talks, and he always runs around the house screaming, which makes no sense because I never did any of that as a kid, and he can't sit still for long periods of time without fidgeting and moaning. I used to imagine being in the anime and my waifus loved me no joke i used to hug my weighted blanked and pretend that was one of my waifus from my harem that loved me and cared for me but now I can't find anything to watch so I pretty much stopped watching anime completely. Last year, when my father drove me to take my SAT exam, he got me up about 6 a.m. and dropped me off on the other side of town.The area of the school which the test took place in was very dangerous there were alot of homeless people and shit a couple of them looked at me while i was waiting for them to open the door alot of homeless people were walking by and looking at me at around 7:30 is when most people started showing up this caused me extreme anxitey and i was looking at the ground and fidgeting i made the retarded mistake of looking up and i made eye contact with this group of four girls by accident i quickly looked down but i knew the damage was done one of the girls said wtf eww you look so fucking creepy and her freind chime in and said your so fucking ugly and she also said i looked like a pedo at that point everybody started looking at me and there was alot of sparse laughter in the crowd and someone started randomly filming me i quickly looked down and pretended to play it off but in reality i was dying inside about a minute later a teacher from inside the school and heard the commotion and told everbody to knock it off and to come inside so they could sign us in to take our test so i went inside tearing up looking down quickly went into the line and when it was my turn i gave the staff my id and i got checked in and went inside due to all the stressed i completely bombed the test after the test i was very sad and cried in the bathroom i sat outside and called my mom to tell her to pick me up since i was done with the test it took her two hours to pick me up after an hour everybody who was waiting was gone so i was sitting outside when i saw these two 6 foot 4 to 6 foot 5 black guys exit the school and right as the exited there freind and another guy in the car pulled up to pick them up because the guys in the car were blasting music i glanced over at the car and i looked back down and was using my phone and as i was using my phone they came back and said fuck you nigga and threw a gatorade bottle and my face and started laughing at me at that point i broke down crying as i was waiting for my mom. I forgot to mention it earlier in this piece, but I am attending online school and have paid someone on Reddit to perform all of my homework for me, so I have had no contact outside of my immediate family. My only coping mechanisms rn are islam and daydreaming. What's strange about my parents is that they didn't really teach me about islam other than putting me in islamic school for a year when I was 8 before we moved states. After that, they got my older brother an islamic teacher who taught him how to pray and stuff for about two years until he got into an argument with someone in my old neighborhood and after that we started to have problems. Most of what I learnt about Islam came through YouTube videos that I viewed on my own, and this is how I learned about most of the prophets and other important figures. Since the age of nine, a lot of paranormal stuff has happened to me. I don't want to go into too much detail because this post is very long, but I'll make a separate thread about it later. If you saw the shit I've seen, you'd lose your fucking mind from legitimate fear, and I constantly feel extreme paranoia as a result. And to top it all off im subhuman so much so to the point where i havent looked in the mirror for the last three months i cant deal with the pain anymore of looking in the mirror and seeing a subhuman and no matter what i do nothing will ever change it this haunts me constantly and makes extremely depressed every fucking day is the same for me the same shit over and over again wishing i was someone else my stress levels are so high to the point where my hair is legimantly falling out even if my hair brushes lightly against any surface you will see hair i and the reason for this is my extremely bad vitamin d deficiency since i dont even go outside to my backyard i havent been out in the sunglight for about two months and it was only for like 15 mins when i was watching my little brother outside in the backyard when he was playing i also devolped extreme knee pain whenever i bend down you will hear my knees crack and i feel extreme pain from them or they will randomly ache about a year ago i became so depressed i stopped brushing my teeth as a result i had 6 cavities and i had a really bad cavity on my right molar to the point that theres a hole there now and my left molar is slightly chipped but not nearly as bad. I'm bored, angry, and miserable, and I'm always ranting to myself, breaking down, and crying. The only thing that makes me happy is Dbdr the blackpill youtuber. I know a lot of people on here think he's a fake cel, which I understand because he does seem a little strange, but I still believe him. I've watched all of his videos like 100 times and I constantly check both of his channels to see if he's uploaded. He's funny and relatable, and he's the only thing that makes me happy. And if the wording sounds abit weird i used fluency on quill bot to make my self more clear and to fix the grammar issues and stuff and all of this is in Minecraft.

Brutal.