In the past, I could say about last year, my thoughts of suicide were like the typical ones most people have, there's this sense of panic and urgency, you just want to die now, almost like a panic attack, you're just so tired of everything and you spend hours just wanting to end it all whilst supplying yourself with excuses not to
I've noticed as of recently, I've reached likely an even more dangerous phase in my depression, it feels good, the thought of being dead calms me, makes me feel at peace. I can say without a doubt, the most enjoyable moments of my current existence, are the moments when I lie in bed just before I fall asleep, because those are the moments closest to death, I can just feel the peace of not having to worry about anything anymore, no more stress, no more rage, no more thinking about lacking the feeling of a satisfactory revenge, just nothingness, and the peace that comes with it
The thought of being dead has becoming all to calming, I have pretty good reflexes, yet if I saw a car speeding towards me about to kill me in an accident, I don't think I would bother putting the effort in to move out of the way, I would be thinking I'm being handed my escape on a silver platter, wouldn't this be God answering my prayers (if he exists)
Can I see myself committing suicide anytime soon, no, but that's because I have certain goals I'm aiming for, but these goals are pretty much immediate, a few months are the truly deadline to make it happen, if I am successful I will be alright, but if I can't make these things happen then I don't know whats next for me, I spend hours self analyzing and I'm pretty sure the only thing keeping my psyche intact right now is the possibility of success in these goals, but should these things fall apart I don't even know what I'd do
Lets say tonight my house for some reason catches fire, my computer gets caught in the fire, all my work destroyed, or some other extreme thing, in such a reality I don't even know what I would do, I would likely just give up on a regular existence completely and start pursuing a life of crime. I have a probable though mostly unlikely "connect" to someone who is involved in crimes of the tech/computer nature and I could seek them out to become their protegee, and build my criminal career around that. TBH I've been considering that route even now as my life is somewhat together, because my current existence seems more and more pointless each day
Anybody else ever notice that its not criminals who are the crazy ones, but everyone else, criminals live their lives based on the laws of nature, its modern human society that is unnatural not them. I've always felt like this game were all trapped in is rigged, and that's why failing inside of this game is so frustrating, because you know its rigged, and that if you were allowed to play by the actual rules of this reality, not the forced artificial ones, you'd likely be successful
Some of us just aren't cut out for this worlds ridiculous artificial rules, and yet society forces us to play within a ridiculous narrow set of rules. I'm likely autistic, I have observed myself exhibiting various sociopathic traits, which somewhat helps me socialize a bit, but in a lot of instances it seems artificial because I have to keep learning and incorporating new knowledge of social norms into my "protocol" of interacting with people, it feels like this annoying endless learning process. I have basically no empathy so it makes interacting and conversing with people even more annoying. Someone brings up some baby pictures or starts talking about children and I have to observe everyones reactions and quickly decide which one is appropriate for me as a man to make, "too feminine" and i'll come off as weird, "to masculine" and i'll come off as uncaring, I usually just try and avoid situations like that.
After many years of introspection I've realized what is the core reason for my suicidal thoughts, why I'm tired of existing, and its because existence in modern times is a chore for people like me, in the past we could just do what we do best, we'd be great hunters, great leaders even, because it takes a certain level of heartlessness in a leader to make cruel decisions for the betterment of his subordinates and his people. There are no such roles anymore to be filled in these "peaceful times".
I would make a great mercenary, killer for hire, etc, can't do that shit in these times, I don't care about talking to people, learning about their lives, I just want to be left alone for the most part and find something to do with my time where everything isn't some test or something new I have to adapt to, some new social cue I have to learn to look for. Work has even become bothersome to me now, because its filled with that shit, people won't even just leave you alone, you go sit by yourself with your headphones to watch youtube or something and normies come over to ask you why you didn't sit with them and that its what you have to do to "get to know people". I don't care to know these people, why do normies all think they are so interesting that knowing about their various lives and personalities would be so interesting.I spend most of my time thinking and contemplating things already, things that haven't even begun to enter their minds, thoughts they'll only begin to contemplate when they've reached their 60's and they'll think themselves wise now and ironically talk down to those younger than themselves.
I've had deeper and more interesting conversations with myself than I could even have with 10 or even 20 normies in a room, because at the end of the day, they are all the same, I went and sat with them once, its the same shit, I felt so out of place and could not relate to anything they were talking about, because everything they were talking about was mundane, nothing that was actually interesting, normies don't discuss philosophy, they don't discuss politics deeply, they don't have deep existential discussions, they can only talk about "trending events" with some jokes thrown in, that is every normie conversation summarized.
Anyways, good luck out there guys
I've noticed as of recently, I've reached likely an even more dangerous phase in my depression, it feels good, the thought of being dead calms me, makes me feel at peace. I can say without a doubt, the most enjoyable moments of my current existence, are the moments when I lie in bed just before I fall asleep, because those are the moments closest to death, I can just feel the peace of not having to worry about anything anymore, no more stress, no more rage, no more thinking about lacking the feeling of a satisfactory revenge, just nothingness, and the peace that comes with it
The thought of being dead has becoming all to calming, I have pretty good reflexes, yet if I saw a car speeding towards me about to kill me in an accident, I don't think I would bother putting the effort in to move out of the way, I would be thinking I'm being handed my escape on a silver platter, wouldn't this be God answering my prayers (if he exists)
Can I see myself committing suicide anytime soon, no, but that's because I have certain goals I'm aiming for, but these goals are pretty much immediate, a few months are the truly deadline to make it happen, if I am successful I will be alright, but if I can't make these things happen then I don't know whats next for me, I spend hours self analyzing and I'm pretty sure the only thing keeping my psyche intact right now is the possibility of success in these goals, but should these things fall apart I don't even know what I'd do
Lets say tonight my house for some reason catches fire, my computer gets caught in the fire, all my work destroyed, or some other extreme thing, in such a reality I don't even know what I would do, I would likely just give up on a regular existence completely and start pursuing a life of crime. I have a probable though mostly unlikely "connect" to someone who is involved in crimes of the tech/computer nature and I could seek them out to become their protegee, and build my criminal career around that. TBH I've been considering that route even now as my life is somewhat together, because my current existence seems more and more pointless each day
Anybody else ever notice that its not criminals who are the crazy ones, but everyone else, criminals live their lives based on the laws of nature, its modern human society that is unnatural not them. I've always felt like this game were all trapped in is rigged, and that's why failing inside of this game is so frustrating, because you know its rigged, and that if you were allowed to play by the actual rules of this reality, not the forced artificial ones, you'd likely be successful
Some of us just aren't cut out for this worlds ridiculous artificial rules, and yet society forces us to play within a ridiculous narrow set of rules. I'm likely autistic, I have observed myself exhibiting various sociopathic traits, which somewhat helps me socialize a bit, but in a lot of instances it seems artificial because I have to keep learning and incorporating new knowledge of social norms into my "protocol" of interacting with people, it feels like this annoying endless learning process. I have basically no empathy so it makes interacting and conversing with people even more annoying. Someone brings up some baby pictures or starts talking about children and I have to observe everyones reactions and quickly decide which one is appropriate for me as a man to make, "too feminine" and i'll come off as weird, "to masculine" and i'll come off as uncaring, I usually just try and avoid situations like that.
After many years of introspection I've realized what is the core reason for my suicidal thoughts, why I'm tired of existing, and its because existence in modern times is a chore for people like me, in the past we could just do what we do best, we'd be great hunters, great leaders even, because it takes a certain level of heartlessness in a leader to make cruel decisions for the betterment of his subordinates and his people. There are no such roles anymore to be filled in these "peaceful times".
I would make a great mercenary, killer for hire, etc, can't do that shit in these times, I don't care about talking to people, learning about their lives, I just want to be left alone for the most part and find something to do with my time where everything isn't some test or something new I have to adapt to, some new social cue I have to learn to look for. Work has even become bothersome to me now, because its filled with that shit, people won't even just leave you alone, you go sit by yourself with your headphones to watch youtube or something and normies come over to ask you why you didn't sit with them and that its what you have to do to "get to know people". I don't care to know these people, why do normies all think they are so interesting that knowing about their various lives and personalities would be so interesting.I spend most of my time thinking and contemplating things already, things that haven't even begun to enter their minds, thoughts they'll only begin to contemplate when they've reached their 60's and they'll think themselves wise now and ironically talk down to those younger than themselves.
I've had deeper and more interesting conversations with myself than I could even have with 10 or even 20 normies in a room, because at the end of the day, they are all the same, I went and sat with them once, its the same shit, I felt so out of place and could not relate to anything they were talking about, because everything they were talking about was mundane, nothing that was actually interesting, normies don't discuss philosophy, they don't discuss politics deeply, they don't have deep existential discussions, they can only talk about "trending events" with some jokes thrown in, that is every normie conversation summarized.
Anyways, good luck out there guys
