I went into the field with my dog to practice walkmaxing. I felt horrible about myself for a long time, and going out with my dog made it slightly better. I made sure, not to perform it too much so that my dog won't be too tired because of me, but it didn't help as any moment I felt well I immediately thought that I spent too much time in the field and brought pain to my dog. The only ever-lasting feeling I had was that burning flurry of sadness in my chest. So, the art of performing the task of walking with my dog alone served as a cope.
It was noon, it was warm with a chilly breeze blowing against me. As a depressed person, I had to think about why I'm lucky in such insignificant moments, and not anywhere else.
Mosquitos started to bite me as I was returning home, I of course slapped the shit out of them. Their presence has sparked a thought in my mind.
I extended my hand, and let one of them suck some blood out of me. It sucked and sucked and eventually stopped. However, the harm I allowed to be done to me, even if it was nothing, but a short-lived stab, liberated my mind from the melancholy that had total control over me. I enjoyed it. Then came the itching, it was potent as hell, and whenever I scratched myself to just feel relieved, I managed to separate myself from all negativity for a second.
Since then, I did this many times over. I know this is dangerous, as at one point it may lead me to self-harm or accidental suicide (not like I didn't think about it) but also I don't care.
Point being: The moment where physical pain disappears, is the moment of relief from any sort of agony, and this moment, this second or less even, is when I feel healthy. It shouldn't be like that guys.
It was noon, it was warm with a chilly breeze blowing against me. As a depressed person, I had to think about why I'm lucky in such insignificant moments, and not anywhere else.
Mosquitos started to bite me as I was returning home, I of course slapped the shit out of them. Their presence has sparked a thought in my mind.
I extended my hand, and let one of them suck some blood out of me. It sucked and sucked and eventually stopped. However, the harm I allowed to be done to me, even if it was nothing, but a short-lived stab, liberated my mind from the melancholy that had total control over me. I enjoyed it. Then came the itching, it was potent as hell, and whenever I scratched myself to just feel relieved, I managed to separate myself from all negativity for a second.
Since then, I did this many times over. I know this is dangerous, as at one point it may lead me to self-harm or accidental suicide (not like I didn't think about it) but also I don't care.
Point being: The moment where physical pain disappears, is the moment of relief from any sort of agony, and this moment, this second or less even, is when I feel healthy. It shouldn't be like that guys.
