The word "incel" has become basically a way for people to belittle and shit on others.
Oh, you're getting frustrated because you haven't been able to get a girlfriend in 3 years? Wow, what an incel, thinking that women owe you affection, I bet you get mad when a woman doesn't suck your dick for holding the door for her.
It's ridiculous. The idea of making a derogatory term and then using it as a weapon to add insult to injury is just ugly, disgusting behavior. But you may say, "but incels hate women, their behavior justifies the treatment they receive!" First off, I don't know where people get off deciding for themselves what others deserve, as if they themselves are the judge, jury, and executioner. Secondly, an "incel" is not someone who hates women. We did not have to make a new word for that, we already had one: misogynist. A misogynist is someone who hates women. Some frustrated young guy who is bitter and discouraged about not being about to find love and affection may be "involuntarily celibate," but that doesn't automatically make him a misogynist. That's such a bad case of black-and-white thinking, not everything has to be adversarial. Most of these people don't hate women, they hate that they can't seem to have any luck with women. But it isn't an us-versus-them situation, these people only appear to be enemies because of the swift and harsh label given to every young (and old I guess) man who is sexually/romantically frustrated. It isn't fair at all, and for most of these people who already feel rejected and low and unlovable, this kind of treatment and harsh labeling is just kicking them while they're down. As OP said, it's no surprise these men commit suicide in droves, they feel worthless and society repeatedly and continuously tells them they are.
And the advice people will try to give an "incel" is just completely moronic and braindead, and it's so easy to say when you're typing anonymously over the internet while you're laying on the couch cuddled up with your gf/bf watching a movie. "Just be confident! Looks/height/weight don't matter! Learn to love yourself and be happy with yourself and you'll find someone in time!" Or the not-so-kind rebukes such as "Women don't owe you anything, stop being such a whiny bitch and do something about it, go out and get a girlfriend if you want one so bad! Stop complaining, this is your own fault. If no one wants to be with you, there's probably a really good reason for that."
The former is not based in reality at all, and the latter is just a gut-punch to an already dejected person, dismissive of their problems entirely. It's a sad cyclical situation, where some real obstacle (height, weight, looks, social status, economic status, emotional baggage from past experiences, etc) is legitimately impacting a person's ability to obtain sex/romance, and OF COURSE that's frustrating, discouraging, and depressing. Their self image, self worth, motivation, attitude, behavior, confidence, etc are taking major hits, which ends up making them even less attractive and appealing to others. It's a vicious cycle that, after so long, a person can't just will themselves out of. Then what? You can't just be happy with yourself, be happy alone, be content and unfrustrated with your situation. And as little power as you had to prevent yourself from reaching this point, you have even less to get out of it. You can't just go out and get a gf (you wouldn't be in this situation if you could), you can't get get more confident. All the criticism against being frustrated and feeling resentful doesn't do anything to address the problem, your reality doesn't change, the problem still remain that your sex/love life is nonexistent. Critics just want to stop hearing about it because they don't care, and things were likely much easier for them so they don't understand how it feels to have little to no options.
That's the crux of this whole thing: options. How the hell is a person supposed to feel/act when they have no options (or think they don't anyway, which is still consequentially identical to not having any)? Its just so much easier to dismiss and belittle these complaints and inequalities than it is to sympathize, especially if you already have a bf/gf and had an easy time getting him/her. In a way, many people would probably rather there be haves and have-nots like this in the dating world, because that means less competition, and the perceived scarcity for these have-nots probably makes sex and romance feel all the more valuable for the haves.
So in so many words, I agree with you. We should not be alienating and hating people whose continued rejection and frustration are having real significant impacts on their mental, social, emotional, and physical health. That just seems like nothing short of bullying. I think we should do away with the term "incel" altogether, because people are either misogynists or they aren't, and there are plenty of sexually frustrated, depressed, bitter people that fall into the "not misogynists" camp and get unfairly labeled and treated.
Edit: thanks for the gold!
