Forgive me if i come off a little retarded (I am), I've known about inceldom since highschool and never got much deeper into it than the surface level. But now it's become impossible to ignore that I am also a total loser and have been in denial. For a while i even called myself a volcel unironically, but that cope doesn't do anything for me anymore. I have to be honest with myself. I'm just gonna rant about bullshit to distract myself from wanting to die this badly.
I'm 24 and have hugged a girl one time. I was 16 and she was one of my only female friends I've ever had. She was a total nerd and that made her feel eay more real than the Stacey vapid bitches who only cared about Instagram likes. We played D&D in a group with the few other weirdos i associated with back then and it was great. She was probably the most engaged player and made the sessions actually memorable. I'm a shitty DM but nobody cared, we just got to detach from shitty normie reality for a while and have some fun. One day she was really stressed and upset because of some assignment at school. She was getting overwhelmed and I decided to just... hold my arms out and see if she would hug me, it was my first instinct. And she did. And it feels like my life has gone downhill since that moment.
I lost touch with her a few years ago, we last talked on Discord around my birthday. The real nail in the coffin was discovering she had gotten a boyfriend... online, from Turkey. Finding this out did a number on me, I can't lie. I had a crush on her that I tried to hide and not confront because I have no self confidence or real redeemable qualities, and she can just get a boyfriend online just like that. A guy from another entire fucking country mogged me when I personally knew this girl for years. I place a lot of the blame on myself, I'm a very easily friendzonable pussy. There's no real reason she should have been interested in me. But it still hurt. And it felt a little like betrayal. She's a shy, shut-in, mid-looking (by social standards, i think she's cute as hell but a lot of dudes probably wouldn't), and a total dork. I saw a lot of myself in her, until she got into a relationship. Then, i could see the difference. She can get a relationship, be happy, have someone. I can't. And I never have. And I really believe that I never will.
I've tried to move on from her and these feelings over the years. Coping only takes you so far, I didn't learn that lesson soon enough. Now, I've been unemployed for going on 2 years. Still live with my parents. Didn't graduate from highschool. I had a job and SOME hope for a future around 2019, then the pandemic completely threw that out of the window for me. I've just accepted that my chud life is going nowhere. These days I just listen to metal, smoke weed to feel any dopamine at alll, and play cancer like League of Legends so that I can project my own inadequacies onto all the other losers who play that game. I really don't know why my parents put up with me, if I had some 20 something guy in my house eating pizza spamming solo queue, I would personally find the nearest gun and solve that problem. Feels like I've never really grown up, all these years later I'm still here, in my childhood home, while my parents argue constantly and I try to drown it out with music/game audio. No GF, no sex, no job, no future, no reason to give a shit about my existence. No value at all. I look in the mirror and just see something worth destroying. I'd say my rate of suicidal ideation has gone from about 5 percent of the time in highschool to about 20 percent now. If I'm not distracting myself, my mind starts wandering to how much of a failure my existence is. I hate coming off as a whiney ingrate or whatever, but I cannot deny what feels so real.
I have a few reasons I haven't killed myself yet. Fear is one. I'm not religious anymore but was brought up Christian, and whenever I've gotten close to becoming an hero, I pussy out and decide eating junk food and playing games is more comfortable. Weirdly, i feel like an even bigger loser for NOT killing myself. I can't even dedicate myself to some tragic end. I feel like being a pathetic leech loser is worse than just killing myself, but here I am. The other main factor is my cat. Out of everything that plagues this shitty dimension we're forced to live in, I genuinely love my cat so much. At this point I feel like I love him more than I ever have loved my parents. He's never subjected me to domestic violence, for one. Just a truly innocent, pure soul. The one area of my life I feel some responsibility for. The time that I got closest to throwing myself off a bridge, I was literally leaning over the railing and I just started picturing my cat waiting by my bed, meowing for me to come back, completely helpless and wondering where I am. My only real sense of self value comes from this cat. I know he isn't just putting up with me to be polite, secretly thinking I'm some weirdo freak. He has no concept of what being weird even is. I wish I was a cat most of the time. I wish I didn't have to feel so inferior to everyone else. I wish everything was as simple as it feels it should be. But it's not, and I don't know how much longer I can take it.
My cat is 10 years old now and I feel utter dread thinking about him passing away. I think I might actually just die with him when it happens, he's the last real friend I have left. I actually feel somewhat indebted to him at the times when I try to think rationally. Nobody else would ever let me grab them and cry until I don't have the energy to feel like killing myself anymore. Even if he can't understand what I'm saying or fully know what I'm feeling, it still matters a lot to me. The thought of anyone hurting him makes me feel so much fucking rage I can't explain it. I don't want to be the one that ends up hurting him. I feel like a complete worthless loser to everyone except him. I feel like I at least owe him enough to stay alive until he's gone, even if I myself want to die. So i guess that's as much as I'll write about it and will now just leave the question open.
Should I become an hero and get it over with, or wait until my cat passes? My last attempt was not very long ago but I pussies out quickly like usual. I'm sure that I'll try again within a few months. The bridge is only a short walk away. I can't hide from how I feel anymore. I'd rather die an honest loser than a dishonest one.
I'm 24 and have hugged a girl one time. I was 16 and she was one of my only female friends I've ever had. She was a total nerd and that made her feel eay more real than the Stacey vapid bitches who only cared about Instagram likes. We played D&D in a group with the few other weirdos i associated with back then and it was great. She was probably the most engaged player and made the sessions actually memorable. I'm a shitty DM but nobody cared, we just got to detach from shitty normie reality for a while and have some fun. One day she was really stressed and upset because of some assignment at school. She was getting overwhelmed and I decided to just... hold my arms out and see if she would hug me, it was my first instinct. And she did. And it feels like my life has gone downhill since that moment.
I lost touch with her a few years ago, we last talked on Discord around my birthday. The real nail in the coffin was discovering she had gotten a boyfriend... online, from Turkey. Finding this out did a number on me, I can't lie. I had a crush on her that I tried to hide and not confront because I have no self confidence or real redeemable qualities, and she can just get a boyfriend online just like that. A guy from another entire fucking country mogged me when I personally knew this girl for years. I place a lot of the blame on myself, I'm a very easily friendzonable pussy. There's no real reason she should have been interested in me. But it still hurt. And it felt a little like betrayal. She's a shy, shut-in, mid-looking (by social standards, i think she's cute as hell but a lot of dudes probably wouldn't), and a total dork. I saw a lot of myself in her, until she got into a relationship. Then, i could see the difference. She can get a relationship, be happy, have someone. I can't. And I never have. And I really believe that I never will.
I've tried to move on from her and these feelings over the years. Coping only takes you so far, I didn't learn that lesson soon enough. Now, I've been unemployed for going on 2 years. Still live with my parents. Didn't graduate from highschool. I had a job and SOME hope for a future around 2019, then the pandemic completely threw that out of the window for me. I've just accepted that my chud life is going nowhere. These days I just listen to metal, smoke weed to feel any dopamine at alll, and play cancer like League of Legends so that I can project my own inadequacies onto all the other losers who play that game. I really don't know why my parents put up with me, if I had some 20 something guy in my house eating pizza spamming solo queue, I would personally find the nearest gun and solve that problem. Feels like I've never really grown up, all these years later I'm still here, in my childhood home, while my parents argue constantly and I try to drown it out with music/game audio. No GF, no sex, no job, no future, no reason to give a shit about my existence. No value at all. I look in the mirror and just see something worth destroying. I'd say my rate of suicidal ideation has gone from about 5 percent of the time in highschool to about 20 percent now. If I'm not distracting myself, my mind starts wandering to how much of a failure my existence is. I hate coming off as a whiney ingrate or whatever, but I cannot deny what feels so real.
I have a few reasons I haven't killed myself yet. Fear is one. I'm not religious anymore but was brought up Christian, and whenever I've gotten close to becoming an hero, I pussy out and decide eating junk food and playing games is more comfortable. Weirdly, i feel like an even bigger loser for NOT killing myself. I can't even dedicate myself to some tragic end. I feel like being a pathetic leech loser is worse than just killing myself, but here I am. The other main factor is my cat. Out of everything that plagues this shitty dimension we're forced to live in, I genuinely love my cat so much. At this point I feel like I love him more than I ever have loved my parents. He's never subjected me to domestic violence, for one. Just a truly innocent, pure soul. The one area of my life I feel some responsibility for. The time that I got closest to throwing myself off a bridge, I was literally leaning over the railing and I just started picturing my cat waiting by my bed, meowing for me to come back, completely helpless and wondering where I am. My only real sense of self value comes from this cat. I know he isn't just putting up with me to be polite, secretly thinking I'm some weirdo freak. He has no concept of what being weird even is. I wish I was a cat most of the time. I wish I didn't have to feel so inferior to everyone else. I wish everything was as simple as it feels it should be. But it's not, and I don't know how much longer I can take it.
My cat is 10 years old now and I feel utter dread thinking about him passing away. I think I might actually just die with him when it happens, he's the last real friend I have left. I actually feel somewhat indebted to him at the times when I try to think rationally. Nobody else would ever let me grab them and cry until I don't have the energy to feel like killing myself anymore. Even if he can't understand what I'm saying or fully know what I'm feeling, it still matters a lot to me. The thought of anyone hurting him makes me feel so much fucking rage I can't explain it. I don't want to be the one that ends up hurting him. I feel like a complete worthless loser to everyone except him. I feel like I at least owe him enough to stay alive until he's gone, even if I myself want to die. So i guess that's as much as I'll write about it and will now just leave the question open.
Should I become an hero and get it over with, or wait until my cat passes? My last attempt was not very long ago but I pussies out quickly like usual. I'm sure that I'll try again within a few months. The bridge is only a short walk away. I can't hide from how I feel anymore. I'd rather die an honest loser than a dishonest one.
