I was diagnosed with quite severe depression 6-7 years ago. They put it down to not being able to experience or having difficulty experiencing certain feelings. And the medications they put me on in the psychiatric ward just made it worse I think. The only ones I can feel are hatred and envy, if you can even call them feelings. Even when I was in love with the beautiful girl I was in love with, I hated her because I knew she didn't want me, I hated her because I knew she would never give herself to the reject I am. I'm nothing but an X in society. I could do anything to be with her. Anything. What's a nightmare for you is a minor sacrifice for me. But I don't hate everyone with such a pure heart. I wouldn't piss on most people if they were on fire. I don't care how much the little nigro scum in Africa can eat, I don't care how many worthless trash die in the 15 wars the world is currently fighting. This strange "void" I have inside me has grown. When I think back to my childhood, I realize that I was always the new me: the current/future me. That is, the past me. I always knew something was wrong with me, something was "resonating" differently. It's like I'm a cold spot in the sun that is this world and everyone, including you, is trying to destroy me. Not just make me warm, but burn me to ashes. If she could be mine in any way, I would have made my little sacrifice by now. But she's not here anymore, she's gone, far away now and even if she were, I'm not sure I'd be happy or just empty. I guess I'll never know. People were dying all around me left and right. But at least I am constant and defined, so I never lose myself, if there is such a thing as me. As a matter of fact, I've thought a lot about what it is that will make me, if not "happy", at least whole, if not her/other women. Video games? Not really. Cars? Definitely not. Then what?
I fell into the trap of the past. But nothing will ever be the same again, and I can't change it.
May 4, 2022 and my life took a very bad turn.
Almost a year later, and the only thing that has changed is that nothing has changed. Which is a pretty big change.
I fell into the trap of the past. But nothing will ever be the same again, and I can't change it.
May 4, 2022 and my life took a very bad turn.
Almost a year later, and the only thing that has changed is that nothing has changed. Which is a pretty big change.
