It hurts to talk. I can only accept yes/no questions, I can't handle being asked open questions or having normal conversations. My speech is severely reduced right now as I'm deep in my psychosis. I can make lengthy posts in detail, but I have to censor myself so I don't freak any of you out or accidentally become a schizo lolcow here. My parents have to watch me take my meds, but today since my parents aren't home I haven't taken them only a shit ton of ritalin which you're not really supposed to be on if you have psychosis or schizophrenia, but it helps with my negative symptoms. I can't function without my ritalin, I'll just lay in bed tweaking. I'm soon to be shipped off to another city to a psychiatric center where I'll stay for about half a year. They want me in the ward before I'm going since I can't be alone at home at the moment, and to stabilise my condition. Schizocel life is fucking brutal. There is no room for normality, I'm just a tard surrounded and monitored by my tard wranglers (psych team, family). Even in a world where foids weren't evil and corrupted, I still know no one would put up with me. What are my options in life? I want to move out of the city and live on a farm since that's how I grew up, but realistically if that were to happen I would probably have to stay with my mom. She has a farm so I'll probably build a house on the property and live with my family like how they did in the past. It's shameful to realise and admit I need constant support around me, I want to be an independent person, but that dream is miles away. I don't want to live alone for the rest of my life, but I doubt I'll be able to find a friend to live with me in the future since everyone is more independent than me and wants their own life. A girlfriend is out of the question, that's a fantasy I've laid to rest long ago. I'm a truecel in and out. If I were NT I would still be a truecel. I don't even care about my looks anymore since there's no one waiting for me out there. No more coping boys, looksmaxxing is cucked and being with a foid is cucked. It's a humiliation ritual I'm not willing to participate in. My life is enough of a humiliation ritual. The only plus of having schizophrenia is the fact that it guarantees I will never have my desired life and I can accept it easier. If I was NT I might've held onto some futile hope that I could at least have friends and live somewhat comfortably. That would never and will never be the case buddy boyos. It's fucking OVER for all of us. I don't care if you're NT or ND, you're just as fucked as me. This world is hijacked by the antichrist and his followers, that's the true blackpill. 
To rope or not to rope, that's the question. I'm battling with it, but if I don't I'm going to live on that farm and work from home since schizophrenics aren't capable of keeping normal jobs. I have spent too many years in high school, I might still spend 2-3 years there. After that comes uni, which I'm dreading since I can't even handle high school, I'm in the ward school since I'm too tarded to go to normal school. I'm glad since my little time at high school was fucking hell. Everyone in my city is a fucking normie living the comfortable normie life, it's too brutal to witness every day. I barely spoke, I had to mask constantly, the teachers had to give me special treatment because of my condition and everyone noticed. I wasn't directly bullied, but when I was forced to socialise with my normie classmates they would exclude me and treat me unfairly because they saw me as a freak. I was too quiet to be noticed or a target. The only good experience I had in normal high school was the foid counselor that actually tried to understand me and would buy me food from the cafeteria since I was too paranoid and anxious of all the people in there. In high school I would get special treatment like being put in the back of the class with people I got to choose who to sit with, not get graded for my verbal participation, not having to work in groups, not having to talk in front of everyone, extended assignments, work from home, not being asked questions in class by the teacher, allowed unlimited school absence, etc. People noticed and knew I was disabled in some way. I was the quiet one who couldn't make eye contact, would hide in the bathrooms, had visible weird behaviours, always alone and the list of my social incapabilties is only longer. It was a school with a lot of athletes so I was surrounded by chads, stacies and normies every day. It was true suifuel seeing how easy some people have it and how fucked up the social dynamics of this world is. Before high school I had no school and was self isolating for years so you can imagine how blackpilling this experience was for me. I'm not hopeful for my future, I'll just have to wait and see. I know it's gonna be brutal, I might rope after all. Sigh
To rope or not to rope, that's the question. I'm battling with it, but if I don't I'm going to live on that farm and work from home since schizophrenics aren't capable of keeping normal jobs. I have spent too many years in high school, I might still spend 2-3 years there. After that comes uni, which I'm dreading since I can't even handle high school, I'm in the ward school since I'm too tarded to go to normal school. I'm glad since my little time at high school was fucking hell. Everyone in my city is a fucking normie living the comfortable normie life, it's too brutal to witness every day. I barely spoke, I had to mask constantly, the teachers had to give me special treatment because of my condition and everyone noticed. I wasn't directly bullied, but when I was forced to socialise with my normie classmates they would exclude me and treat me unfairly because they saw me as a freak. I was too quiet to be noticed or a target. The only good experience I had in normal high school was the foid counselor that actually tried to understand me and would buy me food from the cafeteria since I was too paranoid and anxious of all the people in there. In high school I would get special treatment like being put in the back of the class with people I got to choose who to sit with, not get graded for my verbal participation, not having to work in groups, not having to talk in front of everyone, extended assignments, work from home, not being asked questions in class by the teacher, allowed unlimited school absence, etc. People noticed and knew I was disabled in some way. I was the quiet one who couldn't make eye contact, would hide in the bathrooms, had visible weird behaviours, always alone and the list of my social incapabilties is only longer. It was a school with a lot of athletes so I was surrounded by chads, stacies and normies every day. It was true suifuel seeing how easy some people have it and how fucked up the social dynamics of this world is. Before high school I had no school and was self isolating for years so you can imagine how blackpilling this experience was for me. I'm not hopeful for my future, I'll just have to wait and see. I know it's gonna be brutal, I might rope after all. Sigh
