I can't live this pathetic existence for myself, once her janitor salary or later pension stops when she dies, I'll have to use a hunting knife and die of blood loss if I pass out. I was going to do it in highschool but I really thought I could start over in university before I dropped out for being dumb, lazy and weak willed.
I can't change my shape of my head, my wrinkles or the length of my body. I'm always going to be the grumpy short boy who people don't talk to or respond to. I start conversations and they just die when the other person stands there awkwardly.
I can't change a life time of missing father figure and absentee parent or being humiliated by my siblings. I'm fucking Chinese American, I should've been born closer to the mean average household income with an average height of 5'7 instead I'm in the bottom 1% of height for men in fucking China and the U.S. Not only that, I'm pretty fucking sure my mom's income and mine puts us at the bottom 10% of household income ever since I started working.
There are no Chinese ancestors I'll respect or a Christian God I have for salvation of my inequalities. There is only years of inbreeding with small Asian women by my male ancestors that resulted in their male genetic line ending within my generation. But fuck em, my life is shit and they didn't give me no inheritance so fuck them all for not killing their szchiophrenic and short son before he bred.
To my fucking grandparents, you call me cold and selfish but I don't have the international rental properties or the million dollars land in Taiwan for people to respect me or to stand on. Telling me how this branch of the family needs to "stand up" for ourselves? I want to stand up so I can spite you for creating your son's failures and for not taking responsibility for the filth he created that I'm suffering for.
I'm the oldest grandson from your oldest son. I know how money works, just because your other son managed your properties and land doesn't mean he should be a millionaire, you kicked both of your sons out except him. It's your fucking responsibility for stranding your son in the u.s and keep his inheritance from my family that is dirt poor. I know how much money your assets are, and giving me $500 for a single car payment will not change anything.
Your son can keep shit talking me for not visiting my father at a mental institution but I make $70 a day before taxes and money is the only value I can price my entire life on. I can't spend 300 miles and 8 hours of driving my ghetto car to appease you. I don't have the money or the ability to use "safety funds" to cover my late payments because I have no money.
I can blame myself for many failures but pity doesn't bring me money or the ability to change my life. I'm going to scream and cry for my life but my mother will be gone then. I'll die alone with my shit littering the ground but it'll be over.
I just took some Advils because my head hurts so much now. Its prolly expired since I can't afford new stuff. People are weak and afraid, I hope that I have enough desperation to commit when mom is gone.
But for now, I can just cry.
I can't change my shape of my head, my wrinkles or the length of my body. I'm always going to be the grumpy short boy who people don't talk to or respond to. I start conversations and they just die when the other person stands there awkwardly.
I can't change a life time of missing father figure and absentee parent or being humiliated by my siblings. I'm fucking Chinese American, I should've been born closer to the mean average household income with an average height of 5'7 instead I'm in the bottom 1% of height for men in fucking China and the U.S. Not only that, I'm pretty fucking sure my mom's income and mine puts us at the bottom 10% of household income ever since I started working.
There are no Chinese ancestors I'll respect or a Christian God I have for salvation of my inequalities. There is only years of inbreeding with small Asian women by my male ancestors that resulted in their male genetic line ending within my generation. But fuck em, my life is shit and they didn't give me no inheritance so fuck them all for not killing their szchiophrenic and short son before he bred.
To my fucking grandparents, you call me cold and selfish but I don't have the international rental properties or the million dollars land in Taiwan for people to respect me or to stand on. Telling me how this branch of the family needs to "stand up" for ourselves? I want to stand up so I can spite you for creating your son's failures and for not taking responsibility for the filth he created that I'm suffering for.
I'm the oldest grandson from your oldest son. I know how money works, just because your other son managed your properties and land doesn't mean he should be a millionaire, you kicked both of your sons out except him. It's your fucking responsibility for stranding your son in the u.s and keep his inheritance from my family that is dirt poor. I know how much money your assets are, and giving me $500 for a single car payment will not change anything.
Your son can keep shit talking me for not visiting my father at a mental institution but I make $70 a day before taxes and money is the only value I can price my entire life on. I can't spend 300 miles and 8 hours of driving my ghetto car to appease you. I don't have the money or the ability to use "safety funds" to cover my late payments because I have no money.
I can blame myself for many failures but pity doesn't bring me money or the ability to change my life. I'm going to scream and cry for my life but my mother will be gone then. I'll die alone with my shit littering the ground but it'll be over.
I just took some Advils because my head hurts so much now. Its prolly expired since I can't afford new stuff. People are weak and afraid, I hope that I have enough desperation to commit when mom is gone.
But for now, I can just cry.
