It's hard to cope once your an oldcel. When your young you think, "well, I have plenty of time. A fluke might happen." Then it doesn't happen, and you start to feel fear along with sadness and loneliness. You genuinely fear you may never have what it takes to have a family, or even a girlfriend. That maybe your so far behind it really, really is over. That even if a foid liked you enough to date you, you would blow it with inexperience.
All your copes feel empty. I can't focus on writing, drawing, videogames, anything. It feels like I'm missing something in my life. Like my heart is hollow. When I try to write I'm constantly reminded how empty my own life is as a story and it makes me feel pathetic.
Why don't I rope? Because I still think I have a chance. Even if it's just 1 in a hundred. My mind is holding on to even the smallest of odds. I've also lost my fear of death. I want the store I work at to be robbed by a gunman who can put me out of my misery. I don't fear flying anymore, or falling from heights. Use to be scared of certain roller coasters, etc, not anymore. I hope death comes and takes me. I don't resist him anymore.