I'll keep this brief.
After six months of nofap I reluctantly made an account here to tell you a story about how God mocked me after thinking I could ascend.
The moment my account was created a user by the name of undercover posted a powerful meme about the benefits of gooning — the user's last post was in 2018 — so it felt especially bizarre and personal that a FED was trying to get me to release.
While I detest simps, I hold no ill will against gooners, to each their own I say, but my reason for retaining had more to do with increased motivation and reduced brain fog (and it does work).
About a month into the retention I had a semi-lucid dream (that's another great thing about nofap). In the dream I left to go to a driving range with my two Chadlite brothers, their obnoxious friends and sister.
As a hermitcel, this isn't like me. I wouldn't say I'm ugly facially, but I'm only 5'6 and deathly neurodivergent. I can dream up scenarios of talking and acting like Chad, but when I open my mouth irl I stutter or jester to the point of atomization. Height and neurotypicality is almost everything these days. Being short and neurodivergent is a curse, whether decent looking or not... but to be truly ugly, short and ND is a life living in satan's anus.
The dream begins with us parking in a muddy area near a large oak tree. It must have been because it down poured the night before. I remmeber this place because I've been here before.
In the dream my older Chadlite brother was driving and he got stuck in the mud a few feet from the parking spot. I remember the tire flipping the mud up into the air, seeing it in third person in my dream. We were eventually able to park, though not before getting mud all over the white car behind us. My brother's obnoxious friends were laughing the whole time.
We pay for our day and walk up to the driving range and there's around fifty people there. It's booked. As I'm sitting on a wooden bench watching my brother hit 300 yard drives (which I could only dream of) I see a girl with her friends, basically my lookmatch, probably slightly better looking (actually, she was way better looking than me). She's short, maybe 5'3 and looks over at me.
The dream was so detailed I could see every beauty mark, every strain of hair, and look right into her eyes. Dirty blonde hair, blue eyes. And a silver flower necklace. My brain created her out of thin air, so I thought. She was not the typical 600lb whale that waddled up to me that one time, the only time, I ever had the attention of the opposite sex.
Some would call me a volcel or fakecel, but I have standards. If she can feed an entire Haitian village for a year, she's not for me.
I remember thinking that she reminds me of someone, that I knew her from a past life, though I couldn't place my finger on it.
I say hi and the conversation goes smoothly, surprisingly. We talk about stuff, and we reciprocate flirting (which I don't know how to do irl). Somehow in my dreams I can flirt just fine, or at least know how to do it, and can pick up on cues if a girl is into me.
Eventually she walks away to go to the bathroom. Twenty minutes later she returns with one of her friends and asks me if I'd like if she'd come to an island my family vacations on every summer next weekend. I ask how she'd knew? Apparently my sister saw we were flirting and gave her the spiel, and since she liked me she made the first move.
I said sure, gave her my number and we parted ways. The rest of the dream was the boat ride to the island and talking the whole time. I had butterflies in my stomach and everything was just perfect. No anxiety, just reciprocated bonding. It felt like I knew her for an eternity.
Come the past month, the dream I just mentioned happened exactly as I have written it. Of course, there are some minor — major — subtractions with no happy ending.
My brother asks if I want to go to the driving range with his friends. I oblige reluctantly. At first my sister wasn't going to go but then decided last minute. At this point nothing is suspicious. I don't feel any deja vu, yet.
As we get to the driving range, I get an intense feeling of deja vu. Intense. It felt like the entire world was going to implode into a black hole. If you remember the last scenes of True Detective, when he's looking up at the universe after he murdered a truecel, that was basically me.
My older brother is driving and comes up to the very spot in my dream where we get stuck, and, wouldn't you know it, gets stuck in the mud because it rained the night before. He floors it and the white car behind us gets plastered with mud. I remember looking back thinking about how the dream was looking from the back of the car in third person, and neurotically trying to see if there was a camera somewhere, anything that would ground me.
We walk up and pay, and I kind of lurk around the clubhouse for a little totally freaked out with
what is happening. I'm now vividly remembering this dream and thinking I'm either schizophrenic or reality is fake. I'm almost totally depersonalized and derealized at this point, and inch my way up to the driving range, thinking that either some fat lady is on that bench or a smelly boomer.
I sit on a different bench from my dreams, and slowly look over and... yup... there she is, the same girl. The exact same girl from my dreams with her friends wearing the same exact necklace.
I stand up and walk over to the bench closest to her and watch my brother hit a few drives. I'm contemplating on my very existence, and since everything has happened as it did in my dream, I'm thinking, "well, I should shoot my shot, and she'll surely reciprocate, then she'll leave and my sister will invite her to the island."
I say hi, give her a nod, and she immediately laughs, turns to her friends and leaves. It was so abrupt. The amount of rage I had in that moment... you cannot begin to understand. I thought I was some kind of psychic, ground hog day character, that time wasn't linear and destiny was on my side, only to be met with a hysterical laugh.
Okay, I thought. That must mean she'll be back after my sister talks to her... my sister then goes to batheroom a few minutes later and comes back.
I ask, "did you talk to anyone while you were down there?" and she replies, "agh, no, why?"
I stare up at sky and curse the universe.
To this day, I'm still shaken why the fuck and how the fuck this happened. Why my brain created the very girl I saw, and why it went so different in real life.
Did my brain reach into the ether to formulate a life had I been Chad? I'm at a loss of words at this point. I don't even know her name.
After six months of nofap I reluctantly made an account here to tell you a story about how God mocked me after thinking I could ascend.
The moment my account was created a user by the name of undercover posted a powerful meme about the benefits of gooning — the user's last post was in 2018 — so it felt especially bizarre and personal that a FED was trying to get me to release.
While I detest simps, I hold no ill will against gooners, to each their own I say, but my reason for retaining had more to do with increased motivation and reduced brain fog (and it does work).
About a month into the retention I had a semi-lucid dream (that's another great thing about nofap). In the dream I left to go to a driving range with my two Chadlite brothers, their obnoxious friends and sister.
As a hermitcel, this isn't like me. I wouldn't say I'm ugly facially, but I'm only 5'6 and deathly neurodivergent. I can dream up scenarios of talking and acting like Chad, but when I open my mouth irl I stutter or jester to the point of atomization. Height and neurotypicality is almost everything these days. Being short and neurodivergent is a curse, whether decent looking or not... but to be truly ugly, short and ND is a life living in satan's anus.
The dream begins with us parking in a muddy area near a large oak tree. It must have been because it down poured the night before. I remmeber this place because I've been here before.
In the dream my older Chadlite brother was driving and he got stuck in the mud a few feet from the parking spot. I remember the tire flipping the mud up into the air, seeing it in third person in my dream. We were eventually able to park, though not before getting mud all over the white car behind us. My brother's obnoxious friends were laughing the whole time.
We pay for our day and walk up to the driving range and there's around fifty people there. It's booked. As I'm sitting on a wooden bench watching my brother hit 300 yard drives (which I could only dream of) I see a girl with her friends, basically my lookmatch, probably slightly better looking (actually, she was way better looking than me). She's short, maybe 5'3 and looks over at me.
The dream was so detailed I could see every beauty mark, every strain of hair, and look right into her eyes. Dirty blonde hair, blue eyes. And a silver flower necklace. My brain created her out of thin air, so I thought. She was not the typical 600lb whale that waddled up to me that one time, the only time, I ever had the attention of the opposite sex.
Some would call me a volcel or fakecel, but I have standards. If she can feed an entire Haitian village for a year, she's not for me.
I remember thinking that she reminds me of someone, that I knew her from a past life, though I couldn't place my finger on it.
I say hi and the conversation goes smoothly, surprisingly. We talk about stuff, and we reciprocate flirting (which I don't know how to do irl). Somehow in my dreams I can flirt just fine, or at least know how to do it, and can pick up on cues if a girl is into me.
Eventually she walks away to go to the bathroom. Twenty minutes later she returns with one of her friends and asks me if I'd like if she'd come to an island my family vacations on every summer next weekend. I ask how she'd knew? Apparently my sister saw we were flirting and gave her the spiel, and since she liked me she made the first move.
I said sure, gave her my number and we parted ways. The rest of the dream was the boat ride to the island and talking the whole time. I had butterflies in my stomach and everything was just perfect. No anxiety, just reciprocated bonding. It felt like I knew her for an eternity.
Come the past month, the dream I just mentioned happened exactly as I have written it. Of course, there are some minor — major — subtractions with no happy ending.
My brother asks if I want to go to the driving range with his friends. I oblige reluctantly. At first my sister wasn't going to go but then decided last minute. At this point nothing is suspicious. I don't feel any deja vu, yet.
As we get to the driving range, I get an intense feeling of deja vu. Intense. It felt like the entire world was going to implode into a black hole. If you remember the last scenes of True Detective, when he's looking up at the universe after he murdered a truecel, that was basically me.
My older brother is driving and comes up to the very spot in my dream where we get stuck, and, wouldn't you know it, gets stuck in the mud because it rained the night before. He floors it and the white car behind us gets plastered with mud. I remember looking back thinking about how the dream was looking from the back of the car in third person, and neurotically trying to see if there was a camera somewhere, anything that would ground me.
We walk up and pay, and I kind of lurk around the clubhouse for a little totally freaked out with
what is happening. I'm now vividly remembering this dream and thinking I'm either schizophrenic or reality is fake. I'm almost totally depersonalized and derealized at this point, and inch my way up to the driving range, thinking that either some fat lady is on that bench or a smelly boomer.
I sit on a different bench from my dreams, and slowly look over and... yup... there she is, the same girl. The exact same girl from my dreams with her friends wearing the same exact necklace.
I stand up and walk over to the bench closest to her and watch my brother hit a few drives. I'm contemplating on my very existence, and since everything has happened as it did in my dream, I'm thinking, "well, I should shoot my shot, and she'll surely reciprocate, then she'll leave and my sister will invite her to the island."
I say hi, give her a nod, and she immediately laughs, turns to her friends and leaves. It was so abrupt. The amount of rage I had in that moment... you cannot begin to understand. I thought I was some kind of psychic, ground hog day character, that time wasn't linear and destiny was on my side, only to be met with a hysterical laugh.
Okay, I thought. That must mean she'll be back after my sister talks to her... my sister then goes to batheroom a few minutes later and comes back.
I ask, "did you talk to anyone while you were down there?" and she replies, "agh, no, why?"
I stare up at sky and curse the universe.
To this day, I'm still shaken why the fuck and how the fuck this happened. Why my brain created the very girl I saw, and why it went so different in real life.
Did my brain reach into the ether to formulate a life had I been Chad? I'm at a loss of words at this point. I don't even know her name.
