Hi, I’m Anincelmuse, new member here.
There is a possibility that I end myself in the following days, and I just wanted to post there, maybe to be seen and heard one last time.
I have faced 8 rejection by height different girls/foids. Never had anything going on with a girl, not even for one second.
Does this mean I think like most guys here ?
I have hated some girls/foids, I have seen the illogical reasoning behind regular people telling me : « you’ll find the one » when I don’t have any options contrary to them.
But unlike most of you here, I don’t want to get consumed even more by negative emotions. I do not pretend I am above most of you. It is just that it would drive me insane (if I am not already).
I am hypersensitive. Clinically speaking, I am technically not neurodivergent, but the way I behave, feel emotions and think is very different from regular people making me act in a neurodivergent way.
Apart from some physical features of mine of course, this hypersensitivity has done nothing but ruin my life.
I feel emotions way more than the average person.
I faced yet another rejection 2 moths ago, and the pain is still vividly here, my mind spiraling about the texts, moments with her and the « what if’s ». With that, I work at a horrible workplace, as a bartender for a summer job and get insulted, stressed and anxious by colleagues (even though I’m 18 and just started working 2 weeks ago). I also constantly comparing myself to others and am anxious anytime I’m outside watching people.
All of this makes my mind overrun and never shut up, appart when I am sleeping, and it is unbearable.
I hardly can see my situation bettering itself when I will enter university (In France most enter it at 18)
I would like that sleep to last longer. Make my brain shut (forever). I wish I could chop my head off sometimes.
During (maybe) those last days of my life I would like to share and discuss about my passions, if anyone is down for it, I’d greatly appreciate it.
I’m an artistic guy (hence the name “anincelmuse”). Funnily enough I found what I believe to be my purpose (which is what I have been searching questioning for so long) ,writing, just before my (possible) suicide.
I like to write letters, I like to journal about my life. For me, writing is the purest form of expression when I can be the closest to my real self. It lets me time to choose the exact words for how I exactly want to phrase something, something talking can’t.
I also like to draw, faces mostly, and sometimes things straight up out of my imagination.
Moreover, I like to draw on my face with cosmetics. Not that I am gay, or desire to be edgy, I still am a heterosexual guy. Simply put ; it is just a way to cope for me, to see my face and features framed differently, slightly refined and bettered, or sometimes completely transformed and it wears off the shame I feel when usually examining my reflection.
I like basketball, I have a pronounced interest for shooting, the technique, the most skilled players at it, its evolution through the years.
I will post more in the following days. Maybe share letters I wrote, or some of my reflections put down in my journal, maybe my analysis of X basketball pro’s shooting form, maybe my drawings, maybe how I go about coping with drawing on my face (if it is allowed here).
If you read up until now, thank you. I acknowledge what I do might be viewed as feminine : my emotions (but I can’t change that), my interest in art and my copes might not be welcomed here.
I don’t want to bring negativity here. I don’t want to bring bluepill Candide (well known, blindly optimistic character in French literature) either.
I just want to share a piece of me here.
I hope my thread was enjoyable to read despite its length. I invite you to respond to it, maybe with the same length, and neutral tone (rather than negativity).
-Anincelmuse.
There is a possibility that I end myself in the following days, and I just wanted to post there, maybe to be seen and heard one last time.
I have faced 8 rejection by height different girls/foids. Never had anything going on with a girl, not even for one second.
Does this mean I think like most guys here ?
I have hated some girls/foids, I have seen the illogical reasoning behind regular people telling me : « you’ll find the one » when I don’t have any options contrary to them.
But unlike most of you here, I don’t want to get consumed even more by negative emotions. I do not pretend I am above most of you. It is just that it would drive me insane (if I am not already).
I am hypersensitive. Clinically speaking, I am technically not neurodivergent, but the way I behave, feel emotions and think is very different from regular people making me act in a neurodivergent way.
Apart from some physical features of mine of course, this hypersensitivity has done nothing but ruin my life.
I feel emotions way more than the average person.
I faced yet another rejection 2 moths ago, and the pain is still vividly here, my mind spiraling about the texts, moments with her and the « what if’s ». With that, I work at a horrible workplace, as a bartender for a summer job and get insulted, stressed and anxious by colleagues (even though I’m 18 and just started working 2 weeks ago). I also constantly comparing myself to others and am anxious anytime I’m outside watching people.
All of this makes my mind overrun and never shut up, appart when I am sleeping, and it is unbearable.
I hardly can see my situation bettering itself when I will enter university (In France most enter it at 18)
I would like that sleep to last longer. Make my brain shut (forever). I wish I could chop my head off sometimes.
During (maybe) those last days of my life I would like to share and discuss about my passions, if anyone is down for it, I’d greatly appreciate it.
I’m an artistic guy (hence the name “anincelmuse”). Funnily enough I found what I believe to be my purpose (which is what I have been searching questioning for so long) ,writing, just before my (possible) suicide.
I like to write letters, I like to journal about my life. For me, writing is the purest form of expression when I can be the closest to my real self. It lets me time to choose the exact words for how I exactly want to phrase something, something talking can’t.
I also like to draw, faces mostly, and sometimes things straight up out of my imagination.
Moreover, I like to draw on my face with cosmetics. Not that I am gay, or desire to be edgy, I still am a heterosexual guy. Simply put ; it is just a way to cope for me, to see my face and features framed differently, slightly refined and bettered, or sometimes completely transformed and it wears off the shame I feel when usually examining my reflection.
I like basketball, I have a pronounced interest for shooting, the technique, the most skilled players at it, its evolution through the years.
I will post more in the following days. Maybe share letters I wrote, or some of my reflections put down in my journal, maybe my analysis of X basketball pro’s shooting form, maybe my drawings, maybe how I go about coping with drawing on my face (if it is allowed here).
If you read up until now, thank you. I acknowledge what I do might be viewed as feminine : my emotions (but I can’t change that), my interest in art and my copes might not be welcomed here.
I don’t want to bring negativity here. I don’t want to bring bluepill Candide (well known, blindly optimistic character in French literature) either.
I just want to share a piece of me here.
I hope my thread was enjoyable to read despite its length. I invite you to respond to it, maybe with the same length, and neutral tone (rather than negativity).
-Anincelmuse.
