He was 22, almost 23 in November.
I noticed something seemed off about 2 months ago and asked him what was going on. It was just us at the house, and he's usually a pretty stoic guy hell he loves to laugh and joke around. I really did not expect him to breakdown crying. I hadn't seen him cry since he was a little boy.
He talked about how ugly he felt, he felt so undesirable, one thing that stuck with me was him saying he was "so cold all the time". It was honestly really fucking hard for me not to cry. I was surprised because I just kind of assumed he had a regular social life yknow? Few good friends, a girl here and there, stuff like that.
I did notice he stopped going out as much a few years ago and he said he had to drop a lot of friends in the name of "self improvement" which I did see him improving himself A LOT these past few years and just kinda thought like "nice, good for him" but now I'm starting to wonder if he was doing all that in hopes of getting a girl.
This was all 2 months ago and I was still thinking about it but idk I guess maybe I thought he'd cry it out and kinda move on to the next part of the story or something? I really didn't know.
3 weeks ago my brother was found after hanging himself in his closet and from what I'm told his note mostly just referenced his struggles with dating and his appearance.
I don't understand. He was such a handsome young man, his hair was so full and beautiful with that amazing dark brown color to it, his eyes were so beautiful the way they'd switch between green and blue depending on how the light hit them, his voice was so pleasant to listen to, he was so funny he'd have you sore the next day from laughing, he was so smart he taught himself so many things he knew so much about history, culture, science, philosophy, always such a quick learner and such an incredibly hard worker. He was always the first to show up and the last to leave at every job he'd had. He was so kind helpful, giving our nieces and nephews $100 for their birthdays, learning how to braid hair for our nieces, always looking out for people who might need help. He was so balanced, strong yet gentle, capable yet humble, beautiful yet modest. He was such a good cook, even if it didn't turn out the best you could tell he cooked with love and passion. He did everything with a passion you very rarely see in people. Hell he even watched movies, read books, and listened to music with a passion. I remember as a kid he used to always tear up during movies and at songs. Hell, I remember when we were little and he cried at the end of kill bill 2. He even taught himself ASL (for our cousin in another state) and Japanese to damn near FLUENCY. I wanted to learn Spanish so bad in high school and couldn't get past the first grammar lesson. I was honestly in awe of him for that. This kid liked a challenge too, he'd be taking cold showers, sleeping without a blanket in the winter, doing pushups until he literally couldn't lift his arms, seeing how long he can study for, how much money could he make in a week. I think he liked seeing what he could withstand. He was so sentimental. Always believing everyone had so much intrinsic value and getting so upset when things were unfair. When our aunt's dog died he sat there with that dog for an entire day, never moving, just trying to comfort the dog on his last day. A comfort he was not given.
His funeral's on Sunday and I don't know if I'll be able to hold it together.
My family wants me to do the slideshow. I've picked the songs runaway train by soul asylum and yokan by a band called dir en grey (he loved both songs so much always sang or played them). It's so fucking hard looking at the pictures, hearing the melodies or lyrics. I feel like my lungs are bruised from trying to stifle my tears. What hurts even more is that there's less and less pictures of him as the years go on, and looking back, you can really start to see the happiness drain from his eyes, how the hell did we not see it. I can't stop crying for even 10 minutes. I feel like I'm literally suffocating. I just want to scream I'm so angry and sad at the same time. I'm never ever going to see my little brother ever again for the rest of my life. We went to my sister's and hearing the deep, endless sobbing of my nieces will be etched into my brain. Seeing a 4 and 8 year old grieve is unimaginable, they cry just like adults almost. I'm honestly terrified for both of them, especially the toddler, she has no other father figure in her life and he took so much pride in being there for her and she loved him more than anything in the world, even copying his mannerisms. And now she'll never see her uncle again, he won't be there when she graduates high school and college, or when she gets married, or when she has a baby of her own. He'll never be there to pick her up somewhere no questions asked, vet a boyfriend, help her with homework, help her move. He took so much pride in being a good male role model for them and now no matter how much these girls might need their uncle, he will never be there again. Ever.
I keep going back and forth between anger and agony, spending most of my time somewhere in the middle. He was the greatest person I ever knew and how did he die? How did he spend the last moments of his beautiful, precious life? Alone, in agony, in a dark closet. I didn't get to say goodbye to my little brother. All the meals I cooked for him, the days I took care of him when he was sick, all the babysitting, teaching him to drive, all of it.... and I don't even get a fucking goodbye. Just up and leave. How could you do this to me? To all of us? I fucking hate you.
I just don't understand, he was so beautiful. How the hell could he feel ugly? He wanted children so bad and I know they would've been so incredibly smart, kind, beautiful, and capable. Just like he was.
I'd like to share something he wrote that's really stuck with me. I'm considering getting it tattoo'd.
"When I'm too scared to sleep alone, would you stay up with me on the phone? On that road, watch me go. Oh man, I'm pretty far from home. Hold my head against your chest, I'll listen to your heart while you listen to my breath. On that road, watch me go. Oh man, I'm pretty far from home."
I love you so much, Luke.
That’s great. Perhaps it’s time for Gen Z to end misandry once and for all!
