April 17, 2020
I do not know what has happened. I do not find a way to change my life. I have been deliberating about this concern for so many years, and I still cannot find a viable solution. I do not know if it is because I am weak-willed, or if it is because I am mentally ill. I know that I want to improve myself. I told myself at the beginning of this semester that I was going to do everything I could to excel in my classes; however, I sunk into a depression so bad. I was suicidal, depressed, so socially anxious that I could not even say the word ‘excuse’ me whenever I needed something. I feel powerless.
The worst thing is that I feel so alone. I am carrying a life of silence. I vividly remember writing that my only friend is myself. However, my new companion is silence. The majority of my days in college are filled with utter silence, I literally do not open my mouth. It is getting crazy out there. I would like to have the ability to eloquently express everything that I feel. Then, People would know and really understand me.