Despondent Dreamer
Self-banned
-
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2021
- Posts
- 408
Except that there is essentially nothing for me to do, and what little there is to do isn't particularly enjoyable alone.
During the past year and a half or so I would try to make myself go places, or at least make myself do something other than rot on my computer when I wasn't slaving. I mean what exactly am I supposed to do? Go to a restaurant and pay an exorbitant amount just to eat alone? Go to a cinema alone just to watch a movie when I could've done the same thing at home on my computer? Drive to a city alone just to realize that I could've looked at pictures of it online and had more or less the same experience, because traveling to different places alone isn't really more enjoyable than looking at pictures of the same places? I have no idea what well-adjusted people actually do tbh, and there is very little to do in the rural USA anyway.
Usually what these efforts would result in was me going to various different parks and such, being entirely cognizant of the fact that literally almost everyone else there were either couples or alternatively families with children. I would often walk around for a few hours, take a few pictures, and then feel worse than I would've felt if I hadn't gone at all. Another thing that I would commonly do was drive aimlessly around the countryside, spending all day traveling though random villages, while looking at the buildings and people. However the all too common sight of couples, groups of teenagers hanging out together, children getting out of school, all of it made me feel like some unknown creature studying a different species. Ultimately just about everything I could do outside is poisoned by the sight of people reminding me of the life which I'll never get to live.
Not only is all of this incredibly lonely, but it results in me feeling like there is something fundamentally wrong with me, which I suppose isn't inaccurate to suggest.
During the past year and a half or so I would try to make myself go places, or at least make myself do something other than rot on my computer when I wasn't slaving. I mean what exactly am I supposed to do? Go to a restaurant and pay an exorbitant amount just to eat alone? Go to a cinema alone just to watch a movie when I could've done the same thing at home on my computer? Drive to a city alone just to realize that I could've looked at pictures of it online and had more or less the same experience, because traveling to different places alone isn't really more enjoyable than looking at pictures of the same places? I have no idea what well-adjusted people actually do tbh, and there is very little to do in the rural USA anyway.
Usually what these efforts would result in was me going to various different parks and such, being entirely cognizant of the fact that literally almost everyone else there were either couples or alternatively families with children. I would often walk around for a few hours, take a few pictures, and then feel worse than I would've felt if I hadn't gone at all. Another thing that I would commonly do was drive aimlessly around the countryside, spending all day traveling though random villages, while looking at the buildings and people. However the all too common sight of couples, groups of teenagers hanging out together, children getting out of school, all of it made me feel like some unknown creature studying a different species. Ultimately just about everything I could do outside is poisoned by the sight of people reminding me of the life which I'll never get to live.
Not only is all of this incredibly lonely, but it results in me feeling like there is something fundamentally wrong with me, which I suppose isn't inaccurate to suggest.