Normal are constantly making memories, and those memories are almost always related to doing stuff with other people.
I tried for the past 2 days to enjoy a whole bunch of stuff: movies, anime, manga, novels, games. And they all felt so hollow.
And for example about anime ... I recalled nostalgically stuff from like 5th grade. I guess that's around the time I stopped forming memories, or at least a few years before. There was a girl in class also watching anime, and while she didn't pay any attention to me even when I liked her till 12th grade (she was kind of a nerd and a weird girl so I guess I thought I might've had a chance with her, but I never did though I'm sure she knew I liked her), I still have memories associated with watching a few anime series that she was discussing during break time, at least with others.
I watched those anime series all alone but I still am nostalgic after them because they had a social context. Because I heard others talking about them, and maybe I said a few words too (though iirc I might've kept it secret that I was watching these things).
But now I have no memories for so many years cause ... they lack social context. Even now, I can't properly enjoy things, cause it's just me consuming and forgetting once the series is over. Because there's no social investment, no emotional investment, it's just something I consumed like a bag of chips and then I forget it forever.
I guess this is why I posted so much on this forum. It felt like it gave my days a social element. Felt like posting and having these posts read by some people would give these years some sort of feeling when I recall them afterwards. Like somebody out there remembers me for who I was these few years. Cause unlike that 5th grade time when I was watching anime, for the rest of my life I'll look back to my teens and my twenties and it'll just be a blur. I won't be nostalgic after anything cause no memories were formed. My actions had no social context so they had no emotional weight, no point, no way to turn into memories.
And worst of all, I'm now an adult, and adults are supposed to already have had a bunch of social experiences, to have a social circle, and from now on for them it's just grinding at a job and starting a family and going through life with less time for friends and such. Not that it matters, I'm too avoidant and anxious to a pathological level to actually change and start socializing. I tried, it just ended up worse for me in the end.
I tried for the past 2 days to enjoy a whole bunch of stuff: movies, anime, manga, novels, games. And they all felt so hollow.
And for example about anime ... I recalled nostalgically stuff from like 5th grade. I guess that's around the time I stopped forming memories, or at least a few years before. There was a girl in class also watching anime, and while she didn't pay any attention to me even when I liked her till 12th grade (she was kind of a nerd and a weird girl so I guess I thought I might've had a chance with her, but I never did though I'm sure she knew I liked her), I still have memories associated with watching a few anime series that she was discussing during break time, at least with others.
I watched those anime series all alone but I still am nostalgic after them because they had a social context. Because I heard others talking about them, and maybe I said a few words too (though iirc I might've kept it secret that I was watching these things).
But now I have no memories for so many years cause ... they lack social context. Even now, I can't properly enjoy things, cause it's just me consuming and forgetting once the series is over. Because there's no social investment, no emotional investment, it's just something I consumed like a bag of chips and then I forget it forever.
I guess this is why I posted so much on this forum. It felt like it gave my days a social element. Felt like posting and having these posts read by some people would give these years some sort of feeling when I recall them afterwards. Like somebody out there remembers me for who I was these few years. Cause unlike that 5th grade time when I was watching anime, for the rest of my life I'll look back to my teens and my twenties and it'll just be a blur. I won't be nostalgic after anything cause no memories were formed. My actions had no social context so they had no emotional weight, no point, no way to turn into memories.
And worst of all, I'm now an adult, and adults are supposed to already have had a bunch of social experiences, to have a social circle, and from now on for them it's just grinding at a job and starting a family and going through life with less time for friends and such. Not that it matters, I'm too avoidant and anxious to a pathological level to actually change and start socializing. I tried, it just ended up worse for me in the end.
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