I'm 19, autistic and a BSC Economics student at a pretty good Uni.
I spent most of my life trying to achieve something, anything, just somehow start to fill in how fucking empty and shit my entire life has been; developing this certain mental image in my head that I would 'get back' at everyone that had wronged me through making it ahead.
But now, I just rot away with no real friends. All my hobbies failed, either after years of me trying to do things I ultimately now realised I was just horrible at or recent attempts at finding anything new. I find no joy in anything about life.
I don't want to spend more time on talking on this so here's an old thread more on it if you care about that: https://incels.is/threads/a-message...urkers-that-believe-blackpill-is-fake.674191/
Ironically, as I idly spent waiting for my 2nd year to start in my small decrepit room I hear through long-time acquaintances(never really talked before university but they were in my secondary) that it seems like the bullies and horrible people that I thought would be fucked over once they leave school seems to be living far better than me.
I keep hearing news on past parties I was too scared to attend, where these people talk about how well they are doing for themselves; hell, one is having a kid at only 20. Girlfriends, wives, developing talents, going to concerts, having huge social groups... So many having hobbies they are perfectly good at and, even with such meager academic success, they manage to get hold of steady jobs or apprenticeships they are content with through connections.
They are living their lives to the fullest, perfectly well-fitted into society. Happy. Content. Extremely lucky even, as though they received reversed karma for everything.
They became good people.
Despite so many fucking failing secondary school due to Covid.
Despite me trying my hardest to escape my fate.
Despite everything they did to me.
It just seems as though I was the only one seemingly stuck on the past.
The only one impacted negatively by it all.
I just feel like giving up on university entirely now, I don't even like any of this. I just thought it would eventually work out into something.
I spent most of my life trying to achieve something, anything, just somehow start to fill in how fucking empty and shit my entire life has been; developing this certain mental image in my head that I would 'get back' at everyone that had wronged me through making it ahead.
But now, I just rot away with no real friends. All my hobbies failed, either after years of me trying to do things I ultimately now realised I was just horrible at or recent attempts at finding anything new. I find no joy in anything about life.
I don't want to spend more time on talking on this so here's an old thread more on it if you care about that: https://incels.is/threads/a-message...urkers-that-believe-blackpill-is-fake.674191/
My 'home' life was shit: I have no dad as he had been arrested for abusing my mother while I was still a baby, and that led to us having to rely on council housing/Universal Credit as well as being legally classified as homeless.
My mother eventually turned to drugs in order to cope with her life and actively would beat me and my brother, telling me specifically (as I was the oldest) that I ruined her life in some way, never really understood her logic in that she felt 'forced' to stay with my biological father when she realised she was having me.
Ironically, my brother seemed to have developed this idea that she was right in a way and hated me as well despite us hardly ever interacting in the first place.
My entire school life had been utterly atrocious since I was a kid; even as a little toddler I was essentially ostracised and I vividly recall that it was with reason as I cried over the things people told me directly: I would mess up my words, stare at people for too long, share my home experiences innocently, slur on my words a lot etc.
Eventually, even during primary school I was bullied to the point that I became a mute, unable to bring myself to talk to anyone. It didn't exactly help that I gotten heavily chronically online to the point of only talking to online friends I made, and quite easily obsessed over media like Yume Nikki, Terraria, Undertale and other shit I rather not admit. (no MLP shit btw admins)
My mother was forced to get me a child therapist to help me start talking with people again; but in the meantime I would spend my school days being beaten the shit out of, tripped/smashed into during PE, whispered about, alienated etc but academically I was somehow still doing well for myself.
For secondary school, it got even worse since most people from my primary school went to the same secondary school as well; I actually had a chance to go to a good grammar school but it was too far, and I usually have to walk by myself to school so I couldn't go. I talked about my secondary school in the old thread I sent earlier but essentially it was horse shit: a ghetto school with 'rules' that was utterly disregarded.
There was especially this one girl, the one that threw a tampon full of koolaid at me during class, who I absolutely despaired over with every fiber of my being; I spent most of my secondary school years practically being her fucking slave and she constantly tested how far she could push me before I went off and killed myself or smth.
She faked being my 'friend' with a group of other people, most I didn't know from secondary school so I thought I finally gotten friends, and they would slowly make me do worse and worse shit for them or degrade me in countless ways. Her especially.
She took it out on me in a far more psychological way that I still have no self-esteem to this day, which is partially likely why I see why noone would ever willingly want to be with me and don't really hate people anymore.
My mother eventually turned to drugs in order to cope with her life and actively would beat me and my brother, telling me specifically (as I was the oldest) that I ruined her life in some way, never really understood her logic in that she felt 'forced' to stay with my biological father when she realised she was having me.
Ironically, my brother seemed to have developed this idea that she was right in a way and hated me as well despite us hardly ever interacting in the first place.
My entire school life had been utterly atrocious since I was a kid; even as a little toddler I was essentially ostracised and I vividly recall that it was with reason as I cried over the things people told me directly: I would mess up my words, stare at people for too long, share my home experiences innocently, slur on my words a lot etc.
Eventually, even during primary school I was bullied to the point that I became a mute, unable to bring myself to talk to anyone. It didn't exactly help that I gotten heavily chronically online to the point of only talking to online friends I made, and quite easily obsessed over media like Yume Nikki, Terraria, Undertale and other shit I rather not admit. (no MLP shit btw admins)
My mother was forced to get me a child therapist to help me start talking with people again; but in the meantime I would spend my school days being beaten the shit out of, tripped/smashed into during PE, whispered about, alienated etc but academically I was somehow still doing well for myself.
For secondary school, it got even worse since most people from my primary school went to the same secondary school as well; I actually had a chance to go to a good grammar school but it was too far, and I usually have to walk by myself to school so I couldn't go. I talked about my secondary school in the old thread I sent earlier but essentially it was horse shit: a ghetto school with 'rules' that was utterly disregarded.
There was especially this one girl, the one that threw a tampon full of koolaid at me during class, who I absolutely despaired over with every fiber of my being; I spent most of my secondary school years practically being her fucking slave and she constantly tested how far she could push me before I went off and killed myself or smth.
She faked being my 'friend' with a group of other people, most I didn't know from secondary school so I thought I finally gotten friends, and they would slowly make me do worse and worse shit for them or degrade me in countless ways. Her especially.
She took it out on me in a far more psychological way that I still have no self-esteem to this day, which is partially likely why I see why noone would ever willingly want to be with me and don't really hate people anymore.
Ironically, as I idly spent waiting for my 2nd year to start in my small decrepit room I hear through long-time acquaintances(never really talked before university but they were in my secondary) that it seems like the bullies and horrible people that I thought would be fucked over once they leave school seems to be living far better than me.
I keep hearing news on past parties I was too scared to attend, where these people talk about how well they are doing for themselves; hell, one is having a kid at only 20. Girlfriends, wives, developing talents, going to concerts, having huge social groups... So many having hobbies they are perfectly good at and, even with such meager academic success, they manage to get hold of steady jobs or apprenticeships they are content with through connections.
They are living their lives to the fullest, perfectly well-fitted into society. Happy. Content. Extremely lucky even, as though they received reversed karma for everything.
They became good people.
Despite so many fucking failing secondary school due to Covid.
Despite me trying my hardest to escape my fate.
Despite everything they did to me.
It just seems as though I was the only one seemingly stuck on the past.
The only one impacted negatively by it all.
I just feel like giving up on university entirely now, I don't even like any of this. I just thought it would eventually work out into something.
