I do not know who I am. I know I am myself, but am I my true self?
Starting with middle school, I began to shut myself off as a coping mechanism, to avoid getting bullied and hurt because of being ugly. I spent all my free time after school watching movies and playing video games while my peers were learning to socialize.
Now movies and video games are essentially my entire life. But do I actually like movies and games? Or do I like them simply because they are a cope? Because they are one of the few things available for me that make me feel good?
Had I not been constrained by my ugly meat prison, would I have taken an interest in something else? Could it have been cycling? Urban cyling/offroad cycling? In present reality, I don't know how to ride a bike.
Maybe swimming? In present reality, I will NEVER be able take off my shirt in public because I have manboobs. I will never step foot on the beach for the rest of my life. Last time was when I was a kid and I went with my parents.
If I were an average 5/10 man and if I had a normal childhood where I had the chance to socialize and be accepted by society, where would I be today? What is my alternate-reality 31-year old normie self doing right now? Do you think he has a looksmatched 5/10 Becky wife? Do you think he is currently cuddling in bed with her?
I am also in the bed at the moment. Rotting. Drinking beer. Tearing up.
I shut myself off because of being ugly to avoid being hurt. Because I shut myself off, I didn't get the chance to socialize. Because I didn't socialize, I have no social skills. Because I have no social skills, I have no friends.
But this isn't a matter of merely lacking the social skills. Social skills could be practised. This is a matter of rejection. I am disruptively ugly, I cannot step foot outside without being overcome with anxiety and suicidal thoughts when the humans react violently in disgust when they look at my self.
Starting with middle school, I began to shut myself off as a coping mechanism, to avoid getting bullied and hurt because of being ugly. I spent all my free time after school watching movies and playing video games while my peers were learning to socialize.
Now movies and video games are essentially my entire life. But do I actually like movies and games? Or do I like them simply because they are a cope? Because they are one of the few things available for me that make me feel good?
Had I not been constrained by my ugly meat prison, would I have taken an interest in something else? Could it have been cycling? Urban cyling/offroad cycling? In present reality, I don't know how to ride a bike.
Maybe swimming? In present reality, I will NEVER be able take off my shirt in public because I have manboobs. I will never step foot on the beach for the rest of my life. Last time was when I was a kid and I went with my parents.
If I were an average 5/10 man and if I had a normal childhood where I had the chance to socialize and be accepted by society, where would I be today? What is my alternate-reality 31-year old normie self doing right now? Do you think he has a looksmatched 5/10 Becky wife? Do you think he is currently cuddling in bed with her?
I am also in the bed at the moment. Rotting. Drinking beer. Tearing up.
I shut myself off because of being ugly to avoid being hurt. Because I shut myself off, I didn't get the chance to socialize. Because I didn't socialize, I have no social skills. Because I have no social skills, I have no friends.
But this isn't a matter of merely lacking the social skills. Social skills could be practised. This is a matter of rejection. I am disruptively ugly, I cannot step foot outside without being overcome with anxiety and suicidal thoughts when the humans react violently in disgust when they look at my self.
