Hey. I cant go on like this. I have two choices. Either I turn to drugs and bluepill myself to oblivion or stay sober, bitter and unwanted. I took some opioid pills a few weeks ago because stimulants suck (meth doesnt do it for me and the comedown plus withdrawal are nasty ans coke is too expensive and diluted so its even worse -panic attacks and shit). It was okayish. But then I went drinking and went looking for more and met a dealer who only had some super strong stuff. Morphine pills. I took both even though he adviced me not to. Bad choice. I had a serotonin syndrom and feared I would die. But my hormones went wild and I changed... I was super tired and couldnt sleep but my ED was gone and I felt somehow empowered. My self esteem went through the roof. Even foids started to smile at me which made me wrongly assume I had a chance. It was a delusion. I havent managed to attract anything but problems. But it was good. Except for the chronic tiredness... But now Im back where I was before. Neurotic to the bone. Foids look at me with fear or disgust. Im done for. I drove myself mad looking for sanity. What should I do? Should I go see a shrink and get some benzos? Should I do smack? That would be a short but fun ride. I dont have enough power in me to go on for another 30 years... Fuck my brain
