I’m Alive.
I guess I have some explaining to do.
So for those who don’t know or joined after, I made a last post to off myself last year. You can read about it here. For those too lazy as shit, TLDR: I committed to offing myself after my cunt of a stepfather passed away from his diabetic complications.
So I heard my mother crying telling my stepfather to wake up in the next room. I went to their room to check his breathing. Nothing. Next, I checked his pulse. Nothing. He was dead (unofficially, in that moment, at least. Doctors make it official but I mean my stepfather was a dirty fat fuck not even a bolt of lightning would have restarted his heart because of the amount of fat between his heart and his skin). My mother took my stepfather to the hospital (I for sure hell was not going to see him) where I assumed the doctors officially pronounced him dead.
During that time, I was planning out my own end. I took out my stepfather’s gun, loaded it, and turned the safety off to take my own life. It took a few tries, because my hand was shaking so bad from the adrenaline of finally meeting my end and my maker (whom I had a LOT to say to). Eventually, I calmed myself down just enough to put it to my right temple and pull.
The moment I heard the bang, I was finally going to be at peace…
…or so I thought.
All I got was this huge headache on the right side of my face. I couldn’t see anything from my right eye, and the ringing in my ears was so loud I could barely hear myself screaming or thinking.
I didn’t venture to the underworld. I was very much still fucking alive like a little retard I was, is, and always will be.
Did I mention the fucking headache?
I searched for what felt like half an hour trying to find the gun and finish the fucking job I started. Because I shattered the right side of my face, I didn’t have any bone to lean the gun into so I could shoot again. Therefore, I had to switch hands and put the gun on the left side of my face. However, I was shaking so bad from the adrenaline, and I could barely concentrate on what I was doing because of the pain. I accidentally fired off another errant shot, which went straight through the bedroom window and into the night.
All of this commotion, unfortunately, caught the attention of the neighbors. They told me later on that they thought there was a thief stealing shit from the house and a gunfight was going on. They called the cops, who would shortly find a bloody man and carpet laying on the floor trying to take his own life.
I was taken to the hospital, where they cleaned up my mess.
After my surgery, I was taken to a mental hospital, as the doctors evaluated that I needed “help.” Let me tell you right now, going to a hospital because of suicide? You stay in with the others who have mental disorders, schizophrenia, etc. I shared a room with some dude with no teeth who wouldn’t stop staring at me, which was weird yet I didn’t blame him for it. I felt like more of an outcast in a place full of outcasts. I stayed there for a few weeks, until the doctors told me I could go home to live with my mother who would “take care of me” aka barely keep me alive just enough so she doesn’t pay any liabilities for me, but hey, that’s her fault for raising me wrong and making me feel like shit. Now she has to take care of 2 people back to back JFL. At least the disability insurance stipends are nice I guess. I got enough money to buy a new laptop so that was pretty cool.
The brightest side of all of this is that I don’t have to work at that fucking shithole place called Wal-Mart.
Today, I basically look like Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight but with very little actual bone structure (not that I had any to begin with anyway). Imagine if Harvey’s side of his face that was exposed was covered in a sheet of skin. That’s basically the right side of my face right now. The pain has subsided somewhat, and my vision has significantly worsened, and I’m projected to go blind when I get old. Hopefully I’ll be as good as dead before then.
And obviously also Harvey Dent is 6 feet plus tall and a Chad and I’m…an oldcel ricecel manlet KHHV loser with nothing to live for, and now officially prohibited from dying by my own terms.
Fuck this government and healthcare system.
God I feel so fucking retarded typing this shit out.
I guess I have some explaining to do.
So for those who don’t know or joined after, I made a last post to off myself last year. You can read about it here. For those too lazy as shit, TLDR: I committed to offing myself after my cunt of a stepfather passed away from his diabetic complications.
So I heard my mother crying telling my stepfather to wake up in the next room. I went to their room to check his breathing. Nothing. Next, I checked his pulse. Nothing. He was dead (unofficially, in that moment, at least. Doctors make it official but I mean my stepfather was a dirty fat fuck not even a bolt of lightning would have restarted his heart because of the amount of fat between his heart and his skin). My mother took my stepfather to the hospital (I for sure hell was not going to see him) where I assumed the doctors officially pronounced him dead.
During that time, I was planning out my own end. I took out my stepfather’s gun, loaded it, and turned the safety off to take my own life. It took a few tries, because my hand was shaking so bad from the adrenaline of finally meeting my end and my maker (whom I had a LOT to say to). Eventually, I calmed myself down just enough to put it to my right temple and pull.
The moment I heard the bang, I was finally going to be at peace…
…or so I thought.
All I got was this huge headache on the right side of my face. I couldn’t see anything from my right eye, and the ringing in my ears was so loud I could barely hear myself screaming or thinking.
I didn’t venture to the underworld. I was very much still fucking alive like a little retard I was, is, and always will be.
Did I mention the fucking headache?
I searched for what felt like half an hour trying to find the gun and finish the fucking job I started. Because I shattered the right side of my face, I didn’t have any bone to lean the gun into so I could shoot again. Therefore, I had to switch hands and put the gun on the left side of my face. However, I was shaking so bad from the adrenaline, and I could barely concentrate on what I was doing because of the pain. I accidentally fired off another errant shot, which went straight through the bedroom window and into the night.
All of this commotion, unfortunately, caught the attention of the neighbors. They told me later on that they thought there was a thief stealing shit from the house and a gunfight was going on. They called the cops, who would shortly find a bloody man and carpet laying on the floor trying to take his own life.
I was taken to the hospital, where they cleaned up my mess.
After my surgery, I was taken to a mental hospital, as the doctors evaluated that I needed “help.” Let me tell you right now, going to a hospital because of suicide? You stay in with the others who have mental disorders, schizophrenia, etc. I shared a room with some dude with no teeth who wouldn’t stop staring at me, which was weird yet I didn’t blame him for it. I felt like more of an outcast in a place full of outcasts. I stayed there for a few weeks, until the doctors told me I could go home to live with my mother who would “take care of me” aka barely keep me alive just enough so she doesn’t pay any liabilities for me, but hey, that’s her fault for raising me wrong and making me feel like shit. Now she has to take care of 2 people back to back JFL. At least the disability insurance stipends are nice I guess. I got enough money to buy a new laptop so that was pretty cool.
The brightest side of all of this is that I don’t have to work at that fucking shithole place called Wal-Mart.
Today, I basically look like Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight but with very little actual bone structure (not that I had any to begin with anyway). Imagine if Harvey’s side of his face that was exposed was covered in a sheet of skin. That’s basically the right side of my face right now. The pain has subsided somewhat, and my vision has significantly worsened, and I’m projected to go blind when I get old. Hopefully I’ll be as good as dead before then.
And obviously also Harvey Dent is 6 feet plus tall and a Chad and I’m…an oldcel ricecel manlet KHHV loser with nothing to live for, and now officially prohibited from dying by my own terms.
Fuck this government and healthcare system.
God I feel so fucking retarded typing this shit out.
