What the hell is wrong with these people?
- Jan 23, 2019
- 3d 22h 22m
I spent six years on autopilot going through higher education. I didn't have any hobbies. I didn't have any friends. No one I talked to cared even the slightest about my existence. I was boring and had no idea how to talk to people in a way that convinced them that I was normal like them. After graduating I managed to get a position abroad for a short time, but since corona I've been at home unemployed. In the last twelve months I've done nothing productive at all. I've been drinking. I tried to learn a few things, pick up a few new hobbies. But nothing ever sticks. "Why do these things when there's no one around who will ever care about it?" my mind tells me. I have to go through every hardship completely alone. I can't vent to anyone. On several occasions lately I felt so bad I started laughing in the middle of the night. Another time a few months ago, I almost fell off my bike and two young persons, complete strangers to me, started laughing, mocking me. I felt the urge to bash their heads in against the pavement, but I didn't. Ending up in jail wouldn't have improved my life. I know why these things keep happening to me. In some way I was cursed. I've always been ugly and weird. I don't even feel human. I'm something else, something that's not wanted. I've been able to tolerate humans' treatment of me so far, but my tolerance has been eroding. I have gotten nothing in return for following their rules, for forcing myself to be more like them. This is why I've been unemployed for so long now. I think I've started to realize that none of it matters as much as they say it does. My boss tells me I fucked up some important document? I'll tell him to gargle my shit and get fucked. They try to make all of it a competition. If you fuck up, they want you to feel worthless. They might not say it, but that's what they'll think. You can read it in their eyes. My face barely shows anything but theirs are like billboards, advertising every little thought and feeling. There is no value anymore in pretending. There never was. I spent eight years going down a path that ended up leading nowhere because that path was what they wanted. It's what they convinced me was what I wanted as well. I don't see any way out. The conditions for happiness were denied to me by factors entirely outside of my control. What choice do I have left? None at all. I just know I won't make it to 30.