I don't know what it is. I don't have any obvious deformities or misshapen face, but there's just something about my face that is... grotesque. And I've always known it, even when people lie to me and try to tell me otherwise, or tell me it's all in my head. No, I can see it clearly in my reflection.
I was just looking at a picture of my waifu on my phone, and the picture faded out as my phone went to sleep, and then all I could see was my face reflected in the unlit screen. And it was another reminder of just how genetically subhuman I really am. This is why I hate reflections, and do my best to avoid them at all costs. I don't llike being reminded of this. If my waifu was real, she would never go for a guy like me.
I think there's some substance to those studies that show autism manifests itself in facial appearance, even though I really don't want to believe it. But I can't deny the science, and I can't deny what I see staring back at me: I see the pain in my eyes, that I know normies and especially foids can't, or more realistically, won't see. I see the beaten and broken soul, damaged beyond reapir, staring out from what looks like two open windows into the Void. A broken man in untold pain, who has lived through unspeakable loneliness and isolation, watching as people and life pass him by, never able to fit in, never able to get along, never able to make friends or attract a woman, all because of the fuck ugly face this pain is kept beneath.
It's really weird. In that moment, I got a sort of flashback, but of my whole life, from Kindergarten to now, of how I've been excluded, of how my peers have socially exiled me, of how women have treated me at best as an invisible fly on the wall, and at worst, like a potential gRapist ready to strike. But that's not me. All I've ever wanted is to belong, to be normal, to have the same life as most everyone else. But I've been locked out of it because of the shite way I was born.
I remember the time I was running to class because I was late. It was in high school. I was running down the hall, and I passed a group of girls standing near some lockers. And one of them shouted after me "Run, Forrest! Run!" and they all started cackling. I remember it like it happened yesterday. This is how people have treated me my entire life, if they've acknowledged my existence at all. Even as I'm typing this, I'm reliving so many horrible moments from my life, too many to write them all down. It's a flurry of emotions and memories and pain all bearing down on me and crushing the oxygen out of my lungs and caving my skull in. I want to cry out but I feel choked out, like I'm drowning in the misery my life has caused me. I remember when I first got to college so many years ago, I thought it would be a new start, that I would have a fresh chance at life, that maybe I could make a new name, a new reputation for myself and that I could surely make friends here and meet a girl who would be ilnterested in dating me. That didn't work out, obviously, or I wouldn't be here now. I think that was the last moment I ever really thought my life could really truly change for the better. I learned the hard way, that there is no hope for me. There is nothing and nobody to live for.
I don't like life. I don't want to live. This life is awful. It's horrible. People have been downright evil. I hate the way things have gone, I hate the way people have treated me. I just want the pain to end. Why is that so much to ask for?
I was just looking at a picture of my waifu on my phone, and the picture faded out as my phone went to sleep, and then all I could see was my face reflected in the unlit screen. And it was another reminder of just how genetically subhuman I really am. This is why I hate reflections, and do my best to avoid them at all costs. I don't llike being reminded of this. If my waifu was real, she would never go for a guy like me.
I think there's some substance to those studies that show autism manifests itself in facial appearance, even though I really don't want to believe it. But I can't deny the science, and I can't deny what I see staring back at me: I see the pain in my eyes, that I know normies and especially foids can't, or more realistically, won't see. I see the beaten and broken soul, damaged beyond reapir, staring out from what looks like two open windows into the Void. A broken man in untold pain, who has lived through unspeakable loneliness and isolation, watching as people and life pass him by, never able to fit in, never able to get along, never able to make friends or attract a woman, all because of the fuck ugly face this pain is kept beneath.
It's really weird. In that moment, I got a sort of flashback, but of my whole life, from Kindergarten to now, of how I've been excluded, of how my peers have socially exiled me, of how women have treated me at best as an invisible fly on the wall, and at worst, like a potential gRapist ready to strike. But that's not me. All I've ever wanted is to belong, to be normal, to have the same life as most everyone else. But I've been locked out of it because of the shite way I was born.
I remember the time I was running to class because I was late. It was in high school. I was running down the hall, and I passed a group of girls standing near some lockers. And one of them shouted after me "Run, Forrest! Run!" and they all started cackling. I remember it like it happened yesterday. This is how people have treated me my entire life, if they've acknowledged my existence at all. Even as I'm typing this, I'm reliving so many horrible moments from my life, too many to write them all down. It's a flurry of emotions and memories and pain all bearing down on me and crushing the oxygen out of my lungs and caving my skull in. I want to cry out but I feel choked out, like I'm drowning in the misery my life has caused me. I remember when I first got to college so many years ago, I thought it would be a new start, that I would have a fresh chance at life, that maybe I could make a new name, a new reputation for myself and that I could surely make friends here and meet a girl who would be ilnterested in dating me. That didn't work out, obviously, or I wouldn't be here now.
I think that was the last moment I ever really thought my life could really truly change for the better. I learned the hard way, that there is no hope for me. There is nothing and nobody to live for.I don't like life. I don't want to live. This life is awful. It's horrible. People have been downright evil. I hate the way things have gone, I hate the way people have treated me. I just want the pain to end. Why is that so much to ask for?
