For most of my life, I have spent time wondering how other people could get "relationships" and I couldn't. No, it's not because I'm ugly, I've had different reasons. I'm a volcel now who is not interested in a "relationship" with some shitty foid, but for probably 5-6 years I was suicidal in large part due to loneliness and not having a "girlfriend".
For all that time, I never understood how to get one. I have posts from long ago wherein I express my bewilderment at how other people find "relationships". Like, how thhe fuck do people get to that level with another human being? It just completely confused me, since I never came anywhere close to that. But last night, I really did some thinking, and it left me very disturbed.
For years and years I tried texting random girls I never really talked to. I tried flexing on social media for a while (Still am), but it doesn't really get you the type of foid you might want. I never really had the opportunity to flirt with bitches in classes. I hardly ever saw anyone else do this. So I was in complete bewilderment: If other people don't flirt in class (Like me), if other people flex on sm (Like me), how come they have "girlfriends" and I don't?
Then I found the answer: Other people, from childhood on, socialized. I didn't. I was a somewhat social kid when I was young, but I had a very difficult adolescence that completely demolished any confidence I might have had, and made me become an extremely reclusive loner. I began suicide attempts at age 13. I was scared of people. Other people met girls by interacting with them in normal settings. Me? If a girl said "Hi" to me in passing I took it as an extreme IOI. I''d text a girl on Facebook once and expect a "relationship" out of it. If it didnt happen, Id rack my brain for weeks trying to figure out what went wrong and why I'm such a fuck-up. I literally never understood that "relationships" form from being social. I thought it was as simple as seeing someone in the hall, thinking that they're attractive, talking a few times, and going on a "date". I never learned that friend groups are crucial to meeting people because I hardly even had friends. I'd give my dumb method a try, and then get suicidal if it didn't work because I felt there was something wrong with me for me to be single while EVERYONE ELSE got a "relationship". In reality I was just extremely anti-social and clueless with no one to help me out. TO PUT IT IN SIMPLEST TERMS: I TRIED TO BUILD A PERSONNA BEFORE I EVEN HAD A READABLE PERSONALITY. I DID THIS BECAUSE I WAS TOO SCARED TO DEVELOP A REAL PERSONALITY BASED ON REAL INTERACTIONS. I TRIED TO MAKE MYSELF A FANTASY CHARACTER AND PLAY UP TO IT INSTEAD. IT DIDN'T WORK. PEOPLE DIDN'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME, BUT I EXPECTED THEM TO COME UP TO ME AND BE WARM JUST BASED ON AN OUTWARD PERSONNA I GAVE, WHEN IN REALITY THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ME.
All that time, people were going to fires. People were going to bowling alleys. People were going to parties. People were just hanging out with one another. And they did all of this in mixed sex groups. I didn't experience any of this, not one lick. None of it. I just rotted at home contemplating suicide, homicide, and only interacting with people on forums.
This completely warped my sense of reality. I never understood that you have to actually meet girls at social gatherings, and via friend groups, and get to know them in order to get with them. That was never a part of my life, never ever did I engage in that shit for years and years during my adolescence, probably from 12-17. I always thought there was something wrong with me. I spent nights and days crying due to loneliness. I developed extremely exaggerated and idealistic images of people in my head because that's all I had to go on. I wasn't able to formulate true analysis on people because I never interacted with them. In my mind, two people saw each other's Instagram, and magically fell in love forever and ever, 100% loyal. I literally never understood that socializing was required to meet people because I was never given that opportunity. Other people fell in love with a girl they met at a bowling alley with a friend group, or at a fire, or with a girl they hung out with in the local neighborhood. I never fell in love with a girl because I never interacted with a girl. I was a loner to the extreme. Instead, I fell in love with images of girls I conjured up in my head based on a scroll through their Twitter.
The reason I didn't interact with people is because: A.My confidence was extremely low. B.I didn't understand how. My dad was physically and verbally abusive to me throughout my entire childhood; this completely ruined my confidence and turned me into a shell. He never taught me social skills either, and I never really learned how to interact with other people.
For basically my entire life, I've been living a lie. I've been living in a world full of false images of people I've conjured up in my head rather than real humans. I've always wondered why I couldn't have success, and it's because I was making full assumptions of people's character based on a scroll through their Twitter rather than real-life interaction. I always took it as a personal slight when girls wouldn't come after me, yet they would go after other guys. What the fuck is this for? Well I know why that happened now: Other guys hung out around the neighborhood, other people went to social events, I just sat in my room scared to death of people, waiting for a miracle, but not understanding how to make it happen.
My lack of success in the past has nothing to do with looks or game. I simply literally cried in my room all day while other people interacted. Maybe this doesn't sound like much, but you guys don't understand, my ENTIRE PERCEPTION OF REALITY from ages 12-19 has been completely skewed due to my extremely low self-esteem, lack of social interaction, and overall fear of other human beings that was ingrained in me via an abusive father and terrible social experiences at ages 12-13 they made me go into a suicidal shell. I've literally been living in a false reality.
My entire adolescence has been stripped away from me because I was dealt a shit hand and never learned how to socialize or cope. While other people developed as normal human beings, with social and romantic interactions to form them as human beings, I built myself upon a broken foundation, a brain permanently damaged from neglect and abuse and ridicule from family and peers.
You don't understand how big this is. It's been proven time and time again that socializing during those formative years is crucial to a brain's development (https://www.noisolation.com/global/...ocial-isolation-for-children-and-adolescents/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3800115/). I spent those years in a false reality. Other people grew with those around them. I never had those experiences and always wondered why. I spent years and years wondering why no one liked me, when in reality I was just a loner. These years of isolation just completely fucked up my brain, it's almost like being in solitary for all that time. Imagine living in a fantasy for 7-8 years with no realization that you are doing so while everyone else around you advances at a normal pace? My brain is permanently warped and I will never get those days back. I wish I learned how to not be so scared, how to socialize, and how to be a normal person. Oh well.
For all that time, I never understood how to get one. I have posts from long ago wherein I express my bewilderment at how other people find "relationships". Like, how thhe fuck do people get to that level with another human being? It just completely confused me, since I never came anywhere close to that. But last night, I really did some thinking, and it left me very disturbed.
For years and years I tried texting random girls I never really talked to. I tried flexing on social media for a while (Still am), but it doesn't really get you the type of foid you might want. I never really had the opportunity to flirt with bitches in classes. I hardly ever saw anyone else do this. So I was in complete bewilderment: If other people don't flirt in class (Like me), if other people flex on sm (Like me), how come they have "girlfriends" and I don't?
Then I found the answer: Other people, from childhood on, socialized. I didn't. I was a somewhat social kid when I was young, but I had a very difficult adolescence that completely demolished any confidence I might have had, and made me become an extremely reclusive loner. I began suicide attempts at age 13. I was scared of people. Other people met girls by interacting with them in normal settings. Me? If a girl said "Hi" to me in passing I took it as an extreme IOI. I''d text a girl on Facebook once and expect a "relationship" out of it. If it didnt happen, Id rack my brain for weeks trying to figure out what went wrong and why I'm such a fuck-up. I literally never understood that "relationships" form from being social. I thought it was as simple as seeing someone in the hall, thinking that they're attractive, talking a few times, and going on a "date". I never learned that friend groups are crucial to meeting people because I hardly even had friends. I'd give my dumb method a try, and then get suicidal if it didn't work because I felt there was something wrong with me for me to be single while EVERYONE ELSE got a "relationship". In reality I was just extremely anti-social and clueless with no one to help me out. TO PUT IT IN SIMPLEST TERMS: I TRIED TO BUILD A PERSONNA BEFORE I EVEN HAD A READABLE PERSONALITY. I DID THIS BECAUSE I WAS TOO SCARED TO DEVELOP A REAL PERSONALITY BASED ON REAL INTERACTIONS. I TRIED TO MAKE MYSELF A FANTASY CHARACTER AND PLAY UP TO IT INSTEAD. IT DIDN'T WORK. PEOPLE DIDN'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME, BUT I EXPECTED THEM TO COME UP TO ME AND BE WARM JUST BASED ON AN OUTWARD PERSONNA I GAVE, WHEN IN REALITY THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ME.
All that time, people were going to fires. People were going to bowling alleys. People were going to parties. People were just hanging out with one another. And they did all of this in mixed sex groups. I didn't experience any of this, not one lick. None of it. I just rotted at home contemplating suicide, homicide, and only interacting with people on forums.
This completely warped my sense of reality. I never understood that you have to actually meet girls at social gatherings, and via friend groups, and get to know them in order to get with them. That was never a part of my life, never ever did I engage in that shit for years and years during my adolescence, probably from 12-17. I always thought there was something wrong with me. I spent nights and days crying due to loneliness. I developed extremely exaggerated and idealistic images of people in my head because that's all I had to go on. I wasn't able to formulate true analysis on people because I never interacted with them. In my mind, two people saw each other's Instagram, and magically fell in love forever and ever, 100% loyal. I literally never understood that socializing was required to meet people because I was never given that opportunity. Other people fell in love with a girl they met at a bowling alley with a friend group, or at a fire, or with a girl they hung out with in the local neighborhood. I never fell in love with a girl because I never interacted with a girl. I was a loner to the extreme. Instead, I fell in love with images of girls I conjured up in my head based on a scroll through their Twitter.
The reason I didn't interact with people is because: A.My confidence was extremely low. B.I didn't understand how. My dad was physically and verbally abusive to me throughout my entire childhood; this completely ruined my confidence and turned me into a shell. He never taught me social skills either, and I never really learned how to interact with other people.
For basically my entire life, I've been living a lie. I've been living in a world full of false images of people I've conjured up in my head rather than real humans. I've always wondered why I couldn't have success, and it's because I was making full assumptions of people's character based on a scroll through their Twitter rather than real-life interaction. I always took it as a personal slight when girls wouldn't come after me, yet they would go after other guys. What the fuck is this for? Well I know why that happened now: Other guys hung out around the neighborhood, other people went to social events, I just sat in my room scared to death of people, waiting for a miracle, but not understanding how to make it happen.
My lack of success in the past has nothing to do with looks or game. I simply literally cried in my room all day while other people interacted. Maybe this doesn't sound like much, but you guys don't understand, my ENTIRE PERCEPTION OF REALITY from ages 12-19 has been completely skewed due to my extremely low self-esteem, lack of social interaction, and overall fear of other human beings that was ingrained in me via an abusive father and terrible social experiences at ages 12-13 they made me go into a suicidal shell. I've literally been living in a false reality.
My entire adolescence has been stripped away from me because I was dealt a shit hand and never learned how to socialize or cope. While other people developed as normal human beings, with social and romantic interactions to form them as human beings, I built myself upon a broken foundation, a brain permanently damaged from neglect and abuse and ridicule from family and peers.
You don't understand how big this is. It's been proven time and time again that socializing during those formative years is crucial to a brain's development (https://www.noisolation.com/global/...ocial-isolation-for-children-and-adolescents/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3800115/). I spent those years in a false reality. Other people grew with those around them. I never had those experiences and always wondered why. I spent years and years wondering why no one liked me, when in reality I was just a loner. These years of isolation just completely fucked up my brain, it's almost like being in solitary for all that time. Imagine living in a fantasy for 7-8 years with no realization that you are doing so while everyone else around you advances at a normal pace? My brain is permanently warped and I will never get those days back. I wish I learned how to not be so scared, how to socialize, and how to be a normal person. Oh well.
Last edited:
