Bronzehawkattack
Mythic
★★
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2018
- Posts
- 4,629
I’m in a depressed state right now, so here’s a little vent post where i’ll let out my real feelings.
I feel so disgusted with the fact that I think this way but I can’t help it. I hate being black and I want to be white, there’s no doubt about it, no amount of preaching about racial pride to others will help me deny that fact, i’m just a giant hypocrite with nothing to be proud of.
I used to preach so hard about being proud of your race but at any moment if you had offered me surgery that would magically give me blue eyes or lighten my skin color or reshape my nose -- just anything that would make me look even a bit more aryan -- I would have taken it in a heartbeat. I know the truth. Just having those features would make people look at you a lot different. The halo effect is real and it applies to racial features too. I’m a lesser class of person because of the color of my skin, and I understand that all too well, it’s just the truth.
This fact particularly hits me hard because I don’t embody much of the stereotypes of a black male. I’m not into thug culture, and i’m not criminal outside of my mad rantings here caused by pent up frustration and anger, but those negative things are associated with me nonetheless. Worse than that I don’t even embody the positive stereotypes of a black male; i’m not tall, i’m not overly masculine and don’t carry the kind of swagger men of my race are associated with. People of other races already view me as lesser than them for being black and people of my own race view me as weak for acting “too white”.
Maybe it would be better if I were white then. Maybe then I would finally be accepted by people. I fantasize about it constantly, i’d be able to make friends and join social circles with anyone of any race if I were white and I wouldn’t have to live up to any expectation in particular. None of these stereotypes would have to follow me around and haunt me. I don’t belong in this black skin, it’s not comfortable, it’s not meant for me. I reap all of the negatives of being black and none of the positive, it’s hell. No one can understand this pain, not even other ethnicels apparently. It’s the suffering that comes with being a perpetual outsider that won’t belong in any social circle, who will always be treated differently.
The only chance I have to be accepted as my current race is to play up my stereotypes. The only way i’ll ever be able to ascend and get a girlfriend is if I start adhering to what society expects me to be like because that’s the only way someone will accept me, that’s the only way I can find a match. "Just thug maxx bro!", right? Being myself while black is bad news because my personality isn’t one that is black. I’m not meant to be the way I am and so i’m punished for it.
It’s always been this way too. I've always wanted to be that white superhero or star from the movies and videogames, anytime games allowed custom characters I defaulted to one that looked white. Even in my fantasies I was white ffs. I was race pilled long before I was ever black pilled. I've never wanted to be black. Who would be? Even other ethnics would never want to be black, even the coping JBBC posters know better, they know in their heart of hearts they'd rather be subhuman and white than subhuman and black.
I’m so tired right now and none of my copes are working lately. Video games no longer fill me with happiness, TV anime and films just remind me of my desire to be white and a beloved hero, gymcelling and boxing just make me feel like a compensating piece of shit, and my sex drive seems to be fading so even masturbating just feels like a ton of work that makes me crave real intimacy.
I think i’m gonna enter full rot mode. I've got about three hours until work starts but I feel too depressed and unmotivated to even get up and get ready. I’m not going in today, i’m not gonna call out either, i’m just gonna let myself passively be fired because I don’t care anymore. I’ll just rot until I can’t afford to rot anymore and am forced to grow a pair of balls and finally fucking rope. It’ll be easier on me this way. This way I don’t have to go outside and be exposed to normal, good looking people. This way I don’t have to be so ashamed of showing my ugly mug to the world.
Maybe if there’s a god in this world i’ll wake up tomorrow with white skin, just fuck my shit up Michael Jackson style. I’ll still be ugly, but at least i’ll be ugly and white.