ColdLightOfDay
Serge’s alt.
★★★★★
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2018
- Posts
- 5,717
I do not like being happy. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous but I can explain.
Some days I just feel happy, like earlier today I was walking to work and I just felt upbeat about the day, none of my usual worries were getting me down and there was just a general ambience of positivity in the air and the future was not looming like a dark cloud on the horizon in front of me as it usually does.
The reason I hate this is that I now feel absolutely horrible, worse than usual. It’s as if for some unknown reason my neurochemistry cocoons me from negativity for a short period in order to stop me from offing myself and I feel (at least bodily) at peace. Then when this effect subsides I have to reacclimatise to my former state and this period of transition is always more painful than what I am normally used to.
I would prefer to never be happy and stay within a stagnant state of emotionally unresponsive malaise than have to go through this exhausting process of peak and trough that leaves me destitute when I come out the other side.
Anyone else feel this?
Some days I just feel happy, like earlier today I was walking to work and I just felt upbeat about the day, none of my usual worries were getting me down and there was just a general ambience of positivity in the air and the future was not looming like a dark cloud on the horizon in front of me as it usually does.
The reason I hate this is that I now feel absolutely horrible, worse than usual. It’s as if for some unknown reason my neurochemistry cocoons me from negativity for a short period in order to stop me from offing myself and I feel (at least bodily) at peace. Then when this effect subsides I have to reacclimatise to my former state and this period of transition is always more painful than what I am normally used to.
I would prefer to never be happy and stay within a stagnant state of emotionally unresponsive malaise than have to go through this exhausting process of peak and trough that leaves me destitute when I come out the other side.
Anyone else feel this?