I seriously attempted suicide for the first and last time ten years ago, but I failed because I was too young and dumb. (Before that I had thought about it, I remember that as a kid I would hold my breath in order to die of asphyxation, even though I knew that it couldn't work.)
Last summer I tied a rope to the ceiling and contemplated doing it.
Ten fucking years, nothing changed. But it was for entirely different reasons. My life is so pathetic, one disaster after another. When I was a kid, I had a very bad case of OCD with dangerous and time-wasting compulsions and absurd magical thinking beliefs that pretty much ruined my childhood and early teenage years. My parents never sent me to a psychiatrist because of their fear of psychiatric medicinals. Then came the inability to make friends, along with the constant depression and anxiety. Then, only after reaching 20 years old, I finally realized that maybe I was an incel too. And then I also failed university because I was depressed and most likely a bit low IQ for it.
Ten years spent doing nothing but jerking off, daydreaming and wasting time on the internet. Some more hopeful periods that ended in devastating disappointments, self-improvement attempts that failed. No motivation to ever pursue anything or make something of my life, I quit working on my only talent, drawing, after middle school. But worst of all, ten years of always wanting to kill myself. I still regret failing that first time, because I haven't been able to try again.
Nothing has ever changed for me. If I ascended, would things change? Doesn't matter, I can't ascend anyway. Or maybe I should finally try with psychiatry?
I'm so tired. I'm in the exact same position I was in ten years ago. I see other people moving forward, fixing their problems, and I'm the only one who's forever stuck. This is torture.
Last summer I tied a rope to the ceiling and contemplated doing it.
Ten fucking years, nothing changed. But it was for entirely different reasons. My life is so pathetic, one disaster after another. When I was a kid, I had a very bad case of OCD with dangerous and time-wasting compulsions and absurd magical thinking beliefs that pretty much ruined my childhood and early teenage years. My parents never sent me to a psychiatrist because of their fear of psychiatric medicinals. Then came the inability to make friends, along with the constant depression and anxiety. Then, only after reaching 20 years old, I finally realized that maybe I was an incel too. And then I also failed university because I was depressed and most likely a bit low IQ for it.
Ten years spent doing nothing but jerking off, daydreaming and wasting time on the internet. Some more hopeful periods that ended in devastating disappointments, self-improvement attempts that failed. No motivation to ever pursue anything or make something of my life, I quit working on my only talent, drawing, after middle school. But worst of all, ten years of always wanting to kill myself. I still regret failing that first time, because I haven't been able to try again.
Nothing has ever changed for me. If I ascended, would things change? Doesn't matter, I can't ascend anyway. Or maybe I should finally try with psychiatry?
I'm so tired. I'm in the exact same position I was in ten years ago. I see other people moving forward, fixing their problems, and I'm the only one who's forever stuck. This is torture.
