L
Whenever I try to study I cannot focus. I cannot make any plans anymore. My mind feels empty. I have no ideas - and even when I have one I won't finish it. I feel bored and in a rush at the same time, time flows too fast, especially when you grow older. I cannot believe that I am at this point of my life and high school still feels like yesterday. The worst thing about my youth being over is the fact that I never had youth.
Basically I feel condemned, not really progressed into adulthood due to missing all the developmental milestones, although my CV (in the sense of grades) is good my performance in the actual job is subpar and I am a third wheel, a worthless milestone to be carried around, the theoretical stuff only disguises my gaping incompetence which results from a lack of real life experience and the fact that I have been commanded around my entire life. I have no will of my own and it feels like I don't exist. There is an abstract concept of me on paper, but there is nothing behind it, an empty shell of a human being, still a child trapped in the body of a man with childish desires and no real goals/drives in life except surviving for the next day.
Sometimes I feel lonely, sometimes I don't care. It's almost paradoxical really: I long for social contact, but at the same time I see people (apart from the Internet) as nothing more than an annoying obligation/liability, they annoy me and I look at them with nothing but contempt (which I know is reciprocal). I am only at peace with myself when I listen to music, do daydreaming or when I walk around in nature, but this is only temporary, as soon as I am confronted again with my life I relapse into everything and feel nothing more than anger/hatred. It feels like getting buried alive really, I have no room to breathe.
Fuck this gay earth, unironically fuck this gay earth. I long for something that will never come. My compulsions get worse and worse, which only leads to more mistakes because this form of perfectionism is debilitating and not healthy, which leads to my compulsions getting worse (I know everything about me, I know every single problem in my life, but I am not able to fix them, I am like the doctor that gives a patient the diagnosis of a terminal illness, I know what it means, I understand it, but it's still not like I am able to do something significant about it, I am condemned to be a passive observer in my own decline). This then leads to frustration which leads to resignation which leads to procrastination which leads to more panic and to more compulsions. My head is racing and empty at the same time. My mood swings also get worse and I am constantly screaming in anger when stuff goes wrong - and nowadays everything goes wrong. Even if I got a GF now I would be too far removed from humanity. Walking is the only thing I want to do, I walked >200km this month (despite studying) and even there I am a failure that could under no circumstances compete with others and nothing more than a laughing stock.
Basically I feel condemned, not really progressed into adulthood due to missing all the developmental milestones, although my CV (in the sense of grades) is good my performance in the actual job is subpar and I am a third wheel, a worthless milestone to be carried around, the theoretical stuff only disguises my gaping incompetence which results from a lack of real life experience and the fact that I have been commanded around my entire life. I have no will of my own and it feels like I don't exist. There is an abstract concept of me on paper, but there is nothing behind it, an empty shell of a human being, still a child trapped in the body of a man with childish desires and no real goals/drives in life except surviving for the next day.
Sometimes I feel lonely, sometimes I don't care. It's almost paradoxical really: I long for social contact, but at the same time I see people (apart from the Internet) as nothing more than an annoying obligation/liability, they annoy me and I look at them with nothing but contempt (which I know is reciprocal). I am only at peace with myself when I listen to music, do daydreaming or when I walk around in nature, but this is only temporary, as soon as I am confronted again with my life I relapse into everything and feel nothing more than anger/hatred. It feels like getting buried alive really, I have no room to breathe.
Fuck this gay earth, unironically fuck this gay earth. I long for something that will never come. My compulsions get worse and worse, which only leads to more mistakes because this form of perfectionism is debilitating and not healthy, which leads to my compulsions getting worse (I know everything about me, I know every single problem in my life, but I am not able to fix them, I am like the doctor that gives a patient the diagnosis of a terminal illness, I know what it means, I understand it, but it's still not like I am able to do something significant about it, I am condemned to be a passive observer in my own decline). This then leads to frustration which leads to resignation which leads to procrastination which leads to more panic and to more compulsions. My head is racing and empty at the same time. My mood swings also get worse and I am constantly screaming in anger when stuff goes wrong - and nowadays everything goes wrong. Even if I got a GF now I would be too far removed from humanity. Walking is the only thing I want to do, I walked >200km this month (despite studying) and even there I am a failure that could under no circumstances compete with others and nothing more than a laughing stock.
