For years, I have been aware that I am an incel, but even so, I wanted to continue living, I wanted to finish high school, get a good job, and eventually buy my own house, even if it was just for me. But now I don't feel like doing anything. I've become lazy because my goals no longer satisfy me. So much pain and misery have made me believe that this life has nothing more to offer me and that there is no point in continuing in this world. The only reason I haven't hanged myself is because I'm a damn coward who fears death. Just thinking about it fills me with panic and despair. I also discovered that I have hadefobia, or fear of hell. The idea is supposed to be to leave here to stop suffering, and it would be ironic to end up in a worse place. I know it sounds ridiculous, maybe because I was born into an evangelical family. My grandmother was very strict about it. In order for her to take us into her home, she first forced us to go to church. As a teenager, I sought peace and comfort in Christ, and I found it, but now I no longer feel comfortable. I don't know what else to do to feel better. I've tried everything to improve my attitude, my confidence, my clothes, my hairstyles, my perfumes. I changed and hid my preferences and hobbies to fit in, and nothing worked. Everyone has rejected me, even the most horrible obese women, and I say this because they were also cruel in rejecting me. I have to clarify this because then they say, “That's why they reject you, because you're a horrible and unbearable person.” I'm sick of incels always being blamed for all the rejections and bad things that happen to us. Am I also to blame for being born into poverty? That my dad died without me ever knowing him? That I never had a home of my own and spent my nights on the street? That they made fun of me at school for no reason? Any attempt I make to get ahead will be insufficient, and normies will always say it's my fault, that I did it wrong and that I should keep trying without complaining. To make matters worse, I feel like my mind is deteriorating. I suffer from anxiety and perhaps other disorders. Sometimes, without realizing it, I act strangely. My coworkers have caught me talking to myself, and I'm very embarrassed. I'm afraid of ending up like those people on the street, homeless and with nothing, whom most people ignore and even despise for not being “useful.” I've lied to myself by telling myself that I'm not a failure because at least I have a stable job, I pay taxes, and I don't owe anyone anything, but the truth is that I'm a complete failure. I have no achievements or goals. I'm 25 years old and I can no longer keep up with people my age. There are even younger people who are already professionals and have started families. All of this leads me to believe that I have nothing left to do in this world. I hate this face, this flawed and dirty body I was born with, but I can't find the courage to leave. What do you think? What would you do in my situation? What should I do?
