I seem to get these like every month now. Maybe once or twice a month, all the stuff bottled up inside just boils over the top and then boom, I'm a complete mess.
I cry, alone. I ask myself questions, and spiral further into the nonsense. I wonder where things all went so wrong. I hate on myself. I search for explanations, something, anything. I even pray.
It never seems to get solved. It seems like everything in my life has just gotten worse and worse over the last almost 7 years. Everyone says your 20's are supposed to be the prime of your life, but for me it has been almost all misery and self-loathing. I deeply and truly hate myself.
I got over suicide a few years ago but that doesn't mean I don't still hate myself and my life. I do. I still occasionally catch myself wishing someone would just run me over while I'm crossing a street or something. Just to take all this pain and mental anguish away.
And it only seems to get progressively worse. I compare myself to those who were once my peers. I look on Instagram and see all the people who became real adults. They grew up. Went to university and got degrees. Got big corporate jobs. Drive cool cars. Travelled the world. Got married. Bought a house. Some even have kids now. And every year more and more of them end up like that.
I have none of that. A shitty degree in a niche field nobody gives a shit about because I didn't know what I wanted to do. A low paying wageslave office job where I stagnated and didn't progress. A boring car. No gf or wife. Still live with my parents. Haven't seen any of my friends in months because everyone is either too busy or moved on.
It's hard right now to imagine it, but I remember there was once a time where I believed in myself. I was able to do things because I believed I could. Before I lost myself, who I was. But that was before, and this is now. I'm no longer naive. I've been scarred. Beaten. Broken.
Punished, even.
I cry, alone. I ask myself questions, and spiral further into the nonsense. I wonder where things all went so wrong. I hate on myself. I search for explanations, something, anything. I even pray.
It never seems to get solved. It seems like everything in my life has just gotten worse and worse over the last almost 7 years. Everyone says your 20's are supposed to be the prime of your life, but for me it has been almost all misery and self-loathing. I deeply and truly hate myself.
I got over suicide a few years ago but that doesn't mean I don't still hate myself and my life. I do. I still occasionally catch myself wishing someone would just run me over while I'm crossing a street or something. Just to take all this pain and mental anguish away.
And it only seems to get progressively worse. I compare myself to those who were once my peers. I look on Instagram and see all the people who became real adults. They grew up. Went to university and got degrees. Got big corporate jobs. Drive cool cars. Travelled the world. Got married. Bought a house. Some even have kids now. And every year more and more of them end up like that.
I have none of that. A shitty degree in a niche field nobody gives a shit about because I didn't know what I wanted to do. A low paying wageslave office job where I stagnated and didn't progress. A boring car. No gf or wife. Still live with my parents. Haven't seen any of my friends in months because everyone is either too busy or moved on.
It's hard right now to imagine it, but I remember there was once a time where I believed in myself. I was able to do things because I believed I could. Before I lost myself, who I was. But that was before, and this is now. I'm no longer naive. I've been scarred. Beaten. Broken.
Punished, even.
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